My Reaction to DoD opens 14,000 Army jobs to women

My feelings on this can pretty much be summed up in the quote from Nancy Duff Campbell, co-president of the National Women's Law Center,

"It's good, but it's not very much more of a step forward."

I totally concur.  I've written very passionately about this.  I guess I would have mixed feelings if the barriers were removed right now because I've already started my military career and I'm generally happy being a Transporter, but it should still be changed.  I'm really thrilled General Odierno is pushing for more changes, even though I know a lot of his quotes come from a similar article about a month or so ago.  He expressed disappointment the deadline for reviewing the gender policy was not met and he spoke highly of the real contributions women make in our Army.

Unfortunately, I believe a larger percentage than are speaking openly and plainly in interviews and from podiums are reluctant to see the change.  Someone said to me today referencing the article with a shrug about women being in combat:

[Just saying...] "Could you pull me out of a burning vehicle?"

I wish I'd had a better retort on hand, but I was off guard and tired.  I wished I had mentioned Sgt. Monica Brown, the medic who may not have pulled anyone who weighed a ridiculous amount more than her from a burning HMMWV, but who shielded Soldiers with her own body in Afghanistan one day, risking her life to treat the wounded.  And beyond that, on countless missions she provided much needed aid to the unit she was attached to.  Though just doing her job she was awarded a Silver Star for valor.  A few days after the flurry of media attention though, she was pulled from the area because she was too close to combat according to current policies.  According to the unit taking her out on missions though, there was no other medic to take at the time.

Now, reading a story like that, why turn to me and ask bluntly if I could carry you out of a burning vehicle?  I think of the guys who already push 200 lb when they are in plain clothes.  Could he pull that guy with a full combat load and body armor on out of a burning vehicle if the seat belt is in place?  I mean let's quit with the what if statements, these hypothetical scenarios don't address the real issue.

The real issue is that women deserve as much fair treatment in this government job as they receive in any other.  The real problems are not about the chivalry of men, the emotional reaction to combat, or the physical demand of their jobs.  Real problems may be privacy, and preventing affirmative action from debilitating the fighting force.  Additionally, the article mentioned the so few women in high ranks because the best career jobs in the army are in fields closed to women.  For me it is not really about the 'Brass Ceiling'... though that part does have some legitimate backing and research.  If the Army is viewed from purely a career standpoint, than it is a problem, but from a more traditional standpoint, call it nostalgic maybe, but from the the standpoint that the Armed Forces are the real life heroes of a nation - the defenders and upholders of the Constitution - it's just plain heartbreaking.  Ask me can I pull you from a burning vehicle... but then let me try.  Don't look at me, my gender, and simply shake your head.  Defense officials say there is no Brass Ceiling, and that women have "no disadvantage in... promotion rate."  Wonderful, so women have not been detrimental or performed any worse than men in all the jobs they are allowed?  So, give us a chance in the Infantry.  Give America's daughters a shot at Eleven Bravo (11B)!  I think she may surprise you if you'd give her half the chance.

Living in Germany: Week 2 AAR

I have officially arrived at my unit for two weeks now, and it's great.  Last week I had a bunch of briefings that couldn't be helped.  I have to admit I got some decent information from each one, but they were long days and I felt drained after hours of PowerPoint and the monotonous repetition of, "Welcome to Bamberg."

Friday a friend visited me and we reminisced on our days at the Universidade de Coimbra in Portugal.  I can't believe it was two years ago already.

This Saturday 391st CSSB had a Valentine's Ball, and it was a nice event, I'm going to post some pics soon to my Flickr account.  I'm glad I had my ASU (Army Service Uniform or "dress blues") ready to go, because it would have been a shame to miss it.  While these events do have somewhat a frustrating compulsory aspect to them, they are - like everything else in life - what you make of them.  I ended up getting to know some of my peers in the battalion a little better, and a chance to see the people I've met throughout the week all in one place.  I met some Lt.'s wives (or girlfriends) as well, and in spite of the below freezing temperatures outside even enjoyed (most) of a nice cigar outside.

Sunday followed with more fun because of a group dinner 'party' which included a group effort to cook a dinner.  We tried a new recipe, so no one was entirely certain how it would turn out.  It was sort of a casserole with chicken, carrots, ginger, yogurt, spices, and rice.  Very delicious even though the rice was soggy, we served it in bowls, and since we were just having fun, it didn't matter that the appearance wasn't stellar.  I give the recipe four stars, because even not cooked perfectly, it was totally yummy!

Today as I was investigating the contents of my fridge, I discovered that my freezer actually does work to my chagrin.  The bottle of champagne I was saving for my boyfriend's arrival had unfortunately exploded:

It's a shame, but as you can see, it wasn't too costly of a mistake to make ;) plus I at least know that I will have ice cubes... even it seems to take forever.  Wish I had a balcony because it would be easier to just leave an ice tray outside at these temperatures!

As far as the upcoming week my to-do list is lengthy, even though I don't have a platoon yet, or really any subordinates to speak of (a manager with nothing to manage) it's a sort of free limbo for me:  a rare opportunity to get adjusted without heaps of pressure loaded on me.  It's funny that I should get the honor to deploy so soon after arriving when I never agonized over it like some of my male counterparts.  Some of them right now at West Point were trying to figure out by analyzing the dates of their respective branch BOLC and the rotating deployment shifts of the Brigade Combat Teams (BCTs), but of course it's sensitive intelligence, important to national security; and not everyone can just know it!  I'm pretty sure the people in charge don't even know exactly when and where deployments are scheduled and I am not saying this is part of the disorganization so often associated with government work, but because the world is a pretty fast changing place.  No one can say with total certainty where we will be in the next few years.

It's a short week though, and I have good things to look forward to!  There are exciting pictures and blogs to come in the near future!

The Real Deal

I'm in the real thing now, the "real" Army, an actual post, an actual job.  I've been out of college for almost nine months, and finally I get to Warner Barracks in Bamberg only to hear they might be closing this base in a couple years.  I will still get to stay in Germany (fingers crossed) but apparently in a different area.

I will not be enjoying Germany this summer though if approval goes through because my unit is trying to deploy me with a company that is already in Afghanistan. I obviously can't write much about this, just enough to say that this would all be happening pretty fast for me.  How do I feel about it?  Well, it is what I signed up for in the Army.  I didn't sign up in war time thinking I would avoid it.  It's also a great opportunity for me to get tons of on the job training, and an opportunity for me to hurry up and get a platoon - which is a key leader position for someone of my rank.  It's also a transportation position which is awesome because often junior officers are lumped together as logistics if they are transpo, ordnance, or quartermaster.  That's only supposed to happen at the captain level and above.  But it's not uncommon for someone like me (a transportation officer) to get put into a quartermaster or other 'loggy' related position that's not my actual branch.

Anyway, a lot of people (Soldiers here, and the family I've told) are asking me if I feel ready.  Honest?  I don't feel ready!  How could I?  However, I am more than willing.  If someone asked me if I wanted to do this, my answer would be absolutely.  But ready?  I wish I had studied Pashtun with more concentration, I wish I had more experience in my job, I wish the training at BOLC made me feel more confident than I do now.

I do have a lot of great resources of experience available to me though.  I have a friend who deployed in a similar situation to me, and so I can ask her how it worked for her.  The Army has been doing this for a while now, so I would be crazy to think I was facing a unique challenge - well at the general level anyway.  I know even if I got all the preparation I wanted, there would still be suprise challenges along the way and that's why the Army has been leaning towards leaders who are critical thinkers.

I think that everyone pauses and hopes they are prepared for this.  It all seems so fast, I do know that I am willing, it's my job on top of it all.  Is there someone else?  If there was, and leadership deemed it better, they would send that person.  I've got to remember I've been trained up for this.  No one said it would be simple.  I may have to take a break from the blogging for a while, but I'll keep a journal downrange, and I'll still write until I get deployed - about everything, the whole moving to Germany experience.

Which reminds me, I don't have an apartment yet, hopefully will do some looking this week.  I would like to have my own place before I leave.  I do have a phone though which I have been looking forward to endlessly!  I got a plan with O2, a German phone company, it's the cheapest plan, although the phones are full price (which is expensive here, I shudder every time I do the euro-dollar conversion).  I still haven't finished inprocessing, there are hours of online training I still have to do.  I have had a full week though.  My sponsor has been nice, but my unit has been busy because they have a range (shooting range) next week.  My commander is actually a Military Intelligence officer but he requested a command position and he interviewed for and got it.  It just goes to show there's a million and one different ways to do a career in the Army.  I went to two different Italian restaurants in Bamberg already, and the food is pretty good.  I also finally saw my friend who graduated in 2009 and has been stationed here the whole time.  She is awesome and doing Pathfinder school, so good for her!  Tonight is the Super Bowl and I was invited by another West Point grad to a party - which is cool, since otherwise I wouldn't really have a thing to do tonight.  Somehow it's another move to a new place in which I've somehow managed to have something to do from the very first weekend on.  How do these things happen to me?  I am most certainly grateful!

The Christmas Edition

It is actually making an effort to snow in the Southwest.  The smattering of flakes won't stick for long though, in fact most of it has melted, but it makes it feel a little more like Christmas in the desert.  I got a nice picture of the snow while it lasted.

It's nice that many service men and women get to go home for the holidays, but America keeps in mind the many who are not home at this time of the year.  The United States is a pretty generous country, and there are many public announces reminding the general populace that we can always help others.  It is refreshing that in spite of the economic woes and political strife of this era, our Christmas isn't overrun with selfish and useless fighting, and maybe this speaks to the ever hopeful - if sometimes naive - USA.

During the holidays when many commanders are on leave, except for the skeleton crew holding down the fort (literally), questions arise over what is the best way to conduct military correspondence.  With text messages and email, there must be a new regulation in the works about how to text message while conveying respect for the rules and traditions of the armed forces.  I mean, should one sign off text messages with an official title of Army-related business, or include a Sir or Ma'am when addressing superiors?  I'm sure there is someone in the IT department who is probably authoring this manual as I post this blog.

So I guess this blog will just be as is, somewhat positive, in the name of the Christmas Spirit!

Trying to Date in the Military

In the military it can be difficult for a woman looking for a man.  She is most likely going to have a successful relationship with a peer in the military.  I cannot imagine for the life of me meeting a guy - a civilian - in a bar in Richmond and if things work out marrying him and bringing him with me to my next duty station and telling him to go ahead and take care of the apartment and the dog and if he can find a job, good for him but my paycheck has got us covered.  If I found a guy who told me he would follow me all while finding work where he could and raising our kids, I don't think under normal circumstances I would want to be with him.  And that might be my unwillingness to be more progressive in this particular topic, but there are so many men who do this in the military to their wives.  And that is perfectly fine, but it does make one feel a little bit, I guess, the right word would be jealous.  I am jealous it is more difficult for me to find a civilian either established enough or high enough in his job to follow me as I change from duty station to duty station, or patient enough to wait for me while I continue my military career.


I haven't had a relationship I saw going anywhere serious for a while.  I fell hard for a civilian a year ago and that ended up degenerating into me banging my head against a brick wall and being distraught that the brick wall won.  He was already tied up in other life goals, and he couldn't handle that I was in a job that potentially risked my life.  He would ask if I could get out of the military.  Even if I could, I didn't want to.

Other than him, I've generally dated other military personnel... and this has had it's ups and downs.  I can't help but feel a streak of competition which clashes with my desire to look to my beaus for help and support.

In all of these pursuits for romance the relationships have ended, or not been serious enough to warrant ending, and while I am okay and possibly the better for it, I am in constant pursuit of affirmation that I'm worth it.  Don't so many of us feel like this?  Those of us who haven't been welcomed into other families with open if cheesy arms.  Those of us who haven't had the warm touch of gold on our ring fingers, or that exciting moment when you officially bind your life with someone else's.  We're sort of perched on solitary relationship chairs trying to convince ourselves that we're special, that the someone out there for us is just a little difficult to find, and struggling with the haunting fear that we might be alone when it's not what we want.  It's okay to come to accept that being alone is either what we want, or what is best for us, but it is totally different if you find yourself happy with a partner in your life and can't seem to hold on to a relationship past a significant life change.

And I know that it will come when you least expect it, and la-di-da, but forgive me for expressing the inevitable feelings of single women, especially in the military.  And I know there's people on the other side of the fence who may feel worse for having had serious relationships that fell through at the worst moments, but from the occasionally bitter single side, at least you have the security that you could secure the facsimile of a relationship.  Here I've got the tatters of attempts that I threw away when they couldn't satisfy me.  Is it me destroying the chances, or is it me realizing the chance wasn't there?

I am fine at the moment, I'm neither piningly lonely nor am I in a screwed up relationship.  I've got plenty of time to fall in love with someone.  Whichever way the wind blows me, there's one thing for sure:  my military career is going to play a gargantuan role in my romantic life.  I can't keep the two from overlapping.  I don't even think I have the capability to leave the military and be someone's kept wife... I couldn't stand the boredom of listening to him regale me on military subjects that I know, a military life I would constantly feel resentment for because I left it for a man - and always wonder if I could have done it better than him.

Even further, I cannot be some particularly effeminate woman in the military who may understand her partner's lifestyle but chooses to do some sort of more historically acceptable job for women such as medical service or maybe adjutant general or finance.  I respect those jobs and positions, and more importantly the men and women who do those jobs, but one thing is certain:  that women are still barred from Ranger School and certain jobs based on gender alone still angers me.  It makes my heart race, and motivates me to think about and work towards a solution to this problem.  Which is why I still consider the law and legal work in my future, or some sort of international work because it seems gender is less an issue in some other countries.

There are other women in the military like this, who are neither classic sweethearts with cheerleader smiles and soft voices, nor overtly masculine business-only tomboys who never so much as donned a skirt before the Army Service Uniform.  Both of these types of people contribute, and that's great, but there's a growing percentage of women who are somewhere between these stereotypes.  It's part of society changing and unshackling gender roles for the better, those women were already there, but it will hopefully become more and more apparent.  I know who I am:  a tough, gritty, wrestling, combative woman with a wry sense of humor who doesn't really know where this gets her right now in life.  It's fine and great, but I don't even have the height and strength and solid technical knowledge to be a stoic badass.  And since I cannot be a stoic badass yet, I will have to accept and capitalize on when my antics and attempts to be a professional in the military are amusing to others.  After you are done chuckling, will you help me out?

All Quiet on the Western Front vs War

Here I am reading something with cultural value again!  I feel relieved I can still appreciate a good novel, currently I'm almost done with All Quiet on the Western Front and feel like a very interesting literature analysis could be done with comparison to all the myths about women in the Infantry.  I recently scratched together some interesting theories, but had to take a break from the computer to cure some classic burn-out.  I will have to be very careful of that in my career, it is quite frequent I hear.  I came up with some interesting ideas though in conversation and while reading and I couldn't help but think of my recent reading of Sebastian Junger's book, War.

So on women in the Infantry.  And yes I mean combat units in general, but I prefer to focus on the Infantry because that's the classic case.  What are the differences between men and women?  We are built differently that is certainly true, down to our structural design there are huge differences.  A couples examples: men have quicker reflexes, and women have a keener sense of smell.  Culturally, there are different expectations of us.  I believe a big part of it is the natural role of motherhood, and I only mean in the scientific sense of furthering a species to avoid much larger arguments.  Women who are able, can get pregnant in a limited portion of their lives and when they are pregnant face at least a few months of vulnerability.  In the past there were less chances of a successful birth and there were higher birth rates in many modern developed countries.   Thus, a life devoted to bearing and raising children was noble and expected and in truth bettered society.  Protecting your women was protecting a valuable resource.  This extends to protecting women and children.

However, with modern medicine, more women choose to and can put off bearing children.  These women have proven in athletic and corporate fields that with more freedom they can prove prowess outside of the domestic realm.  When not vulnerable in pregnancy, women are just as competent in many fields once reserved to men.  In intellectual fields I don't see any impairment from any stage of pregnancy, in jobs that require physical work, it has been proven that maintaining physical fitness in the early stages of pregnancy is actually better than previously believed, but there comes a stage and time when one must decrease rough physical activity.  And having never had a child, I admit I am in no way qualified to speak for any of these statements, only what I gather from sweeping and light research.

However, how this all goes back to my argument for women in combat, is that old concerns with child-bearing age and child-birth limited women in some ways, and any inspection of just a half century ago reveals instructions regarding and directed to women that are in so many ways laughable today.  Women are fast increasing the athletic levels at which they perform just check this out --> http://hilite.org/archives/1282 and I think this only goes to further my point.  While I am a little skeptical of smaller-framed, generally having higher body fat percentage women outperforming men, I do believe the differences in our muscular build are insignificant in the field.  Perhaps this would only hold true for a lesser percentage of women, but some nonetheless.  So if we instituted appropriate physical requirements for branches and held both men and women to that standard, we could easily counter the ever-present concern that women are not physically as qualified for combat.

In regard to social and psychological the argument is thicker but it is here that I feel even more strongly.  This is where I think it would be useful for someone to run a literature analysis on All Quiet on the Western Front or another WWI or WWII novel.  Anything that describes harrowing war.  I have been thinking hard in each scene about whether a woman could handle this.  All this talk today about the "nature of war" being the same as it was in the past.  I read some gory lines about men running on the stumps of legs or the constant shelling and the trench warfare launching attacks and counterattacks.  I compare this to recently having read War by Sebastian Junger, and I feel like our war is much less intense and much less maddening than that war.  And this is a good thing, isn't it?  How can a man tell me the nature of war is still the same?  When I look at these two books I feel like that is impossible.  And how can a man tell me I could not handle this based merely on the fact that I am a woman?  There is many a man in All Quiet on the Western Front who fails mid-battle.  Many a recruit that freezes up and dies.  Who is to say that would be any worse for a woman if women weren't confined to the medical professions during that war?  And it is not as though those women didn't see their share of macabre and gruesome.  It is interesting in Chapter Ten the main character, Paul Bäumer, is embarrassed to ask a young nurse where to go to take a piss, because she is young and crisp and clean and „wonderful and sweet“.  But a little while later they all get over their embarrassment and are clear with both functions with this nurse.  Was there a catastrophe?  Was anyone raped?  No.  These professionals dealt with it accordingly and the woman was hardly flustered with these so called private and embarrassing functions.

A man once told me that it would be difficult for a man such as himself to be in what was described to me as a few day long observation patrol with a woman because the men must take all their waste with them and he insinuated that included crapping in a bag and having to hold the bag for a buddy.  I nodded but didn't really understand.  If a nurse might have to do that in a field hospital, or a mother has changed the diaper of a baby, what woman can't handle the sight or sound of shit?  And then this man went further to say that women sometimes had that - you know - problem?  He was referring to menstruation.  Oh dear, well I explained to him that was only a little extra trash... but he was highly uncomfortable with the idea.  Why should women be barred from positions because he has the opposite gender on a pedestal?  Just make some distinctions buddy.  There is your wife, and you can believe whatever you like about her that she doesn't so much as fart.  And there is the man or woman you work with.  In war there will be things that pass that would be shameful in peacetime society, but there remains professionalism and there remains the profession of Soldiers:  that is to win our nation's wars.

I have so much more to say on the subject, but this has been gnawing at me for some time and I needed to at least begin to try to explain myself.

The Cadet Leadership Development System

So oddly enough when you google search "Cadet Leadership Development System joke" no huge flow of jokes, comments, or tirades ensues.  I wonder if this means that I will be in twenty years lauding the system I currently despise.  It's this idea that somehow you're cadet job does more leadership development than the mere interference it runs with your day to day life.  I mean I get it, this is life, right?  Finding inspiration in the mundane.  But this world of west point is like one of those ecoglobes with the shrimp in it, except it's gray, miserable, cold and doesn't need sunshine to survive.

Which is a bit of an overstatement I realize but here is my example.  My job is done, the grade is in.  And I could walk away and forget about it... but I feel like that's not good enough.  It's not that I'm a terrible person who doesn't care and thinks I'm better than everyone... it's that the system here... hell the system of the world can be more than a little frustrating.  I know it's not just this place it's the way of the modern world.  Everything is draped in layers and layers of red tape.

So we had to set up hot chocolate for this event, a bonfire.  And I was also in charge of procuring tools.  Well I found out "how" to get the tools.  I even went out to supervise the procurement of lumber.  I didn't do much when I actually went, I mean all I did was keep the truck running when they took the wood up to the barracks.  Anyway I told everyone who needed anything how to get it, and I suggested what times they should go.  I had already wasted many of my hours meeting up with the folks to arrange for all this stuff, and then the actual getting of the wood and then wasting time going to the motor pool (where we keep vehicles is about a 20 minute drive out) that took up a whole afternoon.  I was pulling quite a few late nights to finish some big writing assignments and doing sandhurst practices too.  So when people who are supposed to be equally responsible as I for their tasks failed, I was the one who caught flak (which means I was chewed out).  After all this my assistant and I took hot chocolate out to the bonfire.  There were no tables at the front office (called CGR - Central Guard Room at WP) and no tables at the bonfire so someone screwed up with the delivery of the tables.  So we were at a loss where to put the hot chocolate.  This person... someone higher than me, said we should put some hot chocolate in the beer tent... which may have worked out but it was after we'd set it up on these benches and bleachers behind the beer tent.  We were in a pretty bad position it's true... but I was trying to get the DJ to announce the hot chocolate but by the time I thought of it and tracked him down he said he'd disconnected everything.  Anyway this higher ranking guy thought we screwed up the hot chocolate operation and mentioned it in his After Action Review... well for one we had way too much hot chocolate, we had enough for 4,000 people to each probably double-fist hot chocolate and most of the campus who were forced to be there left immediately, those who stayed drank beer and mostly hot chocolate doesn't mix with beer now if we'd had mulled wine....  Second of all, by the time families started to wander over for hot chocolate, we had to take it back because the mess hall needed the containers for breakfast the next day.  Anyway, I replied to my cadet level boss if he could please forward my comments to this officer, but if he didn't I'd love to forward them myself.  He won't get it... and that's fine.  Like I said, I'm done with the job... but we get chewed out for not supporting "the Corps" and it's just that I wish we weren't doing something stupid or in a stupid manner, not that I don't want to support.  Well, that's all, I'll get off my soap box now.

Anyway, I guess this weekend during another Army-Navy football game, the 111th, and the like umpteenth loss to Navy... I had another dose of how grumpy and pessimistic yet secretly optimistic I am.  A guy I was setting up a date with for while I was home basically showed he was slutting around, and doesn't realize I find it quite distasteful.  It would be one thing if he was just everywhere, random and social and interesting like a different guy I sort of have a semi-crush on.  But the guy at home... he's a former grad of my fine institution and I already had my reservations but he started to blow me off a little in conjunction with going out and ending up making breakfast for someone else... and well I've been hit with that train before.  So I'm dropping him now.  I might ask him to meet me somewhere in my hometown and I won't show up because he'll deserve it and if he's not an ass he'll ask where I was.  If he is an ass, he'll probably text me a sorry about thirty minutes later than we were scheduled to meet and say he couldn't make it.  The good thing is I'll make sure I'm in a movie with my cousins or at home having tea with my mom or out somewhere quiet.  I would like to get some quiet time this break.  I am definitely guarded now though.  On the drive home from Philadelphia this morning I was in a bad mood.  I don't want to be close to a guy right now, but anyway... I'm digressing.  I've got a lot to do... and my roommate feels like it's necessary to sleep early and she can't stand my desk light anymore... I dunno how she developed a sensitivity to it this last month... but it's kinda annoying.  Whatever... I don't need it tonight at least.  Goodnight all, let me know if you think I'm bitchin' too much... but keep in mind this is sorta an outlet and I can't possibly keep it completely objective or neutral.

Turkey Blog

I am pretty amused currently.  A lot of times I am tempted to put smiley faces on this blog... right now one would be fairly reflective of my mood.  Not everything is great, but it's the lull before the inevitable end of semester cram-fest.  I mean there are other things on my mind... things about the car, issues I haven't dealt with.  Snow for example.  I don't even have an ice scraper.  I don't have jumper cables.  I haven't changed the oil and am wondering when I need to do that.  My car, Atticus is his name, seems to be doing well.  I just took a nice four-hour drive through some pretty crazy holiday traffic.  I am still pretty intimidated by traffic in general.  I was happy with how well I performed in the city once I arrived.

Both this evening and yesterday's were well spent playing some Apples to Apples.  Thank goodness for that ice breaker... sometimes I forget what to talk about outside of West Point's walls.  We share so much that is easy to talk about in our little gray fort.  I mean all you have to do is ask someone what they did last summer and everything becomes familiar acronyms and training and complicated systems that have become somewhat intrinsic to me.  I guess this is how people get stuck in the military, forgetting not what, but how to talk about subjects outside of military jargon.  I sometimes want to stop mid-explanation to civilians because as I explain one complicated system I realize it's related to another complicated system and they aren't possibly going to memorize it and no one expects them to... so how about we keep the explanation simple?  And on top of that, the academies are one big fraternity with an overabundance of rules which can all be traced back to an exclusive gentleman's code that was once associated with the place.  And I do mean fraternity because of the dominating male essence of the place.  Delicate, graceful, effeminate?  Nothing at West Point brings these adjectives to mind, except maybe the statue of Fame at the top of the supposedly largest free-standing polished granite column in the Western Hemisphere at Battle Monument.  And even Fame isn't the same, she used to have an exposed breast until some officer thought it was too arousing for the good ol' boys.  At least that's what the description was that I read in the museum, although the Wikipedia article claims it was just because the statue was too large and awkward.  I guess I'll have to go back to the museum to find out for sure...

More tedious research into the laws preventing women from serving in ground combat.  I began reading War by Sebastian Junger, since we're supposed to discuss this come the end of Thanksgiving Break.  I can't help get absolutely heartbroken when I read.  It isn't so glorious really:  war.  It is a tough job.  It is admirable of these men to take on this burden.  But whose to say women can't do this?  Who the hell has the right?  These men face a hard task it is true.  But I believe they have the potential professionalism to handle women at these isolated outposts.  Why don't they?  Why doesn't Congress?  Is the message that under the stress of combat, men are allowed to lose their ever-living minds and go on a sexist, raping rampage with any women who might have the misfortune to find themselves on a combat outpost with the sex-deprived, mentally and physically exhausted men?  Is the message that under a constant and dreadful threat men would irrationally protect women who chose to serve under the same conditions?  Is the message that the social fabric of a mixed-gender unit under heavy enemy fire and subject to constant assault and ambush would disintegrate and all hell would break loose?  What does a book like this do but show that the complexities and complications of war are as much of an issue for an all-male unit as they are for a mixed-gender unit.  I don't believe this would be much worse if there were women interspersed amongst the men.  I wonder if the psychological strength of a woman would help with issues such as PTSD.  I wonder if anyone would admire that woman, no matter who she was personally, and would anyone hold her as a hero in their hearts.  A woman who goes to war can hardly be seen as seeking glory and fame.  It does less good to a retired female soldier to have been in combat.  What good does that do her when she can never have the honor to be counted a Ranger or an Infantryman or someone whose job it was to go to a place and win the nation's wars by engaging in direct combat with the enemy?  It's an honor.  We honor those who take on this incredible burden.  It isn't the same in all countries.  This has nothing to do with my thoughts on war... but once you're in it, and once you are a soldier, you have a duty and a commitment.  A woman who wants to defend her country in the same manner by directly engaging the enemy ought not be prevented and surely ought not to be persecuted for it.

Who can see the Future? And who Believes it?

I have been wanting to post a lot this week, but every time I am at the computer and have some time I don't have the motivation.  It's very much the same with my academic work as well.  At any rate there has been some introspection going on, and some curiousity about events outside my control.

On women in the infantry and armor branch.  To be honest, it seems like the same wall is there that existed here at West Point for women's wrestling.  I feel like a shell of a woman in that aspect.  Just having missed the NYAC Holiday tournament.  I am really down and out about it, like I let myself down, but I made the cogniscent decision at least a month in advance.  I was wondering if I'd have the time at the end of August.  Judging by how behind I currently remain on paper upon paper... I really need to buckle down and plow forward.

Oops, I digressed.  Back to women in infantry and armor.  The problem that is repeating is the lack of women who want to.  I want women to have the right, I would be willing to serve in infantry, but I am lacking in some ways.  I would have to fight and work hard to pass the male minimum standard of push-ups.  I would struggle in day to day PT in Infantry.  I am unsure if I could do it.

Yet another side of me argues that isn't important.  What is important is being willing to suffer for the right for other women.  And even if that was only a few women, well we all deserve the chance.  It's a patch in the social quilt that is our patriarcal society.  Let's face it, historically presidents usually have military background.  The best way to advance in our military is to be in the combat arms.  The combat arms have the most prestige.  It's not the only route, but it's a significant path.

I guess what is bothering me is even if I am not the most qualified woman and even if the most qualified women don't want to currently... can I still fight for women to be allowed in the military?  How would I deal with defeat in this aspect?  What would defeat look like?  As gradual as my defeat in wrestling?  I am worried I will never get back into wrestling.  I wonder if I've grown into other pursuits... or simply lost touch with wrestling in any way serious.  I can still roll around... but what about the future.  What about my other goals?  What about beyond the Army?  I want so much, but some of the things I want would entail maybe further service.  And I'm not so sure how the military career suits me yet.  I never imagined life as a Transportation Officer.

There are so many more things to write, but currently this will have to suffice.  Until next blog, Danke.

I Put on my Red Dress

Hello world, it's been so long since I wrote on this blog.
Anyway, been feeling a lot rebellious.  It's another year and yet again I am spurred to fight with all my heart.  Feels like things have come full circle in many ways.  Plebe year it felt like running into a wall of bricks.  I still remember struggling on the BEAST Barracks rucks.  I was so out of breath.  I remember a female chaplain telling me (kindly) to calm down.  On our first ruck on the ski slope I felt tight-chested and then like I couldn't breathe.  I had to catch my breath.  Then and several times in between I've been plagued with self-doubt in between personal victories.  Am I suited to this profession?  Is my weakness at bearing heavy loads something that makes me unfit for this privilege of officership?  I sometimes forget how small I am in comparison with a lot of my peers here.

Tonight was Branch Night.  A branch in the army is defined as:  "a particular area of expertise" according to Wikipedia.  And we all know that Wikipedia is the absolute in common knowledge.  At any rate, my branch, in which I'm expected to be technically and tactically proficient is:  Transportation.  The me from a year ago would probably be aghast.  The me of today is more patient, though just as proud.

And speaking of things I never thought would be true.  Does anyone else wish there were more warnings on the privacy sacrifices made by using popular technology?  I mean, a lot of these friendly apps from Android linking with Facebook and seemingly innocent shares of information are a bit scary.  Here's a real quote from the Guardian Project of Android.

"The ability for a group of people to passively track each others locations in a secure manner has quickly risen to the top of the must-have list. Consider a team member traveling to another country or remote region with the support team being able to easily, but securely, ping their device at any time to determine their current location."

The website actually offers some great solutions to privacy intrusion, but this goes back to the real issue of how much protection of your information do you actually need to go to lengths to?  Where is there "reasonable expectation of privacy" in the techonologically-enabled world?  Thought the below video was pretty funny and the dystopia we all seek to avoid.  I don't believe in anything like Terminator or Matrix... but something along the lines of 1984 seems all too possible.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/10/25/moveon-ad-dystopic-republicorp-2010_n_773689.html

Frick

So I went and spoke to my DAC (Counselor) as planned yesterday. Basically I got politely told to pull my head out of my ass. Grades are okay but I have been a little bit of a fool with regards to a couple of classes. My evenings have been spent leisurely and my days frought with naps... now it's time to roll up my sleeves and actually work. All of my procrastination hasn't come to a head... it's been caught in time to fix, but that makes it no less of a daunting task to turn a C+ and a C into two bonafide B+'s.
So I made a deal with my DAC, rather he told me exactly what I needed to do and I agreed to implement it and he swore to keep on my case until I succeeded. His goal is for me to graduate with honors. This means a GPA of 3.0 and a Law Dept GPA of 3.5
I have an overall GPA of 2.9 and cannot afford anything less than a B. I certainly need to exceed this with as many classes as possible. Falling behind this early is... unacceptable. I've never felt so caught. Usually it's not till the 9 weeks that I'm concerned or thinking about grades. It's half-way through the semester and I'm getting my wake-up call. I can't tell if that's good or bad.
Oh well, anyway here is the plan: I make a trade-off: either the boyfriend or my naps during the day. If I take naps, I have to devote my evenings to homework. If I do my homework during the day and am fully prepared for the next day I can see my boyfriend. Joy. It's a sensible plan, one I considered but would never have honestly implemented. Now, I'm being told by my DAC to try this plan... what choice did I have but to propose the idea to my boyfriend?
And he completely supports it, even suggested we go to the library this weekend because he's got a lot of work to do too. Which is good... but my naturally lazy self is so opposed to this plan. I have been picking up motivation in athletics and would surely love to let academics slide by the wayside. Instead... yesterday I confined myself to my room suspending all athletic activity-indeed all extracurricular activity-altogether and I caught up as much as possible on academics. It was so difficult to sit there and do homework straight for hour after hour (with 15-20 minute breaks) but it was my day to get my head straight for academics. Today I will do exercise, but I've handled such a large chunk of academic workload that I can comfortably afford it.
Today the budding women's boxing team is going off post I suppose to some sort of boxing gym. I think we just might hit each other today. I'm so pumped and I totally need to let off steam. All this focus on academics has made me grouchy. Part of me is jumpy and wants to sit here at my desk until I'm all caught up, but another part of me knows I will benefit from continuing to try to excel in every single pillar.
I left out militarily how I'm doing, but that's fine too. Tonight after I return from boxing I am going to be counseling all three of my team leaders and inputting my suggested grade for them and for their plebes. That itself will probably take a minimum of an hour and I get back at 2100 approximately from boxing. Looks like this essay on travel for English will have to write itself late tonight although at least I have a solid outline this time.

It's Been A While

I still have a cough. It seems to be a constant in my life. Speaking in general terms of life, West Point life has gotten ten times easier. I recall the harrowing experiences I had my plebe year and I look at some of these plebes and wonder why I felt life was so hard. It seems every company has a different climate. The one I'm in is much easier-going than the one I used to be in. I love my company to be honest.

I've finally started to make a few mistakes that put me on the radar. It's not a common occurence though, and my history should speak for itself. I missed a couple things this last Friday... but none of them were huge. Mostly it was because of a lack of sleep. A reason this post will not be long.

I sort of realize I'd be much happier if I was on some sort of corps or club squad sport. I would have a purpose outside of mindless cadet crap. The SAMIs and the 'unit training' and the TA-50 layouts. It's not like corps and club squadders get out of doing those things, but they have practices during some of our mandatory events and they have a sport to live for. It's no wonder sometimes I feel so cynical, when all I'm doing feels so small and pointless in the grand scheme of things. Oh I know it has nothing to do with power. I mean my friend is the Regiment Executive Officer. He's second in charge... the only reason he has this position is because he begged for a position that would let him be back in company for the sandhurst season. However, the consequence is he has to answer to someone else who is very demanding and thinks that in order to be an effective leader they must enforce some sort of new policy and new requirements. Notice I say 'new' not 'increased'. Anyway, that's his problem and story. Me? I'm doing okay I'm a squad leader and an intramural wrestler. It's funny to me how much I love wrestling and how much to a couple people it's just a filler.

There is one guy who just gets on my nerves. To him, it's just a silly sport and he's much more interested in learning 'real army skills'. He also can't say anything without coming across as a complete douchebag. Not exactly the social persona you want to have as a future PL I'd say. I'm okay with that though. I'm finding out that the type of person you need to be as an army leader varies greatly in the support branches. So when it comes to the self-analysis question of whether or not I am becoming the sort of person West Point wants me to be... I think I'll just refrain from answering. After all I get the impression West Point wants me to be an Army Infantry Officer and since I'm clearly not going to do that... well, anyway.

So I'm not sure there is going to be another wrestling tournament in NYC this year because I haven't seen any advertising for it and they haven't even posted the pictures from last years tournament. This distresses me. I wonder if it has anything to do with the timing of the Olympics... My lifting routine has suffered because of the past two weeks of basically being sick and having every plausible excuse to not work out too much in between practices. I am tired of this cough and want to be free of it as I work towards becoming amazing in wrestling and hell, amazing in my fitness otherwise. My abs are great I guess since I'm coughing so much. I also haven't had much of an appetite during the week. It might also be three years of this crappy food and I'm finally not stomaching it anymore.

In academics we've finally learned every tense of portuguese (not all the ins and outs and specifics but I can finally say present-, past-, future-, and command-tense). Sooo to say I talk, I am talking, I talked, and I will talk is: Falo, Falando, Falei, Falarei. Falarei com minha mae amanha. I will talk to my mother tomorrow.

As excited as I am to finally know all the tenses, I am tens times more excited and interested in my legal classes. I am a little slower than some of my fellow majors in learning the terminology (probably because I am so unfaithful in my reading of the material) but I have unique arguments and extremely insightful points of view. With those two skills I will do great if I actually put my nose to the grindstone and work. Alas this has always been my problem, I'm incredibly dreamy and this translates to me being somewhat lazy. It's easy to confuse the two.

Finally, all of my focus has been rather dreamy lately anyway because of my new relationship. Is it weird for me to date a sophomore? I can't tell, sometimes I feel slightly off about the situation but never about this guy. He's a great guy, great friend, and so far so good he seems to be in the 'normal' category... yeah he's dating a girl a grade above him... but hey, he's five months older than me. Which is about right for my age because I'm about a year behind my classmates' age and did skip a grade.

Bad Second Week

Okay so I did an evalutation of the week because I was feeling both like I've been lazy and like I'm ineffectual and inadequate again. However, a look at the week shows otherwise:

Monday: I started the week great with an awesome lower body lift and a 3-mile run
Tuesday: I gave blood today, but still did a boxing practice and bled through my arm bandage... which made me feel pretty badass
Wednesday: I started to feel shitty today... I was fatigued (slept through one of my classes) and uncomfortable and I blamed the fact that I gave blood. I still did the IOCT once, wrestling practice, and boxing practice (although that was cut short because of some jerk-off of a clerk)
Thursday: I felt a lot of fatigue today... but identified it finally and called the cadet health clinic to make an appointment. I don't think I caught the swine flu, but it's definitely a bug of some sort. They're supposed to give me antibiotics. I slept after class and went to bed early.

Today.. the plan is to do an upper body lift and go to an open gym for wrestling. This plan includes imbibing an energy drink roughly 55 minutes before practice. Although I feel bad that my work-outs weren't amazing this week, looking back I still did them. The only day I really blew off was Thursday and like I've realized that was totally justified.

Academically, I'm actually concerned that I might like CE300, my civil engineering class. While it's true that I don't have a laughably easy schedule like my roommate or systems engineering... I never wanted to completely sacrifice math and science so this suits me well. I also am starting to do better in my law classes. I felt so weird readjusting from only three weeks in Cape Verde, but it made more of an impact than I thought it would. It really was life-changing.

Militarily... I can't tell yet. I have yet to get my initial counseling forms signed by two of my three subordinates, but I had a squad meeting yesterday and told them to get on the ball. Unfortunately this meeting was in front of my roommate who apparently all the plebes "love" -- this is according to her. I hate to sound jealous, but she sounds so smug sometimes. She sounds so professional asking the plebers for foreign affairs articles. She cites their knowledge book like it's nobody's business. She balances being sappily sweet to them with screeching at them when they screw up duties.

Okay so she was also Beast cadre meaning her job was to yell at new cadets and to know their knowledge book and to enforce the standard for 4 solid weeks.

I can't help but feel the same way now that I did as a plebe. I felt like some of the hazing was stupid when I was a plebe. I still feel that way as an upperclass. I understand the pertinence of some of it, and I'm glad they are expected to know basic arms knowledge and foreign affairs are important... but I can't survive without some level of ridiculousness. I'm glad I have lunch at a table with three different people. I almost feel like I see too much of my roomie. I feel like if I open my mouth I am competing with her. I really don't care about half the stuff we expect plebes to know. I mean if they have a funny article I'd be twice as satisfied as opposed to a serious but boring foreign affairs article that means relatively little to me. I am having trouble finding my way... my leadership style.

I find it frustrating when my roomie says things like, "I'm a good leader... I mean look I got a military A this summer!" Why care about the grade? I mean I'm glad she got it, but why flaunt it? I mean... so what I got an A-? Does that mean I'm sub-par? Does it mean I had a harder detail? Does it really mean anything? In my opinion it equals shit insofar as your leadership capability. I've talked to kids on both sides of the spectrum. There have been POS's who weren't worth a damn thing who got A's and there have been competent and good people who get C's from a lazy superior.

And I'm venting because I care about my performance. I may not be a super-hooah... but I don't want to be a total shit-bag. I hope I can find some motivation in having a squad. A squad of six people... it's such a joke. I barely see them. Well that's just another challenge. And I like challenges. This weekend if I work out, do my homework and have a short squad meeting on Sunday to get face time and so that they keep doing the right thing... then I will be able to make it through the next week. And then the process will start again, setting goals, having great days, followed by shitty days, and peppered with so-so days that are just distracting. It's a never-ending process. Hello world.

Collective Thought

Got my ink cartridges Sunday. It was a very enjoyable day. It was drizzling and overcast but it was warm. Plus I got an egg sandwich from Dunkin Donuts which really makes it a great Sunday. I also got to have an hour plus talk with someone who I didn't realize I had as much in common with... it's amazing what you learn if you just exchange ideas. People that seem suited to careers might not want them, at least not the contract or the idea of slaving away towards retirement. Naturally, having a family (if that's already in your plans) throws a wrench in a devil-may-care attitude, and I guess I'd better not completely dismiss the idea in case I fall for a guy who is family-minded but I digress

Who'd have thunk that 'the man with the plan' that everyone admires and of whom people say, "I don't think he's ever broken a rule...", that guy who "is" the standard, he and I get along just fine. Why? I dunno. I feel like I'm as far opposite that as possible. My drive is fantastic far-off places. I want to live in a city with a young crowd. I want to be displaced, moved, shaken. I wish i were better at enjoying life than I am, then at least I could claim I was good at something besides being frenetic and comic-book drawings. However, it was strange how we both agreed on one thing. Neither or us could see (doesn't mean it won't happen), but neither of us could see ourselves stuck somewhere in the future. Neither of us could really explain ourselves, but he agreed,

"It's like you said, I want to be able to go."

I had described that as the life I wanted in the city. The ability to just go, to not have my time metered out to me in blocks and charts. He described it in a different sense, but somehow meaning something similar. I was surprised. It's not that I didn't think he was capable of that, but I assumed he would crave consistency and stability and here he was craving something he had no name for but in the outdoors in the future. He couldn't see himself doing the Army career at the exact moment we spoke. For all I know, his opinion has shifted and right now he is positive he is going to stay for life, but we shared that for a moment in time. It was brief, but it was great. I was on the same page with him, and it's okay because I'm still on my page. I'm still on my path and it's different and carved uniquely through time.

I guess it really made me feel confident because another friend of mine who is determined to do the military career told me vehemently that this guy is definitely going to stay in for life. According to my friend, Blondie, there's no other possibility. I think B. is career-driven which is fine, but he sort of slaves towards that end. It's okay, but I look at him and wonder if he's fulfilled. He is busy and satisfied and hard-working... harder working than I certainly. I wonder if he will look around someday and think that maybe he worked a little too hard on his career and not enough on things that make him happy without serving any particular military or career benefit. He hasn't exactly been very nice either. I stopped by the other day to invite him out for coffee and after that and my stopping by later he told me to not imagine we are 'dating'. The manner in which he told me was quite rude, because I left immediately and right after I left his roommate (who had been pretending to be listening to music on his headphones or legitimately trying to block our noise) told him he was being a real "D" which prompted him to apologize to me. I still remain offended because I was just being friendly, if he wants to read into it I won't invite him out to coffee. I mean it's just one of those things you do here at West Point, it's the social exchange that centers around food. Why do you think there are party pizzas? I love to go to Grant with friends even if I already ate, we just talk while they get their food or wait for their pizza. Some people need to get off their high horse and realize when a friendly offer is that and no more.

Well, it's the end of the year and I have a tendency to suddenly do something that isn't exactly well thought-out, impetuous is a better word. I am struggling to stay focused. More to follow.

Made it to the Weekend

It turns out I did improve my time up the 1/1 Trail by :31 seconds. I finished the trail hard and when I touched the handrail and stopped my watch I was smiling as I sucked air in and out and tried to get my heart rate back to normal. From there we ran to the highest point on West Point and I needed a hand to get up that hill, but I knew that I'd made progress, so that was okay. Some people from our company set up a scenario for us to practice problem-solving too so we ran down another hill and from there we had to memorize a 'message' for the 'village sheik' something about communication. We headed up the slippery hill and into the wind and swirling bits of ice in the air.

It wasn't snowing, it wasn't raining, it was just tiny particles of ices falling and bouncing off our noses and sometimes sticking to our eyelashes and gathering on the guys' short haircuts. The weather was sort of beautiful and thanks to the more relaxed pace of the scenario I had time to enjoy it. I was cold, but warmed up because of the running, and since I had stepped in several puddles my feet were soaked. I had two choices, either be purely miserable because of the weather or at least appreciate the fluctuating amount of ice that was drifting down all around at one point thick enough to catch flurries on your tongue.

There was still some 'smoking' during the scenario. That is we were told to do diamond push-ups, flutter kicks, and jumping jacks. One of the things they wanted us to do was push-ups in a line, but stay in order of our message. Unfortunately doing pushups with someone's feet on your back is hard enough if your back is half as wide as everyone else's and then I forgot that being of similar weight usually helps. When we started the first rep I collapsed and could not for the life of me get up. At first I thought it was just a lack of trying, but then I realized that I had my feet elevated on someone else's back and that the person in front of me weighed almost 180 lbs! I realized that I don't bench that much, in fact I've never benched that much. I also realized when I stood up that I pulled a muscle in my back trying to do something I just wasn't physically strong enough to do yet.

That day was good though. We ran down a trail and the PX hill past Michie Stadium and then took the cadet chapel turn-off and down those stairs till we took a right behind Brad-Long Barracks and upstairs to Pershing. It was a Spirit Dinner night, and the theme was Mardis Gras. Sometimes these Corps-wide mandatory dinners just mean we are wearing the seasonal (and drab) uniform and getting a speech, but tonight it meant we could have fun with a theme and the plebes were expected to try to dress up for the theme with only issue items. All upperclassmen are allowed to wear civilian clothes to themed dinners.

I love Mardis Gras, so even though it was a Thursday and I had almost nil time to get ready I grabbed my pink halter-top because it is covered in a flower design that is basically outlined in sequins and shiny bits. This was the most mardi-gras-esque piece I owned and I paired it with jeans and closed-toed blue heels. I wore a jacket to dinner because it was still cold outside even though it was only about a 150-200 meter walk to Washington Hall. Towards the end of dinner, a junior who is also in my chain of command came up to me and said she needed to speak to me later that night about what I was wearing. I asked innocently why? It was Mardi Gras theme, right? She curtly told me that what I was wearing could be offensive to others. I agreed to talk to her that night. As soon as she left the table, the guys jumped to my defense.

I ended up talking to her later that night where she lectured me about what was appropriate clothing and what wasn't. She printed out two pages of SOP indicating what civilian clothes were strictly prohibited. She said she understood that you could hardly walk through a mall without seeing haltertops and tube tops, but that my rule of thumb should be asking myself, "Would I be embarrassed to wear that in front of General?" She also told me that having that much cleavage showing was setting a bad example.

I didn't argue, nor am I arguing here that she didn't have a point. However, things that I thought of that I wisely didn't bring up at the moment were things like the fact that the SOP says verbatim,

"Examples of clothes that do not represent... well and therefore are not allowed include: cutoffs, any shirt that exposes the midriff, shirts inteded to be worn as undergarments, tank or halter tops, mini-skirts, shower shoes / flip-flops, or..." etc. etc.

Yet the SOP also says in 5-2 the page before that within area 4-1 cadets are allowed to wear a "modified" Casual civilian standard "which includes collarless shirts, pants without belts, flip-flops and any clothing printed without offensive material or language that references or promotes the use of drugs or alcohol"

I was within 4-1 and it was a Spirit Dinner which does not have defined limits of what to wear and my shirt didn't promote drugs or alcohol. Additionally I would not have felt embarrassed to wear my halter top in front of a General given the situation and the fact that it is a halter top that fits me and I wouldn't have worn it to a formal or semi-formal event.

I still only nodded my head, took the papers and gave the proper emphatic, "Of course" whenever it was required of me. I haven't really changed my mind, but neither has this girl. It would be administrative punishment anyway, and not really worth the time or trouble of fighting.

Friday morning we did hill repeats, which really had me riled up at first because I thought after two days of hills that a third hard day was a bad idea. We were wearing our gas masks and carrying our "rubber ducks" (hard rubber casts of M-16 rifles with metal barrels and sight posts). We did four hill repeats regular, and then three wearing the gas masks. It feels like you are inhaling the same air you are exhaling. After the 6th repetition up the hill I was getting ready to throw in the towel, but all of sudden we were done. We had to run up the hill to get home, but that was understandable. I felt ten times happier I finished the work-out and the week and what's more is that about three of the hill runs I finished a lot closer to the rest of the team than usual. Progress!!

Yesterday (Friday) afternoon we did weapons disassembly and reassembly. We worked on the 240B machine gun, the M249 Squad Automated Weapon (SAW), and the AK-47. For some weird reason I ended up bruising my hand, but all of my disassembly/reassembly times were reasonable. I am not the fastest, but I am okay with that I know I will improve steadily and my combined skills are at a level that I am happy with but know has room for improvement.