Saturday, June 26, 2010

I'm Proud of Where I Came From..

Haven't posted in a while, but figured it was time to.
After this essay is done for Comparative Legal Systems I can finally get down to business of getting in shape for the November NYAC tournament.

Gotta say that my motto right now is everything happens for a reason. I am not exactly thrilled at the prospect of facing all the bad things that are going to happen to me or the bad things that have happened to me so far... I've been betrayed, taken advantage of, lied to, and trodden on. I've been hurting so bad I could only laugh, the worst moment in my life and I couldn't handle it. I've loved deeply, dumbly, blindly, and been saved inadvertently by the very nature of the boys who couldn't handle me.

And I can't undo all the evil I've been responsible for... I've hurt people with my words, I've made people feel small, I've been silent when I could have, even should have, said the right thing. I've accepted defeat. I've attacked myself for every failure and I've procrastinated to the point it is unhealthy. I've been guilty of envy, sloth and pride.

But I can't wait for the future good that is going to happen. And only more can happen with the right drive, applying myself, and keeping myself focused. I think the hardest lesson for girls after they are eighteen is to learn they don't have to go out with "relatively cute good guy there is not necessarily a spark for" It's so hard to resist sometimes though. We want to be in relationships.. it's only natural. And hell it could work out, but it wouldn't be sheer happiness which is what, in my mind, it's supposed to be. So what makes me ridiculously outrageously happy now? What makes me get that look of determination and hope? What makes me babble on and on and use corny phrases and mean them? Wrestling.

So today I discovered a "grip machine" in the Pershing basement. a stick with a cord attached to a weight. That is a sign if I ever saw one. I also saw a kid working out in the basement who looked like a wrestler. I also ran 3.5 miles last week. My legs feel fine. I'm not training hard yet because of this damn essay but after that it's forgive the phrasing... balls to the walls.

Also... considering cutting my hair short again. Must check the schedule for senior pictures. Would like my picture to have an adorable braid I figured out how to do while I was in Portugal... but at the same time I think it would be a symbolic gesture. While I get lots of compliments on my hair, it's quite distracting to boys and it seems like they still can't get it through their thick heads I am quite turned off of military boys at this point.

And that's not a permanent thing, but it's a right now thing. I have met someone who I really felt a click with, and really felt for on so many levels. I think even though that didn't work, I want that sync. I want someone who can at times stay a step ahead of me, and I want someone humble enough to give me my dues when I catch him flat-footed. Ah, but I'm getting ahead of myself. I want someone I haven't met yet. In other words, if he's not around here, then I shoud use the opportunity to put my heart and soul into my goals because by accomplishing them... in between he'll show up and I'll figure out slowly that he's the one.

I guess I am also expressing my frustration with current individuals who have really taken my rejection the wrong way... they believe if they can boast prowess in all sorts of for example military, physical and/or social levels I will suddenly fall back into infatuation with them. And if there was a way to give him a mental slap in the back of the head I would. But at this point I am trying to keep my mouth shut when people won't get it.

I even caught myself today when I started to argue with my 25 year old friend who was explaining how "old" he is. Give me a break. Some of my friends in Europe were 26, 28, 29, not to mention the great rapport I've always enjoyed with my mentors. One of my pet peeves, well occasionally I use it as a source of entertainment, is when a 24-25 year old talks about the "old days". I may only be 20, and born on the wrong side of a decade to prove my age... but for crying out loud... you're only 5 years older than me! What on earth were you processing/comprehending when you were 5 years old? And if your so wise, why are you my classmate? I would respect people like that more if they didn't try to brag about it. But... I digress.

So my first crush on a good guy who handled me fairly well and with whom I have a strong friendship and don't get annoyed with... well he was good at a lot. He made friends with people he respected, he lives his life in a good way (he would say Christian, but I would say good), he was physically proficient, extremely intelligent, and had other skills as well. I'm just glad that only one guy knows that I had a thing for him, because well he doesn't understand it wasn't all those things that made me like this guy.. it was the things that nobody knew or understood about him. It was the funny, awkward, clever, argumentative, cute man underneath that proficient exterior that I liked. But boys don't get it. It's not about physical although that is definitely a plus, and where a lot of initial attraction starts.

Eh... the point is... boys are bad news right now and maybe I am gettin a pixie cut. And hopefully the blogs will start again in better strength in July. Until then, I'm out.