The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo (2011) Reaction

It is post-Christmas and I've been feeling anxious lately. Though I was able to accomplish a lot yesterday, I still ended up getting into a fight (verbal) at the end of the night, just thankfully not in public. I felt like the conversation was going well and I was holding my own without being too prickly of a person, but I wasn't too sure since I had gotten three shots to update my immunizations records and one was a polio adult booster - the number one side effect is, naturally, irritability. So I was double checking my personal assessment of the situation with a friend and a somewhat unrelated fight broke out over other topics. I guess the movie we saw had me a little bit sensitive and reactive: The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. And I know there is a book, and I really ought to read it, but I just haven't gotten around to it yet.
Anyway, overheard someone say of Lisbeth's rape scene that she would break the bed rather than endure the rape. Now I know it's nice to imagine that, but it just doesn't appeal to me as an observational comment.  When I looked at my reaction to the comment, I was perplexed and had to try to think why it bothered me.  After some thought, I guess it was the subtle way she put herself above the character's reaction. Rather than say, "I'm sure she wished she could have broken the bed rather than been raped, that scene was so strong and uncomfortable." the comment was rather one that she would have done the impossible to avoid the rape.

But comments and why those comments stood out in my mind aside, the scene makes me think of how living unconventionally makes you vulnerable to being taken advantage of in ways that aren't immediately apparent. Maybe being conventional and sweet and submissive and effeminate without apparent strength puts you at the mercy of strong men, but you could live your whole life in this fashion and be "alright." You could believe that if everyone followed the rules that we'd all be okay and taken care of.  Yet if you're wild and need independence for whatever reason - whether past trauma or betrayal - it can be held against you.  You don't conform to society and whether you are a man or woman, you suffer for it.  Yet the wayfaring woman has so much more to fear than the man.

The closing scene of the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo also hit me hard.  It's the sort of scene that makes me sad because when someone who finds it difficult to become romantically involved finds someone they care about, it is painful to find out that the other doesn't feel the same way - or at least believing this.  That you were a phase in their life, and that they are going back to what is familiar and easier.  Finding someone who makes you feel even dryly witty and attractive, only to find out you barely made an impression is one of the biggest let downs you can feel in your life.

I know I am projecting, because obviously there is a book and I should probably read that for more insight into Lisbeth's point of view.  But on the movie, if you - man or woman - are strong enough like the protagonist to be "alright" and take care of yourself, it is still one of life's tragedies to see a hardened person begin to soften only to get hurt and feel as though the offending person has proven their lowest estimations of humanity are right from time to time.  It's enough to stay cynical.  Strong movie.  Very thought provoking, I have got to read the books now...

Emotional, yes, but Honest

I cannot say honestly that I'm a good person, but I can say that I don't want to demean others.  I don't get pleasure from belittling people.  When I have criticism, it's usually because I see no one correct a behavior I consider inappropriate.  When I'm standoffish or seem cruel it's usually because I'm self-conscious and wary of being backstabbed as has happened in the past.

Yet the real question is where does this tendency to doubt myself so much come from?  Why do I feel responsible for the failures of my peers?  Why do I feel like a failure for my inability to successfully inspire others to better themselves?  Why don't I have a hands off approach that some of my peers seem to?  Why do I take criticism and failure so deeply personal?  I will always struggle with this in my career.  It is not a problem on the surface and does not interfere with my professional lifestyle except insomuch as it prevents me from seizing the most of my potential.

In the romantic department it keeps me from happiness.  Romantically I am a wreck.  I sway back and forth between wanting to be single and wanting a soul mate and settling for a someone.  Sometimes I feel like I have no support system in my life and I crave another human being I can be forthright and honest with.  In this world there's so little that's honest left.  A lot of what is out there is in denial and shallow and petty and scares me to death.  What's wrong with this world?

And when it comes to the path I've chosen, there is really nothing in this world I could do with a completely clear conscience.  Every single benefit comes at a price whether in time, in character, in money, or in blood.  Even in a relationship I wonder should I sacrifice stability for the highs and lows of wild romance?  Or should I stolidly force myself to love someone who would be a stable partner?  It sounds so boring and so cold.

There's only one life, I want to give it my all.  I cannot continually be wrapped around the axle about every mistake I make along the way.  Victory does not come easily to any of us.  Everyone has their Achilles Heel.  But this doesn't answer my question of love.

It isn't that I think there aren't multiple chances for love in this life, or rather the right chance will come along and a choice will be laid out.  I believe lasting love requires sacrifice it's just that women are generally better at and better suited to making this sacrifice.  I haven't sacrificed anything I couldn't get back for a man yet, and thankfully those men I've not ended up with have been not the right one.  Yet I wonder if there will come a time when that sacrifice will be asked of me, and I wonder if I will be willing to make such a sacrifice.  If I continue to guard myself, I might never let anyone in.  My tendency to get hurt tells me there is still feeling under the scar tissue of my heart.  It is not a dead muscle yet, and I know it's easy to say at the young age of twenty-one there are eons for me to find "the One."

Life comes at you fast though, and in only two months I will be twenty-two, and then in Germany and then... who knows?  Career, deployment perhaps; acclimating to a culture immersion.  The list goes on and on.  Love might not have a place in my life at this time, but if it's not something I am clear to myself I want someday, than I will never make room in my life for love.  If I really was heartless than I would be satisfied with this outcome and put myself peacefully to work towards my other goals and dreams.  But I am feverish with the desire to find a someone to spend the rest of my life with.  I do not seek someone to complete me, but someone who understands me in a way that even my family does not understand me, and who learns to love me with all my flaws in the most obnoxious joy the most wretched anger and the deepest despair.  And I know that no one can do that if I'm sitting here occupied with insecurity.  I know it's only a small - though strong - part of me that wants to hide.  But hiding is over, it's time to be open again to the shrapnel of this emotion.

Whether brief or with a surprising longevity, I'm setting my foundation of confidence.  It will not be a simple project, there's a lot of debris here.  It's like an abandoned outpost, overgrown and isolated.  There's work to be done and I'm set to doing this work.  It's no easy task.  It's just no easy task.

Super Moon Musings

The moon is supposed to drive us to madness... I guess it's too late for the likes of me.  As usual I'm crazy with all the work I have to do by Wednesday alone... I'm so tired already but there's yet work to be done... I've got to call it a night as soon as this caffeine wears off.

Right now I am just wondering if everyone has a someone... I mean what if that someone isn't there for you?  Or what if you can't find them?  I mean, in that silly movie Ever After you supposedly always find your someone but so many people have been in loveless marriages... luckless lives... many people have lived their whole lives lonely.  Some people choose to withdraw from the world, is their hermitage really inflicting a heartache on someone else in the world?  And what if two people think one person is their someone?  Is one of them wrong?  Can they both be right?  But only one gets the prize?  I guess there are other types of fulfillment in the world than relationships... but I think a relationship would make me happy too.  Not that I can't be happy without one... and after all the supposed success to attracting a healthy relationship is to be a healthy person... but so many people come together out of need anyway.  I mean and don't we love the people most who stick out the worst for us?  Wasn't it Marilyn Monroe who said if you can't stand me at my worst you don't deserve me at my best?  She didn't exactly end well though did she?

Endless questions.  I guess I'm supposed to be giving my point of view, but I'm no one to give advice.  I'm a fool in this game.  I've made all the classic mistakes, and some creative ones too.  I could tell you it's not a good idea to go from one intense, long term relationship to another when you're in the middle of a life changing experience.  I would definitely advise just taking it easy with relationships altogether when you're going through life-changing events... but then again... it's been quite tumultuous from age fifteen to age twenty-one I would personally not recommend anyone between those ages getting involved with anyone seriously for the whole of that time.  Not exactly reasonable, is it?  And that's just general advice if I was twenty-one year old Me talking to fifteen year old Me.

For the guys on the other hand I have so many don'ts.  Don't lie to the girl you want to keep.  Don't cheat on a girl you expressly want to be exclusive with you.  Don't propose to a girl about to graduate or embark on anything that has a lot to do with her future unless you have a good alternative plan.  Don't get too attached too soon.  Don't assume girls can read your mind just because we over analyze everything.  In fact according to our calculations you are thinking about so many things at once your brain ought to explode if scientific measurements of brain activity are accurate.

So as for the future?  I have no idea in the romance department.  I know with about 89% certainty my future geographical location and occupation.  That might be slightly more than most people are sure about in their lives, but that is about it.

Hours pass, and I still count the Minutes

So.. I have finally had the epiphany that age is simply a number. This has really taken me a while to learn. It was really just a fantasy of mine that you could label people based on the number of years they'd been on the earth... but while there are certain things you cannot deny such as the culture you were exposed to or the generation you belong to... you cannot assume that someone with more years is necessarily wiser.

What did it take for me to understand this? Well, a strange connection between old lessons and the rather plain statement of,

"Whether he was sixteen or nineteen, what he did was wrong, and if he pulled such a dumbass move at nineteen you can guarantee in the same situation he would have acted the same at sixteen."

Huh. Funny when you put it like that. I just always wished there was an age where you could be held culpable for your actions, and while there is such an age in legal terms... well when it comes to feelings whether of anger or annoyance and when it comes to the moral issue of placing blame... well age is a fuzzy area. And the area in and after puberty is pretty crazy in terms of maturity. There really isn't a label... and that can be downright frustrating.

However, having learned that lesson with some small exceptions... it's still hard to remember that when I consider the day to day mundane situations I find myself in.

Moving on... I feel a swell of pity for any boy who is or becomes interested in me at this point. It is regrettable that I feel a huge amount of for lack of a better word: bitchiness for the opposite gender that would like to initiate a romantic pursuit of me.

That probably sounds obscenely conceited, except that I'm twice as frustrated because I'm feeling something throughout my veins I don't usually acknowledge: bitterness. I'm completely crushed and feeling more down and out at the moment than usual. It's not guys in general, but right now it's the boys who hit on me. For some reason it's making me angry. And I don't feel apologetic for it at all. I feel a stupid sense of vindication because I've been hurt and the odds are that this will end the same way. It doesn't help that three of the last four come ons were purely physical and self-serving on the guys' end. And I'm glad I turned them all down. But at the same time I can't help but sing a woe-is-me "where have all the cowboys gone?" tune.

But it's better to take these feelings I suppose and channel them towards my goals. Gotta buy a car, get into shape, and plan a road trip. Also, spending time with my cousins and my friends. Still it's hard to supress the surprisingly strong bitchy urge to really make the next guy suffer. Oh, and it doesn't help that at the same time I'm trying to get my smart if angry mind to convince my heart to get the hell over the failures of the present. And I know I've talked about him enough and it's obvious I'm still taken with him, still charmed, and still enamored... but damnit I know better I just can't make myself change overnight. So please forgive the chatter about useless bums in foreign countries... I know what the problem is and I assure you I'm working as hard as I can on the solution.

I'm Proud of Where I Came From..

Haven't posted in a while, but figured it was time to.
After this essay is done for Comparative Legal Systems I can finally get down to business of getting in shape for the November NYAC tournament.

Gotta say that my motto right now is everything happens for a reason. I am not exactly thrilled at the prospect of facing all the bad things that are going to happen to me or the bad things that have happened to me so far... I've been betrayed, taken advantage of, lied to, and trodden on. I've been hurting so bad I could only laugh, the worst moment in my life and I couldn't handle it. I've loved deeply, dumbly, blindly, and been saved inadvertently by the very nature of the boys who couldn't handle me.

And I can't undo all the evil I've been responsible for... I've hurt people with my words, I've made people feel small, I've been silent when I could have, even should have, said the right thing. I've accepted defeat. I've attacked myself for every failure and I've procrastinated to the point it is unhealthy. I've been guilty of envy, sloth and pride.

But I can't wait for the future good that is going to happen. And only more can happen with the right drive, applying myself, and keeping myself focused. I think the hardest lesson for girls after they are eighteen is to learn they don't have to go out with "relatively cute good guy there is not necessarily a spark for" It's so hard to resist sometimes though. We want to be in relationships.. it's only natural. And hell it could work out, but it wouldn't be sheer happiness which is what, in my mind, it's supposed to be. So what makes me ridiculously outrageously happy now? What makes me get that look of determination and hope? What makes me babble on and on and use corny phrases and mean them? Wrestling.

So today I discovered a "grip machine" in the Pershing basement. a stick with a cord attached to a weight. That is a sign if I ever saw one. I also saw a kid working out in the basement who looked like a wrestler. I also ran 3.5 miles last week. My legs feel fine. I'm not training hard yet because of this damn essay but after that it's forgive the phrasing... balls to the walls.

Also... considering cutting my hair short again. Must check the schedule for senior pictures. Would like my picture to have an adorable braid I figured out how to do while I was in Portugal... but at the same time I think it would be a symbolic gesture. While I get lots of compliments on my hair, it's quite distracting to boys and it seems like they still can't get it through their thick heads I am quite turned off of military boys at this point.

And that's not a permanent thing, but it's a right now thing. I have met someone who I really felt a click with, and really felt for on so many levels. I think even though that didn't work, I want that sync. I want someone who can at times stay a step ahead of me, and I want someone humble enough to give me my dues when I catch him flat-footed. Ah, but I'm getting ahead of myself. I want someone I haven't met yet. In other words, if he's not around here, then I shoud use the opportunity to put my heart and soul into my goals because by accomplishing them... in between he'll show up and I'll figure out slowly that he's the one.

I guess I am also expressing my frustration with current individuals who have really taken my rejection the wrong way... they believe if they can boast prowess in all sorts of for example military, physical and/or social levels I will suddenly fall back into infatuation with them. And if there was a way to give him a mental slap in the back of the head I would. But at this point I am trying to keep my mouth shut when people won't get it.

I even caught myself today when I started to argue with my 25 year old friend who was explaining how "old" he is. Give me a break. Some of my friends in Europe were 26, 28, 29, not to mention the great rapport I've always enjoyed with my mentors. One of my pet peeves, well occasionally I use it as a source of entertainment, is when a 24-25 year old talks about the "old days". I may only be 20, and born on the wrong side of a decade to prove my age... but for crying out loud... you're only 5 years older than me! What on earth were you processing/comprehending when you were 5 years old? And if your so wise, why are you my classmate? I would respect people like that more if they didn't try to brag about it. But... I digress.

So my first crush on a good guy who handled me fairly well and with whom I have a strong friendship and don't get annoyed with... well he was good at a lot. He made friends with people he respected, he lives his life in a good way (he would say Christian, but I would say good), he was physically proficient, extremely intelligent, and had other skills as well. I'm just glad that only one guy knows that I had a thing for him, because well he doesn't understand it wasn't all those things that made me like this guy.. it was the things that nobody knew or understood about him. It was the funny, awkward, clever, argumentative, cute man underneath that proficient exterior that I liked. But boys don't get it. It's not about physical although that is definitely a plus, and where a lot of initial attraction starts.

Eh... the point is... boys are bad news right now and maybe I am gettin a pixie cut. And hopefully the blogs will start again in better strength in July. Until then, I'm out.

NYAC 2009

I wrestled. I lost. Yet I walked away with a smile on my face and pride in my heart. I may have to scrape for every single bit of wrestling time I get, but I will scrape. I will find some way of continuing this pursuance of wrestling. I do love the hard work. I do love the sore muscles. I do love the stinging bruises and the cut lips. I am madly in love with wrestling.

I couldn't see myself as being a particularly great starving wrestler so I went to West Point, but I find myself somewhat fettered here. I have some thoughts that will remain reserved on the subject, but other than that I felt more free today than I have in years since I came to the academy. Last year at NYAC International Open I felt scared and I left crushed and defeated. This year I actually... had some fun. I lost, probably worse than last year as far as results go. But I had improvement. Oh I felt the improvement, it was like a high. I just kept on feeling it in disbelief.

It was possible to overcome my situation and make progress in wrestling? And all I had done was form one link in a support group. One person made a year's worth of difference in me (and maybe I exaggerate a little but I'm trying to make a point). I need to expand this support chain. It's the only possible solution. I have someone who will support me through thick and thin, now I need a practice partner or something like it. Maybe I just need someone to kick my ass in freestyle once a week.

So much to plan. So many possibilities! I am amazed yet humbled by this. I feel like chiding myself, "See... that wasn't so bad was it? A little bit of hard work and effort actually pays off more than grumbling and cursing the system." But I'm happy to have realized it at all, so I will continue to bask in the joy.

Okay maybe 116.8 lb?

There are bigger things on my mind to keep me awake at 1:30 in the morn'

Mostly it's the doozy this week is turning out to be. Whew! I mean, one grueling swim test tomorrow (joy, not). One CE300 WPR Tuesday morning. Watching the Sosh Run in the afternoon which "Sunny" is doing. Wednesday is a law trip section. Thursday two essays are due. Friday I am going to be starving. Meanwhile every night will be full-up with a hard cardio-filled work-out. Pretty much just drinking water and fruits and light protein between now and Wed. Just water and small carbs on Thursday. And... who knows on Friday?

The bigger things though... they are more emotionally related. I felt, defeated this last Friday. I felt undone like the biggest ceramic piece of art had just fallen off a shelf and exploded in the middle of my room. Shards and shards of pottery everywhere and dust coating everything. Strewn amid the regular crap I usually have on my floor it would have been an utter disaster. That's how I felt about Friday. Pretty much ready to cry from sheer frustration. Tonight I feel like I've been running uphill academically this weekend. I feel like I've reached the crest of a hill only to see more hill in front of that and my lungs just won't work right. I can't catch my breath. I'm intimidated. I'm... weary. I want so badly to pause, not stop but take a breath and a break.

On a side note speaking of runs, I took Sunny on a pretty great run. We ran past the cemetery up a hill up towards Michie Stadium than down and a left down a curvy road that mostly ran along Thayer Road. It was more than a two-mile run for sure and it had up and downhill. Plus I ran much faster than he expected. Which also made me suffer a little... but not too bad. The best part is that I haven't had any pain in my hip or my shins!!! OMG!! Even though my hip is popping like I've been running more. I'd say that this last week I ran... um... eleven miles this week! And lifted like a mad-woman. And drilled three times last week and wrestled live twice!

But alas... there might be matters of the heart that are confusing me. Surely these things deserve the least amount of my attention. They are the 'least-important' things to consider. I shouldn't even give them a sentence. They don't need a metaphor. They are scattered day-dreams. They are sappy love songs in gritty old school rock about cars and the 'heat of the moment' and all that crap. Obviously this has no place in my mind right now. And me being the absolute image of self-control and cool-headedness... well Lord knows that right now I'm completely focused on all the many more 'important' things in my life. My heart has no sway over how I act. I am so much better than that. Sigh... hopefully the thickness of the sarcasm here is palpable enough to be a slap in the face. I am what I am, and who else do I have to confide in when my former confidante would rather drink half a bottle of wine before crashing on her bed?

Potentially We Have Potential

Today I re-learned a wrestling move from watching the Div-1 wrestlers for about 20 seconds, wrestled hard live during intramurals against a 140 lb guy, inspired three people to go for a quick upper body lift with me after the wrestling, and went to Salsa Dance Lessons and proceeded to laugh my ass off with a good friend. I also confirmed with my friend in F-1 that I was committed to the women's boxing team I just needed reminders. It doesn't matter how much socially I have to give up I am pursuing this and keeping myself in shape if it's the last thing I do. Hopefully if I don't find wrestling in Portugal I can at the very least find a boxing or kick-boxing gym. I've been thinking ahead how I will stay in shape while I'm abroad. On one hand European meals are longer and healthier, but on the other hand I'll sort of be feeling like I'm 'on holiday' and might overindulge. I may be able to work out less often since I'll be living at a regular college with a city and pubs and stores and people to meet. It might actually cost me money to use gym facilities, another consideration. Just to throw that out there I am thinking about it at least.

Have a meeting scheduled with my Dept. Academic Counselor tomorrow, should be fun really. All the instructors have been meeting with yearlings discussing their 'major' decision. Andy is actually losing a little sleep over it, kind of reminds me when I chose my major how much less I thought about alternative options. I visited the Dirt Dept. briefly but they tried too hard to get me to join their department. I like the instructors and the atmosphere as well as the class content of the law department more. I am also still determined to become fluent in Portuguese and am still bowled over that I'm going to Portugal. I'm certainly excited, although things are moving slowly.

Went to the PX with "Sunny" and bought some new white shirts as well as a multi-vitamin for active young women since the cadet health clinic insists on giving the females pre-natal vitamin pills. It really annoys me. I also got some whey protein for post-weight lifting consumption. I'm working out five days of the week (sometimes I skip a Thursday or Friday but I've been working out on Saturdays too now) and I feel more energy than usual.

Had some quality girl talk last night. My roommate is searching for a boyfriend and unfortunately I think she's looking so hard for a boyfriend she's looking at some guys through rose-colored spectaclels and missing out on casual dating. She's still so upbeat and doing great at academics. A girl down the hall complained she still loves her ex even though he cheated on her and she cheated on him. I shrugged, that girl never acts like she has a boyfriend so I don't see how her life has changed that much. I was surprised how silly some of the conversation was. Most of my two cents made well sense and I think everyone was unsettlingly surprised how pragmatic and practical my advice was. The oldest one there, our neighbor a senior, agreed with me the most and had the most mature point of view. One subject that came up was cheating. Senior AKA Lola (not her real name) had talked to a guy and sort of seen him while he was dating his current girlfriend while she was at semester abroad. He has cheated on his girlfriend more than once. Lola said he said skeazy comments like, "You're all I think about." and his girlfriend is back and Lola said she's not interested in him. Then sophomore down the hall AKA Linn (not real name), says,

"Don't you wish sometimes you could tell the girlfriend like show them the proof and tell them their boyfriend is cheating?"

and Lola replies,

"Yeah, but then she still calls you a slut and bitch for cheating with her boyfriend."

and my roommate retorts hotly,

"Any girl who does that is stupid!"

At which point I break in,

"No, Lola is right.  You [my roomie] damn well remember how it was, if this guy is over the top by saying you're all he thinks about and he sent you flowers you can bet he sounds so sincere to his girlfriend. If she gives a rats ass about him she'll not want to believe and she'll question the motive of the girl telling her the information. She'll wonder if this girl is just trying to get her to break up with her guy unfairly. Unless of course she already completely distrusts her boyfriend. It depends on the nature of the relationship."

Linn disagreed saying she'd believed a girl. I wanted to say Linn had no concept of fidelity, but managed to keep my mouth shut on that. My roomie sort of understood but not fully. Lola really got it though. And I got her. Even though we'd been the exact opposite roles in that situation with different people I realized I didn't like her any less, I did however find the guy weak and quite the P.O.S. Anyway didn't realize I could have so much fun or offer so much to the conversation.

As far as my own relationship status, true I have a boyfriend, but it's just seeing where it goes. We both have our own goals to pursue. I have boxing and wrestling and academics and lifting weights. I also have a semester abroad. I have salsa dancing and EST (shooting if possible). He has sprint football and academics and big decisions upon him plus one of the hardest academic years to face. He's on top of his game and so far so am I. I have two A's in classes. Soon to be three! At least I'm that optimistic. It's time for sleep or all my self-prophecies will be false for sure. Night.

Fan-Tastic Weekend

This weekend went to NYC and had the best time ever... looking forward to future weekends in the city too. I'm finally getting a better idea of what I want to do in the city and just how much there is to do. Having trouble deciding when during my life I want to live there. I am torn between mid-twenties and late-twenties/early thirties. On one hand I can try to go to grad school after a couple years into the military having them pay for it and go to college at NYU or another progressive city with great nightlife. On the other hand, I can wait till my five years are done and then just move into the city. I don't know yet, but I know it's going to happen. There and elsewhere too. Me and my friend discussed it, we both want to visit the world and travel.

My self esteem was in for a treat this weekend. I am feeling great too, although I'm afraid my wallet might have a hang-over. A random stranger in the street called the boy I was travelling with a "lucky man" and even before that moment I just felt very beautiful this weekend. I felt attractive and fit and desirable and the best part was the clothes I was wearing were all jean bottoms (boot-cut jeans, jean shorts, jean skirt) and cotton t-shirts and I wasn't wearing make-up. A lady also complimented my braids saying they were "so cute".

I enjoyed a lot of tasty food too. Had an amazing creme brulee after dinner on friday and also was surprised by what was called a Hibiscus Jewel, a little coconut custard with hibiscus jello on top. Hibiscus was tasty as expected. The last day I had an amazing brunch at the italian restaurant attached to the hotel.

Shopping was also a very successful venture because I bought a vintage X-Men T-Shirt and a pair of gorgeous gold chandalier earrings with cute green bobbles attached to them. There was also a stop at Barnes and Noble which lasted at least three hours. We also found this awesome 24 hour diner that served all meals all the time. The service was great, the food not terribly expensive. It was a charmed weekend to be sure.

The oddest part was a dream I had. I dreamt of an old family... maybe it was like an 18th century one... they were moving into a new house. The family consisted of a husband and wife with two male servants and one female servant and I'm not sure if they had kids. The wife had a nest of swallows installed in her room. It was a strange dream because I was dreaming that I was reading a novel that was simultaneously being played out in front of me. Then I read that one of the servants had been assigned to be the husband's busom buddy and confidante. The last sentence referred to the female servant: "Oh Mrs. Loft!" It was strange as though I had just finished a chapter in a book.

Very Professional, Eh?

Tomorrow is the first day of classes as a cow. As usual I've waited till half past midnight to prepare. This is just my style when it comes to the academic year. I slept in today until I had a meeting that my friend called me to have with him at Grant. A nice public area with many cadets around. The meeting was called in order to discuss the nature of our friendship. He tried smiling and asking how my day was before we went in and sat down. I didn't have much to say. I knew something bad was coming. I went in and sat down and concentrated on the far side of the table and let him speak. His demeanor changed as we sat down. His voice became gruff and he sounded like he was really laying down the law. Apparently our interactions lately had been reduced to playing games. We were saying we were one thing and acting like another thing. At least, that's what he told me.

I said I had nothing to say about it, that I respected his wishes, and promptly stormed off.

I was sadly disappointed he did not follow me, or inquire if I was okay. I have been stewing about that all day. I can't very well turn around and pretend it's okay. I have no desire to stay mad at him either, since I thought we were being friends. The examples he was siting were just our one on one interactions, in particular being alone together for anything, and interactions between us in the hallways that could be misconstrued as flirting.

I, for one, am slightly baffled by his request. I thought we had already decided we were already friends. Additionally the day we really fell apart in my mind and heart was two days ago, which isn't nearly enough time to evaluate how we're acting around each other. Finally, our interactions which can be construed as flirtatious or more than friendly have been mutually-initiated things. If anything he has stopped by my room more often than I have stopped by his room.

Regarding these facts, I am even more irritated at the accusatory manner with which he addressed the nature of our friendship. As though I was trying to lead him astray! I am unsettled once again. I'm not even sure I'll go to the Sandhurst meeting this Wednesday. I know I won't be on the team this year because of my semester abroad (which cannot come soon enough) and I definitely don't have any original ideas to contribute on the matter. The only thing that may motivate me to go are the friends I made on the team that are still there for me.

I am seeing someone else anyway. I am not anyone's girlfriend nor do I have a boyfriend, but I am seeing a sophomore, a yuk if you will. He does not have any issues with my faith. We haven't even so much as discussed the core of our belief although I know he's Catholic. The most serious topics we've discussed have been what's good music and how I don't know anything about cars or football. We don't care what people construe our interactions as, because frankly we don't give a damn. He and I do our own thing, we're not constantly together. This weekend, I went out with new friends, and he stayed in although people on his team wanted him to go out with them.

Why can't things always be this simple? We're just seeing each other. We're not seeing other people, but we're not getting serious. It's like weightless. There isn't a committment and I can breathe. There's also no pressue to be anything I'm not already.

Don't get me wrong, I'm glad I spent time soul-searching this summer. I feel like I've really gotten a handle on what I believe. I am joyful for that. However, I am more indignant than ever to be judged because I don't have what someone else's opinion is the proper degree of relationship with Jesus that I'm supposed to have. What that even means escapes me. I don't think it was ever the purpose of God or Jesus in our lives to come between us and healthy relationships with each other. I think that you're narrow-minded to believe you know God's plan, or that you can sense God's intentions. I think you're putting up a wall, and sealing yourself in a casket, to say that someone else needs the same level of spirituality to pursue a relationship of even warm friendship. Heaven forbid you enjoy a conversation that doesn't center on Jesus Christ... so you feel like you've garnered some wisdom on relationships from a lowly believer now that you're done, you'll continue to wait for God to drop some drop-dead gorgeous, absolutely perfect, God-fearing, midwest girl in your path. And she better be just as holy as you are. I hope she has a friggin' halo, anything less subtle and you may doubt her worthiness to so much as flirt with you.

Sorry that was bitter, and venting. It needed to be done. I'm hurting right now. It hurts immensely. It always hurts. Even if it's for the better. For all I know, this is God's plan and in reality I wouldn't be happy with a guy like this. In fact from the looks of it, I won't be happy with a guy like that. I'm obviously unhappy right now.

Back to classes. Is it ironic that my first hour instructor is the head coach for a certain team? I think so. The guy I'm seeing is on that team. I didn't notice until tonight. Then I also start my first law class tomorrow, I'm excited about this. I think I will like my English instructor, they sent out their guidance this night at 2230. A fellow procrastinator? I hope so.

I also start my workout routine tomorrow. The one I am constructing right now of course. It will be a fun exercise. I plan on getting my highest APFT score this year for the spring. It should totally be doable because I know I can get more push-ups than I did last time and I was in shape then too.

I also start to officially curb my diet tomorrow. Smaller portions. More fruit and vegetables. More water at mando-meals.

I will also be doing more homework at the Library. I have afternoons off. I can knock it out then in the hour after lunch before I take a nap. Thus leaving night time free for fun? We'll see how this plays out. This is the plan anyway.

Gamine

My thoughts on this... today read a book about some Desperate Housewife of some variety or another and was perturbed as I finished it. The scandal, the mutual cheating and infidelity and the sigh laugh and move on of it all seemed strangely regular. As though even my life could someday slip into that mess.

I wish we didn't have any internet connection here then my heart wouldn't be churning over what it's not supposed to be churning over. Just goes to show I'm still on the rebound and should be preoccupying myself with other things until I stop being irrational about this whole relationship thing. I'm not even twenty yet! I have a proper date set up for the date of my return from paradise with a boy who will most certainly flatter my ego. And then I have a semester of figuring out my social scene for real because I'll have no boy to be taking up all my free time. And as a junior at my school I will have way more opportunities to go out.. plus more friends with cars that I won't have to bat my eyelashes at or beg around for rides and now that I can drive I can borrow vehicles too!

This New Feeling

I am buoyed with happiness right now. Even though it is 0515 hours and I'm sitting in the airport waiting for my 0829 flight and I really haven't slept... it doesn't matter or make the smile on my face fade at all. Nor can it stop me from humming all the sappy love songs I know... or from sorta half smiling at everything good that keeps on happening to me.

Did I meet a guy? No. Am I going out with someone? No. I am still blissfully single, but I'm talking to someone who is interested in getting to know me better. That's the beauty of the situation, I'm this happy because of someone who is just a friend. And we're actually not gonna talk to each other that much this summer... we're not even going to speak to each other until I go to LTP for Buckner, and then I think not even until I get at least a week into it. He already gave me tips to call him from Buckner, so I'm going to assume we should wait until then. Meanwhile... I have a life I need to be living. I am getting my license this week no matter how jittery I get. I am going to go hiking sometime maybe this weekend. I am visiting my teachers since school isn't out yet. I am going running and eating some Mexican food that I have been missing and craving.

I am happy to do these things, because someone who is just absolutely amazing thinks that I am amazing and awesome, and wants to pick up where we left off last night... somewhere during dinner at Buffalo Wild Wings and sitting in the Astrology section of Barnes and Noble... we were both undeniably happily enjoying each others' company just laughing and teasing and discussing everything. And even though my allergies and my hormones were making me a grumpy nightmare at the beginning I eventually lightened up and he understood. I felt all the better since I wasn't pretending to be something I wasn't for a man. I mean after all... even as friends, it would be better if he knows who I am and not some projected image of me that tries to cover my flaws. Plus hopefully this way he understands that he genuinely cheered me up.

And speaking of good fortune it comes in droves because I found my keys today and I also got the fee for my one checked bag waived since the lady behind the counter was being nice to me. Kyle stayed with me until it was 0400 because we was waiting for a shuttle to go to Delta terminal. It was a shame because it would have been fun to sit on a plane with him. Well, there is still plenty of time, but I'm temporarily exhausted from the adrenaline and the fun as well as pure sleep deprivation.