Sunday, August 16, 2009

Very Professional, Eh?

Tomorrow is the first day of classes as a cow. As usual I've waited till half past midnight to prepare. This is just my style when it comes to the academic year. I slept in today until I had a meeting that my friend called me to have with him at Grant. A nice public area with many cadets around. The meeting was called in order to discuss the nature of our friendship. He tried smiling and asking how my day was before we went in and sat down. I didn't have much to say. I knew something bad was coming. I went in and sat down and concentrated on the far side of the table and let him speak. His demeanor changed as we sat down. His voice became gruff and he sounded like he was really laying down the law. Apparently our interactions lately had been reduced to playing games. We were saying we were one thing and acting like another thing. At least, that's what he told me.

I said I had nothing to say about it, that I respected his wishes, and promptly stormed off.

I was sadly disappointed he did not follow me, or inquire if I was okay. I have been stewing about that all day. I can't very well turn around and pretend it's okay. I have no desire to stay mad at him either, since I thought we were being friends. The examples he was siting were just our one on one interactions, in particular being alone together for anything, and interactions between us in the hallways that could be misconstrued as flirting.

I, for one, am slightly baffled by his request. I thought we had already decided we were already friends. Additionally the day we really fell apart in my mind and heart was two days ago, which isn't nearly enough time to evaluate how we're acting around each other. Finally, our interactions which can be construed as flirtatious or more than friendly have been mutually-initiated things. If anything he has stopped by my room more often than I have stopped by his room.

Regarding these facts, I am even more irritated at the accusatory manner with which he addressed the nature of our friendship. As though I was trying to lead him astray! I am unsettled once again. I'm not even sure I'll go to the Sandhurst meeting this Wednesday. I know I won't be on the team this year because of my semester abroad (which cannot come soon enough) and I definitely don't have any original ideas to contribute on the matter. The only thing that may motivate me to go are the friends I made on the team that are still there for me.

I am seeing someone else anyway. I am not anyone's girlfriend nor do I have a boyfriend, but I am seeing a sophomore, a yuk if you will. He does not have any issues with my faith. We haven't even so much as discussed the core of our belief although I know he's Catholic. The most serious topics we've discussed have been what's good music and how I don't know anything about cars or football. We don't care what people construe our interactions as, because frankly we don't give a damn. He and I do our own thing, we're not constantly together. This weekend, I went out with new friends, and he stayed in although people on his team wanted him to go out with them.

Why can't things always be this simple? We're just seeing each other. We're not seeing other people, but we're not getting serious. It's like weightless. There isn't a committment and I can breathe. There's also no pressue to be anything I'm not already.

Don't get me wrong, I'm glad I spent time soul-searching this summer. I feel like I've really gotten a handle on what I believe. I am joyful for that. However, I am more indignant than ever to be judged because I don't have what someone else's opinion is the proper degree of relationship with Jesus that I'm supposed to have. What that even means escapes me. I don't think it was ever the purpose of God or Jesus in our lives to come between us and healthy relationships with each other. I think that you're narrow-minded to believe you know God's plan, or that you can sense God's intentions. I think you're putting up a wall, and sealing yourself in a casket, to say that someone else needs the same level of spirituality to pursue a relationship of even warm friendship. Heaven forbid you enjoy a conversation that doesn't center on Jesus Christ... so you feel like you've garnered some wisdom on relationships from a lowly believer now that you're done, you'll continue to wait for God to drop some drop-dead gorgeous, absolutely perfect, God-fearing, midwest girl in your path. And she better be just as holy as you are. I hope she has a friggin' halo, anything less subtle and you may doubt her worthiness to so much as flirt with you.

Sorry that was bitter, and venting. It needed to be done. I'm hurting right now. It hurts immensely. It always hurts. Even if it's for the better. For all I know, this is God's plan and in reality I wouldn't be happy with a guy like this. In fact from the looks of it, I won't be happy with a guy like that. I'm obviously unhappy right now.

Back to classes. Is it ironic that my first hour instructor is the head coach for a certain team? I think so. The guy I'm seeing is on that team. I didn't notice until tonight. Then I also start my first law class tomorrow, I'm excited about this. I think I will like my English instructor, they sent out their guidance this night at 2230. A fellow procrastinator? I hope so.

I also start my workout routine tomorrow. The one I am constructing right now of course. It will be a fun exercise. I plan on getting my highest APFT score this year for the spring. It should totally be doable because I know I can get more push-ups than I did last time and I was in shape then too.

I also start to officially curb my diet tomorrow. Smaller portions. More fruit and vegetables. More water at mando-meals.

I will also be doing more homework at the Library. I have afternoons off. I can knock it out then in the hour after lunch before I take a nap. Thus leaving night time free for fun? We'll see how this plays out. This is the plan anyway.

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