Monday, November 23, 2009


Something has changed. A content restlessness flows through me. It's the result of wrestling against Missouri Baptist Univ. wrestler Whitbeck and against Canadian Stewart. I was complimented by a few people at the tournament. I was noticed. It is sustaining me. It is a faint glow that might mean dawn is finally coming.

I must admit not all is well... I fought with my roommate yesterday. Besides getting creative with my curse-words, we hashed out some issues, then I swallowed a corrosive dose of pride and spoke with the girl I have harbored anger towards since she dared encroaching on my life this semester by going out with one of my friends and acting like besties with my roomie.

First my roomie and I had an argument that came to a boiling point fast, because of me. Eventually she stormed off to class and I went to buy a $1.49 coffee. Afterwards I went to this girl's room and extended an angry but determined olive branch. I was blunt. She's not a flower. On the contrary I think her sacharrine sweetness masks a terribly poisonous and manipulative person... but one who isn't worth my time. I focused on the fact that I didn't... actively dislike her. I also told her that I wasn't acting any differently towards her than any of her other classmates in my company. I was vague, but direct. I referenced her boyfriend a lot. I brought up our common points (of which there are very few), and I cut her off repeatedly. I remembered another reason I disliked her. She must always be talking. While this makes her fun if you are in the mood for witty banter, it makes her very annoying if you are trying to address her. If only like my cousin she could direct this sheer volume of talking in the direction of a cell phone... than I could afford myself valuable seconds to have some calm thoughts as opposed to frustrated ones edged with, "When you shut up I will answer!"

Either way, my roommate and I resolved our argument fairly peacefully. And I finally bridged a gap that could have been a social disaster. Nothing fatal, but potentially toxic.

I did a map check of my grades. I basically have a chance to make an A- in all of my classes for certain, with the exception of Law classes and Portuguese. Portuguese I can still make an A+ and Law I don't know because I don't know my grades for the - few - graded assignments we had.

I am getting stronger too. In spite of waking up early I did not nap after classes but worked out. I ran 1.71 miles, 14 minutes at increasing intervals and the rest of the time at a 7.5 mph pace. Then during upper body I showed my work-out partner the motions that I felt the least strength in and we modified my lifting routine to add strength where it was lacking. When I expressed a desire to increase faster, he said less rest time between sets. I am over-joyed and looking forward to seeing further results.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

NYAC 2009

I wrestled. I lost. Yet I walked away with a smile on my face and pride in my heart. I may have to scrape for every single bit of wrestling time I get, but I will scrape. I will find some way of continuing this pursuance of wrestling. I do love the hard work. I do love the sore muscles. I do love the stinging bruises and the cut lips. I am madly in love with wrestling.

I couldn't see myself as being a particularly great starving wrestler so I went to West Point, but I find myself somewhat fettered here. I have some thoughts that will remain reserved on the subject, but other than that I felt more free today than I have in years since I came to the academy. Last year at NYAC International Open I felt scared and I left crushed and defeated. This year I actually... had some fun. I lost, probably worse than last year as far as results go. But I had improvement. Oh I felt the improvement, it was like a high. I just kept on feeling it in disbelief.

It was possible to overcome my situation and make progress in wrestling? And all I had done was form one link in a support group. One person made a year's worth of difference in me (and maybe I exaggerate a little but I'm trying to make a point). I need to expand this support chain. It's the only possible solution. I have someone who will support me through thick and thin, now I need a practice partner or something like it. Maybe I just need someone to kick my ass in freestyle once a week.

So much to plan. So many possibilities! I am amazed yet humbled by this. I feel like chiding myself, "See... that wasn't so bad was it? A little bit of hard work and effort actually pays off more than grumbling and cursing the system." But I'm happy to have realized it at all, so I will continue to bask in the joy.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Okay maybe 116.8 lb?

There are bigger things on my mind to keep me awake at 1:30 in the morn'

Mostly it's the doozy this week is turning out to be. Whew! I mean, one grueling swim test tomorrow (joy, not). One CE300 WPR Tuesday morning. Watching the Sosh Run in the afternoon which "Sunny" is doing. Wednesday is a law trip section. Thursday two essays are due. Friday I am going to be starving. Meanwhile every night will be full-up with a hard cardio-filled work-out. Pretty much just drinking water and fruits and light protein between now and Wed. Just water and small carbs on Thursday. And... who knows on Friday?

The bigger things though... they are more emotionally related. I felt, defeated this last Friday. I felt undone like the biggest ceramic piece of art had just fallen off a shelf and exploded in the middle of my room. Shards and shards of pottery everywhere and dust coating everything. Strewn amid the regular crap I usually have on my floor it would have been an utter disaster. That's how I felt about Friday. Pretty much ready to cry from sheer frustration. Tonight I feel like I've been running uphill academically this weekend. I feel like I've reached the crest of a hill only to see more hill in front of that and my lungs just won't work right. I can't catch my breath. I'm intimidated. I'm... weary. I want so badly to pause, not stop but take a breath and a break.

On a side note speaking of runs, I took Sunny on a pretty great run. We ran past the cemetery up a hill up towards Michie Stadium than down and a left down a curvy road that mostly ran along Thayer Road. It was more than a two-mile run for sure and it had up and downhill. Plus I ran much faster than he expected. Which also made me suffer a little... but not too bad. The best part is that I haven't had any pain in my hip or my shins!!! OMG!! Even though my hip is popping like I've been running more. I'd say that this last week I ran... um... eleven miles this week! And lifted like a mad-woman. And drilled three times last week and wrestled live twice!

But alas... there might be matters of the heart that are confusing me. Surely these things deserve the least amount of my attention. They are the 'least-important' things to consider. I shouldn't even give them a sentence. They don't need a metaphor. They are scattered day-dreams. They are sappy love songs in gritty old school rock about cars and the 'heat of the moment' and all that crap. Obviously this has no place in my mind right now. And me being the absolute image of self-control and cool-headedness... well Lord knows that right now I'm completely focused on all the many more 'important' things in my life. My heart has no sway over how I act. I am so much better than that. Sigh... hopefully the thickness of the sarcasm here is palpable enough to be a slap in the face. I am what I am, and who else do I have to confide in when my former confidante would rather drink half a bottle of wine before crashing on her bed?

Sunday, November 8, 2009

121.25 or 112.25???

Okay, so here's the dilemma. I'm training up. This last week I was running, wrestling, and lifting. Of course Wednesday night, Thursday night, Friday night, Saturday night, and Sunday night, were ruined by the Problem Set, the Law paper, and then the 3-day Air Force Academy trip.

Still I'm 123 lb in spite of 4 days off. I'm working out this week and next week. Can I cut down to 112? I can pre-register for $35 or wait and pay an extra $10 to make the decision next week. I think I should try to cut the weight. I ordered new knee pads, new chin-strap for my headgear, and a hair slicker. I have my USA card. Now it's just this last agonizing decision: Which Weight Class??

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Already November is Flying

Truly, there is no other way to describe the way the days are slipping through my fingers: November is flying.

And before I launch into the mundane yet good news, I want to pause and reflect on a couple dreams I had. I had a very happy then saddening dream that a beloved family member asked me who they were and I described them with joy thinking it to be a game. Then I realized this family member did not know me, or recognize me, had in fact forgotten me and I cried. I sobbed. Wonder what that means is on my mind... anyway.

Despite a huge improvement on my part to work during the day, I find myself working through another night here at West Point. The reason? The seventh problem set in my CE300 class. Tomorrow night promises no better since I will be working on my LW310 paper and the afternoon will be interrupted by a Portuguese Oral Presentation. The morning will be interrupted by my taking one of my subordinates to the Thayer bookstore to pick out a journal they will use for reflection since they continue to mess up and I'm afraid the problem is slightly more complicated than simply requiring punishment for correction. Looking into it now. While I care enough to do so, I am also still very busy in particular this week.

On top of all my requirements, I am also hosting a participant of SCUSA. She goes to college in Oregon, her major is International something and Foreign Languages. She's quite nice, and hardly any trouble, and she gets me out of WAMI. (Wed. A.M. Inspection). So she can stay :)

Ah, but no worries. This Friday I will be leaving on Chalk 4 on Mil-Air with my boyfriend headed for USAFA to watch the Army v. Air Force Football Game* (*and other Army competitions because I love Army, noooot because I'm being mandated to go of course - wink).

Had a great talk with my friend H., we acknowledged his quasi-girlfriend doesn't like me and that she probably feels threatened by me and that H. already told her that his friendship with me isn't going to change. So that is going much better now.

Also realized that my roommate has gotten a lot better about her behavior in many ways, and that she will make her own mistakes and learn from them. I'm truly glad she is finally enjoying herself with a boyfriend who makes her happy, however I will not stop being her 'responsible' friend.

Finally, with all these realizations, I have this weekend in Colorado, next week a Wednesday drop in classes, that weekend a home football game, and the weekend after that hopefully a wrestling tournament. The weekend following is... of course: Thanksgiving! This year spent in El Paso.

So November is sliding by so fast I feel the wind whipping my hair. I have also been enjoying my life, this weekend went to IHOP and CrackerBarrel for brunch on Saturday and Sunday. My firstie friend, former sandhurst SL, got Infantry and I realized I won't be back from my semester abroad in time for his graduation which certainly necessitates some quality hang-out time.

I genuinely feel blessed. There is so much good in my life right now, I feel like my life is charmed with room for tweaks of improvement. Good night.