The Cadet Leadership Development System

So oddly enough when you google search "Cadet Leadership Development System joke" no huge flow of jokes, comments, or tirades ensues.  I wonder if this means that I will be in twenty years lauding the system I currently despise.  It's this idea that somehow you're cadet job does more leadership development than the mere interference it runs with your day to day life.  I mean I get it, this is life, right?  Finding inspiration in the mundane.  But this world of west point is like one of those ecoglobes with the shrimp in it, except it's gray, miserable, cold and doesn't need sunshine to survive.

Which is a bit of an overstatement I realize but here is my example.  My job is done, the grade is in.  And I could walk away and forget about it... but I feel like that's not good enough.  It's not that I'm a terrible person who doesn't care and thinks I'm better than everyone... it's that the system here... hell the system of the world can be more than a little frustrating.  I know it's not just this place it's the way of the modern world.  Everything is draped in layers and layers of red tape.

So we had to set up hot chocolate for this event, a bonfire.  And I was also in charge of procuring tools.  Well I found out "how" to get the tools.  I even went out to supervise the procurement of lumber.  I didn't do much when I actually went, I mean all I did was keep the truck running when they took the wood up to the barracks.  Anyway I told everyone who needed anything how to get it, and I suggested what times they should go.  I had already wasted many of my hours meeting up with the folks to arrange for all this stuff, and then the actual getting of the wood and then wasting time going to the motor pool (where we keep vehicles is about a 20 minute drive out) that took up a whole afternoon.  I was pulling quite a few late nights to finish some big writing assignments and doing sandhurst practices too.  So when people who are supposed to be equally responsible as I for their tasks failed, I was the one who caught flak (which means I was chewed out).  After all this my assistant and I took hot chocolate out to the bonfire.  There were no tables at the front office (called CGR - Central Guard Room at WP) and no tables at the bonfire so someone screwed up with the delivery of the tables.  So we were at a loss where to put the hot chocolate.  This person... someone higher than me, said we should put some hot chocolate in the beer tent... which may have worked out but it was after we'd set it up on these benches and bleachers behind the beer tent.  We were in a pretty bad position it's true... but I was trying to get the DJ to announce the hot chocolate but by the time I thought of it and tracked him down he said he'd disconnected everything.  Anyway this higher ranking guy thought we screwed up the hot chocolate operation and mentioned it in his After Action Review... well for one we had way too much hot chocolate, we had enough for 4,000 people to each probably double-fist hot chocolate and most of the campus who were forced to be there left immediately, those who stayed drank beer and mostly hot chocolate doesn't mix with beer now if we'd had mulled wine....  Second of all, by the time families started to wander over for hot chocolate, we had to take it back because the mess hall needed the containers for breakfast the next day.  Anyway, I replied to my cadet level boss if he could please forward my comments to this officer, but if he didn't I'd love to forward them myself.  He won't get it... and that's fine.  Like I said, I'm done with the job... but we get chewed out for not supporting "the Corps" and it's just that I wish we weren't doing something stupid or in a stupid manner, not that I don't want to support.  Well, that's all, I'll get off my soap box now.

Anyway, I guess this weekend during another Army-Navy football game, the 111th, and the like umpteenth loss to Navy... I had another dose of how grumpy and pessimistic yet secretly optimistic I am.  A guy I was setting up a date with for while I was home basically showed he was slutting around, and doesn't realize I find it quite distasteful.  It would be one thing if he was just everywhere, random and social and interesting like a different guy I sort of have a semi-crush on.  But the guy at home... he's a former grad of my fine institution and I already had my reservations but he started to blow me off a little in conjunction with going out and ending up making breakfast for someone else... and well I've been hit with that train before.  So I'm dropping him now.  I might ask him to meet me somewhere in my hometown and I won't show up because he'll deserve it and if he's not an ass he'll ask where I was.  If he is an ass, he'll probably text me a sorry about thirty minutes later than we were scheduled to meet and say he couldn't make it.  The good thing is I'll make sure I'm in a movie with my cousins or at home having tea with my mom or out somewhere quiet.  I would like to get some quiet time this break.  I am definitely guarded now though.  On the drive home from Philadelphia this morning I was in a bad mood.  I don't want to be close to a guy right now, but anyway... I'm digressing.  I've got a lot to do... and my roommate feels like it's necessary to sleep early and she can't stand my desk light anymore... I dunno how she developed a sensitivity to it this last month... but it's kinda annoying.  Whatever... I don't need it tonight at least.  Goodnight all, let me know if you think I'm bitchin' too much... but keep in mind this is sorta an outlet and I can't possibly keep it completely objective or neutral.

Okay maybe 116.8 lb?

There are bigger things on my mind to keep me awake at 1:30 in the morn'

Mostly it's the doozy this week is turning out to be. Whew! I mean, one grueling swim test tomorrow (joy, not). One CE300 WPR Tuesday morning. Watching the Sosh Run in the afternoon which "Sunny" is doing. Wednesday is a law trip section. Thursday two essays are due. Friday I am going to be starving. Meanwhile every night will be full-up with a hard cardio-filled work-out. Pretty much just drinking water and fruits and light protein between now and Wed. Just water and small carbs on Thursday. And... who knows on Friday?

The bigger things though... they are more emotionally related. I felt, defeated this last Friday. I felt undone like the biggest ceramic piece of art had just fallen off a shelf and exploded in the middle of my room. Shards and shards of pottery everywhere and dust coating everything. Strewn amid the regular crap I usually have on my floor it would have been an utter disaster. That's how I felt about Friday. Pretty much ready to cry from sheer frustration. Tonight I feel like I've been running uphill academically this weekend. I feel like I've reached the crest of a hill only to see more hill in front of that and my lungs just won't work right. I can't catch my breath. I'm intimidated. I'm... weary. I want so badly to pause, not stop but take a breath and a break.

On a side note speaking of runs, I took Sunny on a pretty great run. We ran past the cemetery up a hill up towards Michie Stadium than down and a left down a curvy road that mostly ran along Thayer Road. It was more than a two-mile run for sure and it had up and downhill. Plus I ran much faster than he expected. Which also made me suffer a little... but not too bad. The best part is that I haven't had any pain in my hip or my shins!!! OMG!! Even though my hip is popping like I've been running more. I'd say that this last week I ran... um... eleven miles this week! And lifted like a mad-woman. And drilled three times last week and wrestled live twice!

But alas... there might be matters of the heart that are confusing me. Surely these things deserve the least amount of my attention. They are the 'least-important' things to consider. I shouldn't even give them a sentence. They don't need a metaphor. They are scattered day-dreams. They are sappy love songs in gritty old school rock about cars and the 'heat of the moment' and all that crap. Obviously this has no place in my mind right now. And me being the absolute image of self-control and cool-headedness... well Lord knows that right now I'm completely focused on all the many more 'important' things in my life. My heart has no sway over how I act. I am so much better than that. Sigh... hopefully the thickness of the sarcasm here is palpable enough to be a slap in the face. I am what I am, and who else do I have to confide in when my former confidante would rather drink half a bottle of wine before crashing on her bed?

Potentially We Have Potential

Today I re-learned a wrestling move from watching the Div-1 wrestlers for about 20 seconds, wrestled hard live during intramurals against a 140 lb guy, inspired three people to go for a quick upper body lift with me after the wrestling, and went to Salsa Dance Lessons and proceeded to laugh my ass off with a good friend. I also confirmed with my friend in F-1 that I was committed to the women's boxing team I just needed reminders. It doesn't matter how much socially I have to give up I am pursuing this and keeping myself in shape if it's the last thing I do. Hopefully if I don't find wrestling in Portugal I can at the very least find a boxing or kick-boxing gym. I've been thinking ahead how I will stay in shape while I'm abroad. On one hand European meals are longer and healthier, but on the other hand I'll sort of be feeling like I'm 'on holiday' and might overindulge. I may be able to work out less often since I'll be living at a regular college with a city and pubs and stores and people to meet. It might actually cost me money to use gym facilities, another consideration. Just to throw that out there I am thinking about it at least.

Have a meeting scheduled with my Dept. Academic Counselor tomorrow, should be fun really. All the instructors have been meeting with yearlings discussing their 'major' decision. Andy is actually losing a little sleep over it, kind of reminds me when I chose my major how much less I thought about alternative options. I visited the Dirt Dept. briefly but they tried too hard to get me to join their department. I like the instructors and the atmosphere as well as the class content of the law department more. I am also still determined to become fluent in Portuguese and am still bowled over that I'm going to Portugal. I'm certainly excited, although things are moving slowly.

Went to the PX with "Sunny" and bought some new white shirts as well as a multi-vitamin for active young women since the cadet health clinic insists on giving the females pre-natal vitamin pills. It really annoys me. I also got some whey protein for post-weight lifting consumption. I'm working out five days of the week (sometimes I skip a Thursday or Friday but I've been working out on Saturdays too now) and I feel more energy than usual.

Had some quality girl talk last night. My roommate is searching for a boyfriend and unfortunately I think she's looking so hard for a boyfriend she's looking at some guys through rose-colored spectaclels and missing out on casual dating. She's still so upbeat and doing great at academics. A girl down the hall complained she still loves her ex even though he cheated on her and she cheated on him. I shrugged, that girl never acts like she has a boyfriend so I don't see how her life has changed that much. I was surprised how silly some of the conversation was. Most of my two cents made well sense and I think everyone was unsettlingly surprised how pragmatic and practical my advice was. The oldest one there, our neighbor a senior, agreed with me the most and had the most mature point of view. One subject that came up was cheating. Senior AKA Lola (not her real name) had talked to a guy and sort of seen him while he was dating his current girlfriend while she was at semester abroad. He has cheated on his girlfriend more than once. Lola said he said skeazy comments like, "You're all I think about." and his girlfriend is back and Lola said she's not interested in him. Then sophomore down the hall AKA Linn (not real name), says,

"Don't you wish sometimes you could tell the girlfriend like show them the proof and tell them their boyfriend is cheating?"

and Lola replies,

"Yeah, but then she still calls you a slut and bitch for cheating with her boyfriend."

and my roommate retorts hotly,

"Any girl who does that is stupid!"

At which point I break in,

"No, Lola is right.  You [my roomie] damn well remember how it was, if this guy is over the top by saying you're all he thinks about and he sent you flowers you can bet he sounds so sincere to his girlfriend. If she gives a rats ass about him she'll not want to believe and she'll question the motive of the girl telling her the information. She'll wonder if this girl is just trying to get her to break up with her guy unfairly. Unless of course she already completely distrusts her boyfriend. It depends on the nature of the relationship."

Linn disagreed saying she'd believed a girl. I wanted to say Linn had no concept of fidelity, but managed to keep my mouth shut on that. My roomie sort of understood but not fully. Lola really got it though. And I got her. Even though we'd been the exact opposite roles in that situation with different people I realized I didn't like her any less, I did however find the guy weak and quite the P.O.S. Anyway didn't realize I could have so much fun or offer so much to the conversation.

As far as my own relationship status, true I have a boyfriend, but it's just seeing where it goes. We both have our own goals to pursue. I have boxing and wrestling and academics and lifting weights. I also have a semester abroad. I have salsa dancing and EST (shooting if possible). He has sprint football and academics and big decisions upon him plus one of the hardest academic years to face. He's on top of his game and so far so am I. I have two A's in classes. Soon to be three! At least I'm that optimistic. It's time for sleep or all my self-prophecies will be false for sure. Night.

Bad Second Week

Okay so I did an evalutation of the week because I was feeling both like I've been lazy and like I'm ineffectual and inadequate again. However, a look at the week shows otherwise:

Monday: I started the week great with an awesome lower body lift and a 3-mile run
Tuesday: I gave blood today, but still did a boxing practice and bled through my arm bandage... which made me feel pretty badass
Wednesday: I started to feel shitty today... I was fatigued (slept through one of my classes) and uncomfortable and I blamed the fact that I gave blood. I still did the IOCT once, wrestling practice, and boxing practice (although that was cut short because of some jerk-off of a clerk)
Thursday: I felt a lot of fatigue today... but identified it finally and called the cadet health clinic to make an appointment. I don't think I caught the swine flu, but it's definitely a bug of some sort. They're supposed to give me antibiotics. I slept after class and went to bed early.

Today.. the plan is to do an upper body lift and go to an open gym for wrestling. This plan includes imbibing an energy drink roughly 55 minutes before practice. Although I feel bad that my work-outs weren't amazing this week, looking back I still did them. The only day I really blew off was Thursday and like I've realized that was totally justified.

Academically, I'm actually concerned that I might like CE300, my civil engineering class. While it's true that I don't have a laughably easy schedule like my roommate or systems engineering... I never wanted to completely sacrifice math and science so this suits me well. I also am starting to do better in my law classes. I felt so weird readjusting from only three weeks in Cape Verde, but it made more of an impact than I thought it would. It really was life-changing.

Militarily... I can't tell yet. I have yet to get my initial counseling forms signed by two of my three subordinates, but I had a squad meeting yesterday and told them to get on the ball. Unfortunately this meeting was in front of my roommate who apparently all the plebes "love" -- this is according to her. I hate to sound jealous, but she sounds so smug sometimes. She sounds so professional asking the plebers for foreign affairs articles. She cites their knowledge book like it's nobody's business. She balances being sappily sweet to them with screeching at them when they screw up duties.

Okay so she was also Beast cadre meaning her job was to yell at new cadets and to know their knowledge book and to enforce the standard for 4 solid weeks.

I can't help but feel the same way now that I did as a plebe. I felt like some of the hazing was stupid when I was a plebe. I still feel that way as an upperclass. I understand the pertinence of some of it, and I'm glad they are expected to know basic arms knowledge and foreign affairs are important... but I can't survive without some level of ridiculousness. I'm glad I have lunch at a table with three different people. I almost feel like I see too much of my roomie. I feel like if I open my mouth I am competing with her. I really don't care about half the stuff we expect plebes to know. I mean if they have a funny article I'd be twice as satisfied as opposed to a serious but boring foreign affairs article that means relatively little to me. I am having trouble finding my way... my leadership style.

I find it frustrating when my roomie says things like, "I'm a good leader... I mean look I got a military A this summer!" Why care about the grade? I mean I'm glad she got it, but why flaunt it? I mean... so what I got an A-? Does that mean I'm sub-par? Does it mean I had a harder detail? Does it really mean anything? In my opinion it equals shit insofar as your leadership capability. I've talked to kids on both sides of the spectrum. There have been POS's who weren't worth a damn thing who got A's and there have been competent and good people who get C's from a lazy superior.

And I'm venting because I care about my performance. I may not be a super-hooah... but I don't want to be a total shit-bag. I hope I can find some motivation in having a squad. A squad of six people... it's such a joke. I barely see them. Well that's just another challenge. And I like challenges. This weekend if I work out, do my homework and have a short squad meeting on Sunday to get face time and so that they keep doing the right thing... then I will be able to make it through the next week. And then the process will start again, setting goals, having great days, followed by shitty days, and peppered with so-so days that are just distracting. It's a never-ending process. Hello world.

Pushing Through

Today I managed another work-out inspite of feeling not so motivated. It was still mostly a great day. Not perfect. Not charmed. I made it great anyway. I finally got my excel file put together for my wrestling train-up. It's damn good. My lower body work-out today was focused and unique. No one else was doing lower-body. Why focus on the upper body? It's in my work-out plan, but I am trying to get that lower body to work. I did a heavier lift today with lower reps. Then after a twenty-minute rest, I went for a run with my roomie. She pushed me at the beginning when I would have taken the run slower. I pushed her midway and at the end. We will be great work-out partners if we can get over the awkwardness that we're at different levels. It doesn't matter, because we push each other and like each other an awful lot. We're practically best friends. So another 3-mile run this time on top of my lower body work-out. I think if SFC Bright sees that in a weekly report he will be satisfied. I also inquired about the September 27th 5k that our company did last year and looked up all the logistics.

Tomorrow night I have banned all boys from my room and I am doing my problem set #1 from Civil Engineering in the library. In academics I realized that I need to practice presenting ideas to a classroom both for law and for leadership. So I started to make audio recordings of myself. I sort of sound like a talkshow radio host. By the end of my third try I had much more coherent thoughts. It was great to hear myself, because I could pick out some things I was saying that made no sense from a listeners point of view that is to say without the simultaneous thought that accompanied such spoken sentences. Then I started to record myself singing for fun. It was a great way to pass an hour and I actually studied because I was recording myself both reading about Marbury v. Madison and presenting my opinion on the electoral college v. absolute popular vote.

My writing skills have been greatly honed by journaling mostly and my ability to take my thoughts to a screen by blogging and typing memoirs. My speaking skills have suffered because I've been spending the last two years of West Point listening to others. I am talking more now, and I am willing to talk again, but I need to break free of the imaginary duct tape I seem to have affixed to my lips. I think the exercise I've designed will do great things for me. Onward to tomorrow!

Late Night Quick Quip

Just felt like a quick update.

329 on the APFT, supermaxed it! 51 push-ups, 85 sit-ups, and a 14:15 2-mile run. I believe this is my best score on the APFT, although only by a couple of points. It still is some of my best performaces across the board. The best (or worst) part is that I felt like I could have done better if I'd been working on the events leading up to the APFT. I heard if we had been doing more speedwork on sandhurst we could have shaved like 20 seconds off our 2-mile run, and I know if I'd worked on my push-ups I could have done more. I guess that's why I feel good, because this is my best performance and I feel like I have more in me. Next year... I am aiming for a 340.

Also... no more D's in classes!!! All C's, B's, or A-. And after this next Physics WPR, and Portuguese WOPR, hopefully two solid A's. I am bringing myself back up. I am getting back on the horse. And other good things are happening too! My roommate passed the APFT with a 276 which to me is an AMAZING "IN YOUR FACE" to all the people who recommended to separate her. If anything I have more faith in my roomie who persisted in spite of meanness and despite not having the support of classmates who are apparently too myopic to look down their stuck-up noses to help her. No one can ever tell me that she can't perform under pressure, I've seen her keep her cool in the History Department (they are so strict) and has a 3.5 in spite of physical grades that keep her from possible 3.9 and 4.0 Even though her element is in the academic realm, she has such a gift with people, that I think she would be a valuable asset to the Army. I will be extremely pissed off if she were to be gone, because additionally, who would I room with? It wouldn't be the same, she is my confidante and practically my sister soldier.

I need to finish strong, I want to, I love the comradery of the company and the team, I didn't shoot as well as I could have today, but that's okay I just need to concentrate and probably adjust my sling and maybe a couple more clicks left. Nice thing we have another range tomorrow. I am still nervous about the competition, in a way that makes me feel like I have a bowling ball in my stomach, but I cannot be distracted, because there is on April 17th and 18th, the I.R. paper due, the Physics WPR II, and Sandhurst. Combined, they will be a monster to deal with. I am preparing for the attack now, even if only mentally for the time being. We're past the hump of the week now! Less than three weeks until Sandhurst!! It's overtime so to speak now. Wish me luck all!