MOOTW - Why Modular Units Excite Me

In the Army the overhaul of the organization of units from the old style of armies and divisions is exciting because it acknowledges the assymmetrical nature of modern warfare.  In fact the Army is seems to be constantly engaged in MOOTW:  often small-conflict and sustainment operations.  I just learned today how the Army is moving away from labeling the Front Line and instead referring to a 'Non-Contiguous Battlefield'.  The fact that support and maneuver units are more closely resembling each other in risk is also indicative of the whole Army approaching the moment when gender barriers can be lowered and eventually -hopefully - dropped.  On top of being the absolute right thing to do, the new structure is part of improving the entire organization.  Loosening the restrictions on what positions women may have serves to expand our society's ideas of gender roles in a way which allows both male and female employees to be more productive.  Diverse organizations are more successful organizations.  Success is more and more dependent on drive and innovation than gender.

Second, I was not the only little girl who loved G.I. Jane.  I am not the only motivated young woman in the Army.  And I'm certainly not the most qualified when I think of the high-speed I know who have been to SAPPER or who express an interest in EOD.  The problem is it really takes the wind out of your sails if you know you don't have to try as hard because you aren't allowed to pursue all the different avenues of advancement in the Army.  And on top of that, RANGER school is a Leadership School.  A leadership school, and why do guys go?  Is it because it's an all-male environment?  Is it because men love that sort of thing?  No, it's because they want the challenge.  Well, some women want that challenge too.  A friend told me that people are afraid standards will drop because of false charges of sexism.  They should be afraid at all times that standards will drop for all sorts of reasons, whether based on gender or the national level of fitness.  Obesity is a real and rising problem in the United States, but you can change your level of fitness through training.  You can't change your gender no matter how many pushups you do.

Benazir Bhutto

Experts on Middle Eastern studies would consider this a narrow entry, barely scratching the surface of the complex topic that is political history in Pakistan, but I must address part of the story of Benazir Bhutto.  Many countries in the world have had women PMs or Presidents or Chancellors, but not the United States.

Anyway, Benazir Bhutto has a convoluted and interesting history.  This woman was prime minister in Pakistan twice, and head of the Pakistan People's Party (PPP), besides holding other positions in government.  Her father, who founded the PPP, was a former prime minister in Pakistan but he was executed in 1979 after a military coup.

Thus she was outside of Pakistan when she became chairwoman of the PPP, and after returning to Pakistan won her first term as prime minister.  Now whether good or bad, she was removed on charges of corruption after serving only 20 months.  She was the prime minister again from 1993-1996 and was removed again on similar charges.  She was assassinated when she returned to Pakistan after a self-imposed exile to Dubai.  Her assassination was in the city of Rawalpindi in December 2007.  Her husband, Asif Ali Zardari, is the current President of Pakistan.

There are many women leaders in today's world, from the first woman Prime Minister of Australia Julia Gillard to the current Presidente of Brasil, Dilma Rousseff.  I hope I have shed some light on this one woman who, regardless of her performance, good or bad, reflected on the progress of women in their ability to hold positions of power in the modern world.

Fired Up: The Lonely Soldier

The Lonely Soldier
In The Lonely Soldier, Benedict tells the stories of five women who fought in Iraq between 2003 and 2006.
 
This is a great novel, in addition to a book like this there is a need for another "War Novel," based on non fiction that demonstrates a single woman's perspective or continuous perspective of women in a unit that has seen combat.
The reason I was spurred into action was an article that popped up on Twitter from a magazine called On the Issues.  While I was a Cadet at West Point we had a Book Club for books on leadership in combat and under stress. While the books were those like "Black Hearts" or "War" by Sebastian Junger or "Matterhorn" none of them had a woman officer or NCO I could relate to. All of them made me feel frustrated and inadequate for being a woman and not being able to be the embodiment of what the Army considers the best of the best or the absolute: Infantry.

I own Lonely Soldiers and I asked the Commandant if we could read something like that in the book club as well and his response was politely that he didn't think that book or any other existing book written by a woman or featuring women fit the description he was looking for in a "leadership" book. He said they were too much like "memoirs."
Yes, I thought a war story told from the perspective of those in a unit was sort of like a memoir also... but now I want to know what book could be recommended and how can we get the whole Corps to read it, to understand that women leaders are an important part of today's Army?

Quick Update for the Beginning of April

This week I am a little rushed as I add the conclusion to my trip to San Remo, Italy as I left that hanging in my last entry.

The current tempo makes me feel like the 47-month experience has been a long swim.  Sometimes I've been struggling under the surface, sometimes just going with the flow, and now graduation is like some waterfall looming ahead. I'm being pulled along faster and inevitably towards that ultimate end of my time as a cadet.

I have not been having moments of self doubt about my decision to come here, but about my preparation.  And then there are moments where I am acutely aware of the burden about to be placed on my shoulders.  Sometimes I feel like I'm taking a heavy weight on my chest, and other times I feel twinges of the same enthusiastic excitement that gripped me when I first received acceptance into this academy.  I had an early notice of acceptance, and maybe that made me think a little less on my decision, but I am here now and I am sure that I can have a positive impact on my Army.  And that is something that some very smart men and women I have met have told me, and that is their belief that my unique perspective will do good for the Army. The Army needs intelligent Officers in every branch, and the junior officer is the level of Officer closest to the Soldiers that make up the greater warfighting organization.  The junior officer is important because to do your duty at that level means little credit but great impact, and while you may never have to exert the power associated with your role if your senior Noncommissioned Officers are doing their jobs, it is your duty as a junior officer to be ready for your Soldiers and for the Army and for your country.  Doing the right thing is in the end better for everyone, even if difficult and even if it threatens your own existence.

At any rate, I have thought on my decision since arrival and concluded this is where I belong right now.  I've faced many challenges, and events and things which have changed my point of view many times.  And that is where the self doubt has crept into my life, and not for long either, but I simply questioned how I have evaluated people in the past.  It's natural to have some predisposition towards people, but I had tried to neatly categorize them in my mind and this trip to San Remo, Italy made me question myself and my methods.  There were moments where I wondered if I was in fact projecting onto others judgments I actually felt about myself.

In the end, it is impossible for me to perfectly assess everyone in my life.  I can no sooner see what is going on in someone else's head than they can see into mine.  Our thoughts are fluid things anyway, and what our minds process to be true can be turned upside down in an instant.  So, confident that I can never be entirely confident, I continue the journey.

The System Works for You

The system rewards strange behavior.  And I don't think this particular system was built well.

The Cadet Observation Report (COR) at our fine institution is an electronic method to inform the offending party's supervisor that they have screwed up one way or another.  However, this digital COR also goes to the 'head honcho' of our company and it's not a very "office-friendly" policy to report a lowly peon for small stuff.  It also sounds 1984-esque where neighbor turns neighbor in.

Now the argument placed before me by this system's proponents is that the purpose is to alert the offender's supervisor and chain of command so that they can take appropriate action, and that to avoid using the system is to invalidate it.

Granted offenses shouldn't be hidden by supervisors to avoid trouble from higher echelons, but giving proper ownership of subordinates to their supervisors instead of writing a COR that goes into the system and is permanently attached to a cadet's record without at least going through a polite process of informing that cadet's chain of command and giving them first rights to deal with the situation.  If these people who write CORs at least informed leadership of their intention, they would do wonders for their appearance. 

Additionally, the COR only reinforces to the bitter cadet that the system is working against them because these things are often written one-sidedly and - as we learned yesterday - writing a retaliatory COR is a terrible idea.  But since this cadet wrote that emotional "counter" COR the original writer of the electronic disciplinary method ended up being slightly criticized.  Now the original writer is defending their actions, and acting as though many of us in this company don't want justice or support the system.  Au contraire... it's only a more effective system when we work together to develop a trouble-making cadet as opposed to shooting what is essentially an electronic slap on the wrist at least without confronting the cadet in a more calm setting, because now this offending cadet will probably be even less inclined to comply with future orders as opposed to if he had been approached in the evening by his supervisor or with his chain of command.

We can only move forward from this event, but maybe the electronic Cadet Observation Report should be gotten rid of altogether, or the actions that can be recorded in a COR - since it stays on your record all four years here - should be limited in nature.  Or the COR record should be wiped clean every year at the discretion of the leadership.  I will never like this method of leadership at any rate.  It seems indirect and less effective in many ways.

All Quiet on the Western Front vs War

Here I am reading something with cultural value again!  I feel relieved I can still appreciate a good novel, currently I'm almost done with All Quiet on the Western Front and feel like a very interesting literature analysis could be done with comparison to all the myths about women in the Infantry.  I recently scratched together some interesting theories, but had to take a break from the computer to cure some classic burn-out.  I will have to be very careful of that in my career, it is quite frequent I hear.  I came up with some interesting ideas though in conversation and while reading and I couldn't help but think of my recent reading of Sebastian Junger's book, War.

So on women in the Infantry.  And yes I mean combat units in general, but I prefer to focus on the Infantry because that's the classic case.  What are the differences between men and women?  We are built differently that is certainly true, down to our structural design there are huge differences.  A couples examples: men have quicker reflexes, and women have a keener sense of smell.  Culturally, there are different expectations of us.  I believe a big part of it is the natural role of motherhood, and I only mean in the scientific sense of furthering a species to avoid much larger arguments.  Women who are able, can get pregnant in a limited portion of their lives and when they are pregnant face at least a few months of vulnerability.  In the past there were less chances of a successful birth and there were higher birth rates in many modern developed countries.   Thus, a life devoted to bearing and raising children was noble and expected and in truth bettered society.  Protecting your women was protecting a valuable resource.  This extends to protecting women and children.

However, with modern medicine, more women choose to and can put off bearing children.  These women have proven in athletic and corporate fields that with more freedom they can prove prowess outside of the domestic realm.  When not vulnerable in pregnancy, women are just as competent in many fields once reserved to men.  In intellectual fields I don't see any impairment from any stage of pregnancy, in jobs that require physical work, it has been proven that maintaining physical fitness in the early stages of pregnancy is actually better than previously believed, but there comes a stage and time when one must decrease rough physical activity.  And having never had a child, I admit I am in no way qualified to speak for any of these statements, only what I gather from sweeping and light research.

However, how this all goes back to my argument for women in combat, is that old concerns with child-bearing age and child-birth limited women in some ways, and any inspection of just a half century ago reveals instructions regarding and directed to women that are in so many ways laughable today.  Women are fast increasing the athletic levels at which they perform just check this out --> http://hilite.org/archives/1282 and I think this only goes to further my point.  While I am a little skeptical of smaller-framed, generally having higher body fat percentage women outperforming men, I do believe the differences in our muscular build are insignificant in the field.  Perhaps this would only hold true for a lesser percentage of women, but some nonetheless.  So if we instituted appropriate physical requirements for branches and held both men and women to that standard, we could easily counter the ever-present concern that women are not physically as qualified for combat.

In regard to social and psychological the argument is thicker but it is here that I feel even more strongly.  This is where I think it would be useful for someone to run a literature analysis on All Quiet on the Western Front or another WWI or WWII novel.  Anything that describes harrowing war.  I have been thinking hard in each scene about whether a woman could handle this.  All this talk today about the "nature of war" being the same as it was in the past.  I read some gory lines about men running on the stumps of legs or the constant shelling and the trench warfare launching attacks and counterattacks.  I compare this to recently having read War by Sebastian Junger, and I feel like our war is much less intense and much less maddening than that war.  And this is a good thing, isn't it?  How can a man tell me the nature of war is still the same?  When I look at these two books I feel like that is impossible.  And how can a man tell me I could not handle this based merely on the fact that I am a woman?  There is many a man in All Quiet on the Western Front who fails mid-battle.  Many a recruit that freezes up and dies.  Who is to say that would be any worse for a woman if women weren't confined to the medical professions during that war?  And it is not as though those women didn't see their share of macabre and gruesome.  It is interesting in Chapter Ten the main character, Paul Bäumer, is embarrassed to ask a young nurse where to go to take a piss, because she is young and crisp and clean and „wonderful and sweet“.  But a little while later they all get over their embarrassment and are clear with both functions with this nurse.  Was there a catastrophe?  Was anyone raped?  No.  These professionals dealt with it accordingly and the woman was hardly flustered with these so called private and embarrassing functions.

A man once told me that it would be difficult for a man such as himself to be in what was described to me as a few day long observation patrol with a woman because the men must take all their waste with them and he insinuated that included crapping in a bag and having to hold the bag for a buddy.  I nodded but didn't really understand.  If a nurse might have to do that in a field hospital, or a mother has changed the diaper of a baby, what woman can't handle the sight or sound of shit?  And then this man went further to say that women sometimes had that - you know - problem?  He was referring to menstruation.  Oh dear, well I explained to him that was only a little extra trash... but he was highly uncomfortable with the idea.  Why should women be barred from positions because he has the opposite gender on a pedestal?  Just make some distinctions buddy.  There is your wife, and you can believe whatever you like about her that she doesn't so much as fart.  And there is the man or woman you work with.  In war there will be things that pass that would be shameful in peacetime society, but there remains professionalism and there remains the profession of Soldiers:  that is to win our nation's wars.

I have so much more to say on the subject, but this has been gnawing at me for some time and I needed to at least begin to try to explain myself.

The Cadet Leadership Development System

So oddly enough when you google search "Cadet Leadership Development System joke" no huge flow of jokes, comments, or tirades ensues.  I wonder if this means that I will be in twenty years lauding the system I currently despise.  It's this idea that somehow you're cadet job does more leadership development than the mere interference it runs with your day to day life.  I mean I get it, this is life, right?  Finding inspiration in the mundane.  But this world of west point is like one of those ecoglobes with the shrimp in it, except it's gray, miserable, cold and doesn't need sunshine to survive.

Which is a bit of an overstatement I realize but here is my example.  My job is done, the grade is in.  And I could walk away and forget about it... but I feel like that's not good enough.  It's not that I'm a terrible person who doesn't care and thinks I'm better than everyone... it's that the system here... hell the system of the world can be more than a little frustrating.  I know it's not just this place it's the way of the modern world.  Everything is draped in layers and layers of red tape.

So we had to set up hot chocolate for this event, a bonfire.  And I was also in charge of procuring tools.  Well I found out "how" to get the tools.  I even went out to supervise the procurement of lumber.  I didn't do much when I actually went, I mean all I did was keep the truck running when they took the wood up to the barracks.  Anyway I told everyone who needed anything how to get it, and I suggested what times they should go.  I had already wasted many of my hours meeting up with the folks to arrange for all this stuff, and then the actual getting of the wood and then wasting time going to the motor pool (where we keep vehicles is about a 20 minute drive out) that took up a whole afternoon.  I was pulling quite a few late nights to finish some big writing assignments and doing sandhurst practices too.  So when people who are supposed to be equally responsible as I for their tasks failed, I was the one who caught flak (which means I was chewed out).  After all this my assistant and I took hot chocolate out to the bonfire.  There were no tables at the front office (called CGR - Central Guard Room at WP) and no tables at the bonfire so someone screwed up with the delivery of the tables.  So we were at a loss where to put the hot chocolate.  This person... someone higher than me, said we should put some hot chocolate in the beer tent... which may have worked out but it was after we'd set it up on these benches and bleachers behind the beer tent.  We were in a pretty bad position it's true... but I was trying to get the DJ to announce the hot chocolate but by the time I thought of it and tracked him down he said he'd disconnected everything.  Anyway this higher ranking guy thought we screwed up the hot chocolate operation and mentioned it in his After Action Review... well for one we had way too much hot chocolate, we had enough for 4,000 people to each probably double-fist hot chocolate and most of the campus who were forced to be there left immediately, those who stayed drank beer and mostly hot chocolate doesn't mix with beer now if we'd had mulled wine....  Second of all, by the time families started to wander over for hot chocolate, we had to take it back because the mess hall needed the containers for breakfast the next day.  Anyway, I replied to my cadet level boss if he could please forward my comments to this officer, but if he didn't I'd love to forward them myself.  He won't get it... and that's fine.  Like I said, I'm done with the job... but we get chewed out for not supporting "the Corps" and it's just that I wish we weren't doing something stupid or in a stupid manner, not that I don't want to support.  Well, that's all, I'll get off my soap box now.

Anyway, I guess this weekend during another Army-Navy football game, the 111th, and the like umpteenth loss to Navy... I had another dose of how grumpy and pessimistic yet secretly optimistic I am.  A guy I was setting up a date with for while I was home basically showed he was slutting around, and doesn't realize I find it quite distasteful.  It would be one thing if he was just everywhere, random and social and interesting like a different guy I sort of have a semi-crush on.  But the guy at home... he's a former grad of my fine institution and I already had my reservations but he started to blow me off a little in conjunction with going out and ending up making breakfast for someone else... and well I've been hit with that train before.  So I'm dropping him now.  I might ask him to meet me somewhere in my hometown and I won't show up because he'll deserve it and if he's not an ass he'll ask where I was.  If he is an ass, he'll probably text me a sorry about thirty minutes later than we were scheduled to meet and say he couldn't make it.  The good thing is I'll make sure I'm in a movie with my cousins or at home having tea with my mom or out somewhere quiet.  I would like to get some quiet time this break.  I am definitely guarded now though.  On the drive home from Philadelphia this morning I was in a bad mood.  I don't want to be close to a guy right now, but anyway... I'm digressing.  I've got a lot to do... and my roommate feels like it's necessary to sleep early and she can't stand my desk light anymore... I dunno how she developed a sensitivity to it this last month... but it's kinda annoying.  Whatever... I don't need it tonight at least.  Goodnight all, let me know if you think I'm bitchin' too much... but keep in mind this is sorta an outlet and I can't possibly keep it completely objective or neutral.

An Epiphamatic Day!

So I had a lot of input and an upswing of mood today... yesterday had I lifted my weary head from my pillow I would have written a terribly depressing blog... today I have recaptured motivation!  And I didn't even bring up women's rights.

Was reading a book on the Iran-Contra Affair... and yes that isn't exactly riveting... but I stumbled on this paragraph in the preface (which shows you also where I am so I need to wrap this up quickly):

"As a result, I have been forced to rethink my achievements and mistakes.  Did I try to accomplish too much?  Was I excessive?  Was I obsessive?  Were my objective frustrated by... my own errors?  Despite many defeats, did I ultimately win?  And if I won, was it the war I thought I was fighting or one quite different?  Will the effort, however evaluated, deter future comparable misconduct?"

Sure this was the investigator of something huge of which there are literally tomes... but these questions are the questions of anyone who takes on a humongous task.  One so large it literally has to be largely out of your hands for real change to be effected.

Today I had a good talk with my mentor.  So maybe gonna try to repair a burnt bridge... but I am not holding my breath for the best outcome.  It's just it's better to end things on better terms and walk away with a clean slate.

He also articulated some things that had been bothering me for a while... and some arguments that my rather dim-witted boss (one of them... and jeez if he recognizes himself --which I doubt he will-- will I get shit for this.  But just to save myself in case he does... if you think this is you, than you're much too clever to be the man I'm referring to.  Got it?) proffered.  But when my sorta boss gave me the argument for leadership at West Point, it was delivered so crudely I bristled at it.  I was cynical and critical in my opinion of "leadership positions" at the Academy.  I haven't entirely seen the light... nor do I think this new and more eloquent advice addresses all things I am disgruntled with... but here's the theory:

Leadership, especially in the Army but anywhere, is about helping others become who they wish they could be.  Obviously this means healthy wishes... and not everyone knows what is the best thing for them... but it's a free will for a reason.  I think humanity as a whole consistently having members perform in deplorable ways, is proof enough that free will has some nasty sides to it.  But that's besides the point.  Given the fact that most ordinary people don't want more than to improve their situation in life it makes sense that as a leader it would be beneficial to help that person find their niche and if you could help it would make you a good leader to help.

The second part of that was the subtlety of peer and leader leadership.  No that's not a typo, sometimes you have to lead your leader.  And he emphasized the difficulty of that and gave me some examples of achieving that as well.  Much better than a crude insulting comment that I received elsewhere that may have vaguely behind it held the same intent.  And even that I somewhat doubt.  It's times like this I appreciate the lessons I received from my father, who was an excellent leadership example.  Many of the lessons West Point has taught me had been gone over by my father in the formative years before I was at the academy.  And anyone can doubt this, but talking about subtle leadership, taking a stand, maintaining the important standards, and identifying the "informal vs formal" leaders are all things my dad talked to me about even when I was 13 or 14 years old.  And yes I suppose you could argue that's not too long ago, any sarcastic readers out there.

A 1500 word paper awaits, so that's all for now, but I am refreshed and rejuvenated and ready for battle!

Bad Second Week

Okay so I did an evalutation of the week because I was feeling both like I've been lazy and like I'm ineffectual and inadequate again. However, a look at the week shows otherwise:

Monday: I started the week great with an awesome lower body lift and a 3-mile run
Tuesday: I gave blood today, but still did a boxing practice and bled through my arm bandage... which made me feel pretty badass
Wednesday: I started to feel shitty today... I was fatigued (slept through one of my classes) and uncomfortable and I blamed the fact that I gave blood. I still did the IOCT once, wrestling practice, and boxing practice (although that was cut short because of some jerk-off of a clerk)
Thursday: I felt a lot of fatigue today... but identified it finally and called the cadet health clinic to make an appointment. I don't think I caught the swine flu, but it's definitely a bug of some sort. They're supposed to give me antibiotics. I slept after class and went to bed early.

Today.. the plan is to do an upper body lift and go to an open gym for wrestling. This plan includes imbibing an energy drink roughly 55 minutes before practice. Although I feel bad that my work-outs weren't amazing this week, looking back I still did them. The only day I really blew off was Thursday and like I've realized that was totally justified.

Academically, I'm actually concerned that I might like CE300, my civil engineering class. While it's true that I don't have a laughably easy schedule like my roommate or systems engineering... I never wanted to completely sacrifice math and science so this suits me well. I also am starting to do better in my law classes. I felt so weird readjusting from only three weeks in Cape Verde, but it made more of an impact than I thought it would. It really was life-changing.

Militarily... I can't tell yet. I have yet to get my initial counseling forms signed by two of my three subordinates, but I had a squad meeting yesterday and told them to get on the ball. Unfortunately this meeting was in front of my roommate who apparently all the plebes "love" -- this is according to her. I hate to sound jealous, but she sounds so smug sometimes. She sounds so professional asking the plebers for foreign affairs articles. She cites their knowledge book like it's nobody's business. She balances being sappily sweet to them with screeching at them when they screw up duties.

Okay so she was also Beast cadre meaning her job was to yell at new cadets and to know their knowledge book and to enforce the standard for 4 solid weeks.

I can't help but feel the same way now that I did as a plebe. I felt like some of the hazing was stupid when I was a plebe. I still feel that way as an upperclass. I understand the pertinence of some of it, and I'm glad they are expected to know basic arms knowledge and foreign affairs are important... but I can't survive without some level of ridiculousness. I'm glad I have lunch at a table with three different people. I almost feel like I see too much of my roomie. I feel like if I open my mouth I am competing with her. I really don't care about half the stuff we expect plebes to know. I mean if they have a funny article I'd be twice as satisfied as opposed to a serious but boring foreign affairs article that means relatively little to me. I am having trouble finding my way... my leadership style.

I find it frustrating when my roomie says things like, "I'm a good leader... I mean look I got a military A this summer!" Why care about the grade? I mean I'm glad she got it, but why flaunt it? I mean... so what I got an A-? Does that mean I'm sub-par? Does it mean I had a harder detail? Does it really mean anything? In my opinion it equals shit insofar as your leadership capability. I've talked to kids on both sides of the spectrum. There have been POS's who weren't worth a damn thing who got A's and there have been competent and good people who get C's from a lazy superior.

And I'm venting because I care about my performance. I may not be a super-hooah... but I don't want to be a total shit-bag. I hope I can find some motivation in having a squad. A squad of six people... it's such a joke. I barely see them. Well that's just another challenge. And I like challenges. This weekend if I work out, do my homework and have a short squad meeting on Sunday to get face time and so that they keep doing the right thing... then I will be able to make it through the next week. And then the process will start again, setting goals, having great days, followed by shitty days, and peppered with so-so days that are just distracting. It's a never-ending process. Hello world.

Going Slow

I've been dragging my feet a little on all my tasks and my to-do list. As the saying goes, if it weren't for the last minute I wouldn't get anything done. I was talking to my mentor and he told me it's normal to feel burnt out.

I'm supposed to be figuring out who I am this summer. I need a more permanent journal right now I'm sort of just wandering in and out of all of my mediums of expression. I have several notebooks going it's getting difficult for me to organize my thoughts much less all my documents and deadlines. I have to box so much of my stuff still and I don't even have tape to do it with.

I don't have a bad feeling though. After that talk yesterday I actually feel much better rested than I have been. I also have a slightly better idea of how I am going about with my development of self in the leadership category.

My mentor told me that I need to realize that a good leader knows to separate what's personal from what's the leadership. He also told me there are three different types of leadership. Leading your subordinates, leading your peers, and leading those above you. The most important part is that when you are making improvements you are imagining how the system could be bettered, or where it failed, that can make the improvement. You are critiquing the system in order to fix problems. You don't take it personal if someone disrespects you or your position, but you address it and fix it, because the system needs respect to work. If you take it personal you will either collapse and let the disrespect occur or you will overreact. Hence, you separate your personal feelings from leadership. I hope I am explaining what he told me in a coherent fashion, because it not only made sense to me but it motivated me and helped me sort out my feelings about past bad leadership experiences.

Additionally, he told me that gradeswise I probably faced my worst semester. I earned it, so I'm going to say it, my GPA is a 2.955

There it is. It's not a 4.0 or even an even 3.0 right now, though if you rounded it you'd get the latter. However, this was not due to heavy hours or mind-bogglingly difficult work. It was stress and being burnt out and disinterested. This is going to change for many reasons. However, my mentor told me that I displayed qualities and that I obviously expected a lot from myself. He told me he perceived that I wouldn't be happy if I just skated by, under the radar, doing the minimum. He also said that I would want to go to grad school, that education was important and this was probably passed to me unbeknownst to myself from the female lineage of my family.

Whether his perceptions were all accurate or not I don't know, but I listened and appreciated them. They got me to thinking and definitely stirred me from my stupor. That always seems to happen and I'm happy for it, whenever I'm starting to drift off the trail, someone always comes around to get me back on the straight and narrow. I appreciate it, because I don't think I could make it in the wilderness without turning bitter. I want to be working towards something. I want to be successful, but I want to be human. I want to maintain my wandering, and excitable personality. In excess it may be bad, but I'm learning from interacting with other people that these qualities can actually be sought after by less exuberant or passionate people. People who might have the skills and the standards, but who long to be more outgoing. Surprised? I am. But I'm happy to share these qualities with people, and even happier to maybe pick up some tips from my more even-tempered friends.

Bad Day Sorta Not Really Frustrated Though

You cannot possibly fathom the hundreds of thousands of tiny minute details that just emphasize to me that I am female and thus different from roughly 84% of my classmates.

I have no particular gift for intelligent writing. I am not the classical writer adding to scholarly journals with my in depth review of the theory of some old and more than likely white male and the information gathered by some old and more than likely white male from a group of decrepit, old, wrinkly old men and women bound by a patriarchal society. A society I am living and surviving in but find myself occasionally frustrated and bound in such a way as to make me want to scream and be considered an oddity and outsider because it would free me from the constraints that society binds us with. If you read Wicked you can see this very clearly. I couldn't get into the next two books or even the end of the first, but the middle portion when Elphalba is in the city and going to college... I can totally and completely relate to that.

I can summarize succinctly but vaguely to you reader my frustration with this one interaction with someone I deeply admire,

"Hey SL did you get my email about lunch Tuesday?"
"Oh yeah, I did, but I sort of didn't read it yet."

Thanks. Thanks a hell of a whole lot. You read that ridiculous email from Baumer. You replied to it. Hell everyone replies to the men on the team, but noone even replies all to the women. Do you just automatically delete or ignore the email if it comes from someone without a Y chromosome!? Seriously what the hell is going through your thick skulls, all of you men, when you know a girl is on a distro?

...

[After a Shower and some time to cool off]

So... I am still frustrated. Not to the point of wanting to scream, but at my lack of communication. I can only connect to one person at one time with one rant. The only people who listen to me rant are inevitably the folks "in the choir". And when I did get on my soap box in the hall and vent loud enough to get a group of guys in discussion with me about it... all they did was immediately jump to the question of whether or not I am a feminist. The final decision must've been a tie. SL and the Phantom both voted that I was not a feminist. "Mat" abstained. Lou called me a feminist, possibly in jest, but possibly in all seriousness. When the Steve's arrived, I became fed up with the increasing ludicrity of the conversation and left before I could find out whether I had been branded or not to be burnt at the social stake.

They naturally asked me whether I was a feminist or not. I replied that I didn't know. The word has different meanings. Ask Webster... then turn around and ask urbandictionary. Semantics aren't the point. I'm momentarily angry with society here. I am as usual bound by something distinctly masculine. It isn't men I'm angry with... it's just the way it is.

Role Call!

I am currently writing an 8 page Internation Relations Paper right now. I'm sorry if the last post came across as too whiny. There is a lot to cover and I intend to do so but in good time. Classes are a little rough due to time crunches. There are also grades dependent on our physical activity and our "military" aptitude.

It's a little puzzling that we subject ourselves to such a harsh system of judgment. Apparently I have roughly a B- in Military Development grade, but the funny thing is that I'll bet that will have little to no bearing on whether I'll be a good leader in the future. I constantly hear cadets berating themselves for not rising to the occasion. There are few particularly gifted cadets that sort of have a better attitude, but they are far and few in between and hell we're all a little bit warped for putting ourselves through this. Somewhere in our mutinous muttering and hidden in our bitching and moaning is an affection for West Point. There is also this self-image of exalted humility or of suffering for the greater good of humanity. West Pointers in general - myself included - are primarily type A personalities, we've been told we're natural-born leaders, we're self-critical and never satisfied. Is it necesarily a bad thing? I don't think so. I think we really love this place and think we'll never live up to the image we've developed of the perfect officer, or the unknown image we have yet to solidify but have started to conjure up.

There are many other great organizations with pressure to live up to high standards exists. Any Ivy League school, or pro-football, or even being the perfect housewife. All of these roles emphasize certain sets of skills and values. West Point is no different. The secret to West Point is that it really is impossible to perfectly balance it all. You might be a pentathlete and wine and dine at the Dean's home. Fit and smart and hard-working you won't be the fittest though, or the smartest, or the hardest-working and even if you are the hardest-working you may not have the highest military grade. Maybe you had a lazy squad leader or a platoon leader who just didn't take a liking to you. Maybe you weren't doing perfect 100% of the time. And you know what? For all the cadets hyperventilating at this thought out there tonight possibly at this very hour... that's okay. Take a deep breath and calm down. Yeah, you too Psuedo-Mr. Incredible. Faux-Miss Everything-in-its-place-all-the-time. Maybe you're bitter and in the bottom half, or jaded and somewhere in the middle. Maybe your skeptical and in denial at either the extreme top or bottom. The point is... West Point may as well be a giant social experiment. Don't worry though... be happy.