This week I am a little rushed as I add the conclusion to my trip to San Remo, Italy as I left that hanging in my last entry.
The current tempo makes me feel like the 47-month experience has been a long swim. Sometimes I've been struggling under the surface, sometimes just going with the flow, and now graduation is like some waterfall looming ahead. I'm being pulled along faster and inevitably towards that ultimate end of my time as a cadet.
I have not been having moments of self doubt about my decision to come here, but about my preparation. And then there are moments where I am acutely aware of the burden about to be placed on my shoulders. Sometimes I feel like I'm taking a heavy weight on my chest, and other times I feel twinges of the same enthusiastic excitement that gripped me when I first received acceptance into this academy. I had an early notice of acceptance, and maybe that made me think a little less on my decision, but I am here now and I am sure that I can have a positive impact on my Army. And that is something that some very smart men and women I have met have told me, and that is their belief that my unique perspective will do good for the Army. The Army needs intelligent Officers in every branch, and the junior officer is the level of Officer closest to the Soldiers that make up the greater warfighting organization. The junior officer is important because to do your duty at that level means little credit but great impact, and while you may never have to exert the power associated with your role if your senior Noncommissioned Officers are doing their jobs, it is your duty as a junior officer to be ready for your Soldiers and for the Army and for your country. Doing the right thing is in the end better for everyone, even if difficult and even if it threatens your own existence.
At any rate, I have thought on my decision since arrival and concluded this is where I belong right now. I've faced many challenges, and events and things which have changed my point of view many times. And that is where the self doubt has crept into my life, and not for long either, but I simply questioned how I have evaluated people in the past. It's natural to have some predisposition towards people, but I had tried to neatly categorize them in my mind and this trip to San Remo, Italy made me question myself and my methods. There were moments where I wondered if I was in fact projecting onto others judgments I actually felt about myself.
In the end, it is impossible for me to perfectly assess everyone in my life. I can no sooner see what is going on in someone else's head than they can see into mine. Our thoughts are fluid things anyway, and what our minds process to be true can be turned upside down in an instant. So, confident that I can never be entirely confident, I continue the journey.
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