Had a scary dream that my dream guy got engaged. In the dream it was after several years of waiting so long for him (I was much older in the dream and apparently single and waiting on this guy), that when I found out he was taken, it was a crushing blow. I think this is an internal warning for me to avoid setting my expectations in stone for others in the future. I have to pursue my own goals, or I might trap myself in disappointment - but this was only the beginning of unfortunate events this week.
Speaking of disappointment in Cadet Land... I'm getting recommended for a military 'C' which means just plain vanilla average, so it shouldn't bother me, but it was the wording that bothered me, "[This Cadet] has improved vastly... but I feel she is behind the curve of her classmates."
What curve? I'm sorry what more have I failed to do in my hardly existent job? Did I turn in pointless weekly reports in too late one too many a time? Did I not have useless information to you soon enough? I stopped arguing with you so much, and my grade stays flatline and you think I'm still behind the curve... what the hell was the grading methodology? I bring up valid points. I differentiate between this fake world and the world we're going into. I have enthusiasm, and the desire to do the right thing no matter what. I get frustrated with incompetence and get snippy when my superiors try to tell me something without a proper explanation. I'm not so stupid as to complain blindly. I have never just bitched and moaned about something unless I really thought it was screwed up. And my job is... to make sure four of my peers, and three juniors... do their job. What more could I/should I have done? What's the point? Thanks for the mid-term counseling that said, "Just don't argue with the system so much." and then turn around and say I still missed the point. What was the point? The point was that I'm a poor cadet who doesn't grasp the concept of being a silly, mindless twat who has my nose so far in a Standard Operating Procedure book he cannot see past the voluminous yet sharply lacking pages to see the human side of the men and women he leads. The point is that if you look at my performance it has always been best at the things that will probably matter more in my job. I'm still a smart, proficient, intelligent woman. And you claim that I'm behind the curve... what curve? Who gave you the right to make up a stupid curve? Just say I'm average and I would accept it without question, maybe even with a smile. I know I'm not average in everything... but I would accept being called average. But being called behind my peers??? As though by some ridiculous chance I'm actually less mature than the ones against whom you compare me? I pride myself on a couple things, and that is certainly one of them. I may screw up time and time again, but we all do, and if you look at the content of my work and the content of my words... you might see I actually surprisingly surpass some of my classmates, asshole. Inadvertent asshole that you are being.
So much pent up... so much held inside. I feel as though I'm reeling back three and half years of bitterness aching to escape my mouth. Just the other day I was threatened with a warning of a 'regulations' violation. The intent of the rule I broke is to prevent inappropriate behavior. It is a rule rarely enforced... and usually the perpetrators are just unlucky enough to be caught by the kind of Cadet who either has no social skills to speak of or is the ultimate hypocrite. And now I have two lates to the same class that are going to get me hours in Central Area. Good, than I can join the real Corps, not the supposed fake one full of nervous ninnies aching to shine in the academic and promotional arena. I'm here to do the right thing and make a difference at the lowest levels for my time... and I pray the real Army frustrates me a fraction as much as this God-awful Cadet World where up is down, right is wrong, and the Honor Code is more important than real Honor. I feel like I live in a dystopia.
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