Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Going Slow

I've been dragging my feet a little on all my tasks and my to-do list. As the saying goes, if it weren't for the last minute I wouldn't get anything done. I was talking to my mentor and he told me it's normal to feel burnt out.

I'm supposed to be figuring out who I am this summer. I need a more permanent journal right now I'm sort of just wandering in and out of all of my mediums of expression. I have several notebooks going it's getting difficult for me to organize my thoughts much less all my documents and deadlines. I have to box so much of my stuff still and I don't even have tape to do it with.

I don't have a bad feeling though. After that talk yesterday I actually feel much better rested than I have been. I also have a slightly better idea of how I am going about with my development of self in the leadership category.

My mentor told me that I need to realize that a good leader knows to separate what's personal from what's the leadership. He also told me there are three different types of leadership. Leading your subordinates, leading your peers, and leading those above you. The most important part is that when you are making improvements you are imagining how the system could be bettered, or where it failed, that can make the improvement. You are critiquing the system in order to fix problems. You don't take it personal if someone disrespects you or your position, but you address it and fix it, because the system needs respect to work. If you take it personal you will either collapse and let the disrespect occur or you will overreact. Hence, you separate your personal feelings from leadership. I hope I am explaining what he told me in a coherent fashion, because it not only made sense to me but it motivated me and helped me sort out my feelings about past bad leadership experiences.

Additionally, he told me that gradeswise I probably faced my worst semester. I earned it, so I'm going to say it, my GPA is a 2.955

There it is. It's not a 4.0 or even an even 3.0 right now, though if you rounded it you'd get the latter. However, this was not due to heavy hours or mind-bogglingly difficult work. It was stress and being burnt out and disinterested. This is going to change for many reasons. However, my mentor told me that I displayed qualities and that I obviously expected a lot from myself. He told me he perceived that I wouldn't be happy if I just skated by, under the radar, doing the minimum. He also said that I would want to go to grad school, that education was important and this was probably passed to me unbeknownst to myself from the female lineage of my family.

Whether his perceptions were all accurate or not I don't know, but I listened and appreciated them. They got me to thinking and definitely stirred me from my stupor. That always seems to happen and I'm happy for it, whenever I'm starting to drift off the trail, someone always comes around to get me back on the straight and narrow. I appreciate it, because I don't think I could make it in the wilderness without turning bitter. I want to be working towards something. I want to be successful, but I want to be human. I want to maintain my wandering, and excitable personality. In excess it may be bad, but I'm learning from interacting with other people that these qualities can actually be sought after by less exuberant or passionate people. People who might have the skills and the standards, but who long to be more outgoing. Surprised? I am. But I'm happy to share these qualities with people, and even happier to maybe pick up some tips from my more even-tempered friends.

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