I Don't Know Who I Am Anymore and That's Okay

I am slowly figuring out who I am slowly. It's a much slower journey than expected. I've messed up recently, but that's okay too. I need to learn to not be such a perfectionist. There are more measures of success than grades or the ability to perform specific tasks. There are more general, more important things. I cannot believe that I've lost sight of that. I used to do things for the pleasure of them, learning physics and calculus was fun and writing was this interest to me to put my thoughts on paper for me. I sort of lost sight of that when I got caught up in the competition that is West Point. I became sad when I didn't perform like I thought I would, and I lost my fire when I suddenly found myself struggling in ways I'd never had to struggle before. It's not as simple as starting an engine up again either. It's not a spark that I'm missing, it's tinder.


These long conversations on Sunday are more and more interesting. I feel like I'm getting a glimpse into someone who is more like me than I knew. I'm getting positive feedback from someone who seems to have it together, and there's no competitive feelings between us and there's an affinity that I certainly can't put a finger on. Maybe I'm seeking this connection, but I don't think I would get such good reception if there wasn't one there before I started looking.


I went for a run today with a friend leaving on a two year mission because he's Mormon. He doesn't know where he's going yet, but I feel it's a shame that I didn't get to know him better and for some reason we're getting along quite well. It's quite accidental and I didn't all of a sudden warm up to him because he was leaving. Plenty of people start to leave and I don't get close to them, like for instance when another guy left at the end of last semester. We never really spoke at all.


However, to avoid lingering on that fact, today we went for a run. It was fun. I made him run up to the trail behind the Jewish Chapel (which I guess isn't really a chapel, but that's the common name here on campus) and we ran up some steep trails up to Fort Putnam which is a historical site on campus but it was closed. I got curious though, so we ran around the edge of its high walls until we found a spot that was passable and we climbed up and did a leader's recon. This is another one of those hypothetical situations of which there is no proof, only rhetorical description. It was fun, it was green, and we definitely had a good - albeit short - run uphill twice. We also did pull-ups. Two sets of five for me, plus three wide grip pull-ups, with about seven half wide grip pull-ups thrown in, and then followed with five pull-ups grip facing towards myself.

I like the trail run, even if I do start wheezing after only ten meters into the green. It's still more fun and more interesting than a run to Lee Gate which is not only boring but to me isn't the easiest thing ever. I have trouble running for three miles at the same pace. I need to work on that. I might go on a long run tomorrow, but it probably still won't be a Lee Gate Run.



I wrote this a couple weeks ago:

I'm Embarking

on a new adventure

on old trails

running straight into Nature.

Into the past
no questions asked

praying that my strength will last.

I'm seeking not a destination

but for some hidden explanation.