Who can see the Future? And who Believes it?

I have been wanting to post a lot this week, but every time I am at the computer and have some time I don't have the motivation.  It's very much the same with my academic work as well.  At any rate there has been some introspection going on, and some curiousity about events outside my control.

On women in the infantry and armor branch.  To be honest, it seems like the same wall is there that existed here at West Point for women's wrestling.  I feel like a shell of a woman in that aspect.  Just having missed the NYAC Holiday tournament.  I am really down and out about it, like I let myself down, but I made the cogniscent decision at least a month in advance.  I was wondering if I'd have the time at the end of August.  Judging by how behind I currently remain on paper upon paper... I really need to buckle down and plow forward.

Oops, I digressed.  Back to women in infantry and armor.  The problem that is repeating is the lack of women who want to.  I want women to have the right, I would be willing to serve in infantry, but I am lacking in some ways.  I would have to fight and work hard to pass the male minimum standard of push-ups.  I would struggle in day to day PT in Infantry.  I am unsure if I could do it.

Yet another side of me argues that isn't important.  What is important is being willing to suffer for the right for other women.  And even if that was only a few women, well we all deserve the chance.  It's a patch in the social quilt that is our patriarcal society.  Let's face it, historically presidents usually have military background.  The best way to advance in our military is to be in the combat arms.  The combat arms have the most prestige.  It's not the only route, but it's a significant path.

I guess what is bothering me is even if I am not the most qualified woman and even if the most qualified women don't want to currently... can I still fight for women to be allowed in the military?  How would I deal with defeat in this aspect?  What would defeat look like?  As gradual as my defeat in wrestling?  I am worried I will never get back into wrestling.  I wonder if I've grown into other pursuits... or simply lost touch with wrestling in any way serious.  I can still roll around... but what about the future.  What about my other goals?  What about beyond the Army?  I want so much, but some of the things I want would entail maybe further service.  And I'm not so sure how the military career suits me yet.  I never imagined life as a Transportation Officer.

There are so many more things to write, but currently this will have to suffice.  Until next blog, Danke.

Revitalized

Something has changed. A content restlessness flows through me. It's the result of wrestling against Missouri Baptist Univ. wrestler Whitbeck and against Canadian Stewart. I was complimented by a few people at the tournament. I was noticed. It is sustaining me. It is a faint glow that might mean dawn is finally coming.

I must admit not all is well... I fought with my roommate yesterday. Besides getting creative with my curse-words, we hashed out some issues, then I swallowed a corrosive dose of pride and spoke with the girl I have harbored anger towards since she dared encroaching on my life this semester by going out with one of my friends and acting like besties with my roomie.

First my roomie and I had an argument that came to a boiling point fast, because of me. Eventually she stormed off to class and I went to buy a $1.49 coffee. Afterwards I went to this girl's room and extended an angry but determined olive branch. I was blunt. She's not a flower. On the contrary I think her sacharrine sweetness masks a terribly poisonous and manipulative person... but one who isn't worth my time. I focused on the fact that I didn't... actively dislike her. I also told her that I wasn't acting any differently towards her than any of her other classmates in my company. I was vague, but direct. I referenced her boyfriend a lot. I brought up our common points (of which there are very few), and I cut her off repeatedly. I remembered another reason I disliked her. She must always be talking. While this makes her fun if you are in the mood for witty banter, it makes her very annoying if you are trying to address her. If only like my cousin she could direct this sheer volume of talking in the direction of a cell phone... than I could afford myself valuable seconds to have some calm thoughts as opposed to frustrated ones edged with, "When you shut up I will answer!"

Either way, my roommate and I resolved our argument fairly peacefully. And I finally bridged a gap that could have been a social disaster. Nothing fatal, but potentially toxic.

I did a map check of my grades. I basically have a chance to make an A- in all of my classes for certain, with the exception of Law classes and Portuguese. Portuguese I can still make an A+ and Law I don't know because I don't know my grades for the - few - graded assignments we had.

I am getting stronger too. In spite of waking up early I did not nap after classes but worked out. I ran 1.71 miles, 14 minutes at increasing intervals and the rest of the time at a 7.5 mph pace. Then during upper body I showed my work-out partner the motions that I felt the least strength in and we modified my lifting routine to add strength where it was lacking. When I expressed a desire to increase faster, he said less rest time between sets. I am over-joyed and looking forward to seeing further results.

NYAC 2009

I wrestled. I lost. Yet I walked away with a smile on my face and pride in my heart. I may have to scrape for every single bit of wrestling time I get, but I will scrape. I will find some way of continuing this pursuance of wrestling. I do love the hard work. I do love the sore muscles. I do love the stinging bruises and the cut lips. I am madly in love with wrestling.

I couldn't see myself as being a particularly great starving wrestler so I went to West Point, but I find myself somewhat fettered here. I have some thoughts that will remain reserved on the subject, but other than that I felt more free today than I have in years since I came to the academy. Last year at NYAC International Open I felt scared and I left crushed and defeated. This year I actually... had some fun. I lost, probably worse than last year as far as results go. But I had improvement. Oh I felt the improvement, it was like a high. I just kept on feeling it in disbelief.

It was possible to overcome my situation and make progress in wrestling? And all I had done was form one link in a support group. One person made a year's worth of difference in me (and maybe I exaggerate a little but I'm trying to make a point). I need to expand this support chain. It's the only possible solution. I have someone who will support me through thick and thin, now I need a practice partner or something like it. Maybe I just need someone to kick my ass in freestyle once a week.

So much to plan. So many possibilities! I am amazed yet humbled by this. I feel like chiding myself, "See... that wasn't so bad was it? A little bit of hard work and effort actually pays off more than grumbling and cursing the system." But I'm happy to have realized it at all, so I will continue to bask in the joy.

Okay maybe 116.8 lb?

There are bigger things on my mind to keep me awake at 1:30 in the morn'

Mostly it's the doozy this week is turning out to be. Whew! I mean, one grueling swim test tomorrow (joy, not). One CE300 WPR Tuesday morning. Watching the Sosh Run in the afternoon which "Sunny" is doing. Wednesday is a law trip section. Thursday two essays are due. Friday I am going to be starving. Meanwhile every night will be full-up with a hard cardio-filled work-out. Pretty much just drinking water and fruits and light protein between now and Wed. Just water and small carbs on Thursday. And... who knows on Friday?

The bigger things though... they are more emotionally related. I felt, defeated this last Friday. I felt undone like the biggest ceramic piece of art had just fallen off a shelf and exploded in the middle of my room. Shards and shards of pottery everywhere and dust coating everything. Strewn amid the regular crap I usually have on my floor it would have been an utter disaster. That's how I felt about Friday. Pretty much ready to cry from sheer frustration. Tonight I feel like I've been running uphill academically this weekend. I feel like I've reached the crest of a hill only to see more hill in front of that and my lungs just won't work right. I can't catch my breath. I'm intimidated. I'm... weary. I want so badly to pause, not stop but take a breath and a break.

On a side note speaking of runs, I took Sunny on a pretty great run. We ran past the cemetery up a hill up towards Michie Stadium than down and a left down a curvy road that mostly ran along Thayer Road. It was more than a two-mile run for sure and it had up and downhill. Plus I ran much faster than he expected. Which also made me suffer a little... but not too bad. The best part is that I haven't had any pain in my hip or my shins!!! OMG!! Even though my hip is popping like I've been running more. I'd say that this last week I ran... um... eleven miles this week! And lifted like a mad-woman. And drilled three times last week and wrestled live twice!

But alas... there might be matters of the heart that are confusing me. Surely these things deserve the least amount of my attention. They are the 'least-important' things to consider. I shouldn't even give them a sentence. They don't need a metaphor. They are scattered day-dreams. They are sappy love songs in gritty old school rock about cars and the 'heat of the moment' and all that crap. Obviously this has no place in my mind right now. And me being the absolute image of self-control and cool-headedness... well Lord knows that right now I'm completely focused on all the many more 'important' things in my life. My heart has no sway over how I act. I am so much better than that. Sigh... hopefully the thickness of the sarcasm here is palpable enough to be a slap in the face. I am what I am, and who else do I have to confide in when my former confidante would rather drink half a bottle of wine before crashing on her bed?

121.25 or 112.25???

Okay, so here's the dilemma. I'm training up. This last week I was running, wrestling, and lifting. Of course Wednesday night, Thursday night, Friday night, Saturday night, and Sunday night, were ruined by the Problem Set, the Law paper, and then the 3-day Air Force Academy trip.

Still I'm 123 lb in spite of 4 days off. I'm working out this week and next week. Can I cut down to 112? I can pre-register for $35 or wait and pay an extra $10 to make the decision next week. I think I should try to cut the weight. I ordered new knee pads, new chin-strap for my headgear, and a hair slicker. I have my USA card. Now it's just this last agonizing decision: Which Weight Class??

Unregistered to Blog...

So today in my LW410 class I discovered that technically all blogs by people like me are supposed to be registered. But where? And you supposedly can't post until your commanding officer reviews the blog. Hmm... would anyone find anything offensive in 'Multifaceted Gray'? I don't share this with anyone in la militar.

Anyway, good news. On Problem Set #5 I received - drum roll please - a 70/70 points! One A+ for me! Today we took the WPR and I think I did well on that too, but so did a lot of people so we'll see. The Portuguese WPR was delayed until tomorrow which was also a thrill.

Tonight I went to the library with the boyfriend and while he did his problem set I made my new study guide for Portuguese and sat down tonight until I think I better understood the subjunctive: the stupidist invention of grammar ever!

I wrestled and lost today to a guy I should have beat. I thought I was last and the coaches (both teams) thought my weight class was last. I wasn't warmed up, I had cramps that had me in the fetal position earlier today, and I was operating on about three hours of sleep with some naps thrown in haphazardly. I lost by 2 points. It was killer for me. Looking back though I fought like a scrapper because I have a busted lip, a swollen nose (right side), and a bump that was for a while the size of half a walnut on my forehead. It's just a small bruise now, I mean I don't look that bad, but the nose stings quite a bit.

The exercise was good though. Tomorrow is boxing practice (I hope) last time was a trick we ended up cleaning the gym we are now using. I missed practice today because it was no time for me to venture far out of the room. I didn't go to choir practice either. I've been feeling quite reluctant to commit so much of my future time without a clear idea of what I'm possibly missing. I am going to be in the audience of a certain popular T.V. Show this Columbus Day... more information on that to follow the actual event. It's kind of a cool experience to add to the list. Also I am trying to go to the Air Force v. Army Football game. As soon as the sign up appears I'm clicking and committing. Please pick me... I don't want to do Super Saturday! Well really I wouldn't mind, but I want to travel. Colorado sounds kind of cool.

Need to work on that APFT. I am sub-100 points in the sit-ups. Abs are now mandatory every day. The heavy-duty WPRs are over. Time needs to re-arrange to fit both academics and exercise. The social stuff will take care of itself as was proven to me when I went over to H's room for CE300 help and stayed for a while to catch up since it's been a while. Let's hope the good luck carries on. Cheers.

Potentially We Have Potential

Today I re-learned a wrestling move from watching the Div-1 wrestlers for about 20 seconds, wrestled hard live during intramurals against a 140 lb guy, inspired three people to go for a quick upper body lift with me after the wrestling, and went to Salsa Dance Lessons and proceeded to laugh my ass off with a good friend. I also confirmed with my friend in F-1 that I was committed to the women's boxing team I just needed reminders. It doesn't matter how much socially I have to give up I am pursuing this and keeping myself in shape if it's the last thing I do. Hopefully if I don't find wrestling in Portugal I can at the very least find a boxing or kick-boxing gym. I've been thinking ahead how I will stay in shape while I'm abroad. On one hand European meals are longer and healthier, but on the other hand I'll sort of be feeling like I'm 'on holiday' and might overindulge. I may be able to work out less often since I'll be living at a regular college with a city and pubs and stores and people to meet. It might actually cost me money to use gym facilities, another consideration. Just to throw that out there I am thinking about it at least.

Have a meeting scheduled with my Dept. Academic Counselor tomorrow, should be fun really. All the instructors have been meeting with yearlings discussing their 'major' decision. Andy is actually losing a little sleep over it, kind of reminds me when I chose my major how much less I thought about alternative options. I visited the Dirt Dept. briefly but they tried too hard to get me to join their department. I like the instructors and the atmosphere as well as the class content of the law department more. I am also still determined to become fluent in Portuguese and am still bowled over that I'm going to Portugal. I'm certainly excited, although things are moving slowly.

Went to the PX with "Sunny" and bought some new white shirts as well as a multi-vitamin for active young women since the cadet health clinic insists on giving the females pre-natal vitamin pills. It really annoys me. I also got some whey protein for post-weight lifting consumption. I'm working out five days of the week (sometimes I skip a Thursday or Friday but I've been working out on Saturdays too now) and I feel more energy than usual.

Had some quality girl talk last night. My roommate is searching for a boyfriend and unfortunately I think she's looking so hard for a boyfriend she's looking at some guys through rose-colored spectaclels and missing out on casual dating. She's still so upbeat and doing great at academics. A girl down the hall complained she still loves her ex even though he cheated on her and she cheated on him. I shrugged, that girl never acts like she has a boyfriend so I don't see how her life has changed that much. I was surprised how silly some of the conversation was. Most of my two cents made well sense and I think everyone was unsettlingly surprised how pragmatic and practical my advice was. The oldest one there, our neighbor a senior, agreed with me the most and had the most mature point of view. One subject that came up was cheating. Senior AKA Lola (not her real name) had talked to a guy and sort of seen him while he was dating his current girlfriend while she was at semester abroad. He has cheated on his girlfriend more than once. Lola said he said skeazy comments like, "You're all I think about." and his girlfriend is back and Lola said she's not interested in him. Then sophomore down the hall AKA Linn (not real name), says,

"Don't you wish sometimes you could tell the girlfriend like show them the proof and tell them their boyfriend is cheating?"

and Lola replies,

"Yeah, but then she still calls you a slut and bitch for cheating with her boyfriend."

and my roommate retorts hotly,

"Any girl who does that is stupid!"

At which point I break in,

"No, Lola is right.  You [my roomie] damn well remember how it was, if this guy is over the top by saying you're all he thinks about and he sent you flowers you can bet he sounds so sincere to his girlfriend. If she gives a rats ass about him she'll not want to believe and she'll question the motive of the girl telling her the information. She'll wonder if this girl is just trying to get her to break up with her guy unfairly. Unless of course she already completely distrusts her boyfriend. It depends on the nature of the relationship."

Linn disagreed saying she'd believed a girl. I wanted to say Linn had no concept of fidelity, but managed to keep my mouth shut on that. My roomie sort of understood but not fully. Lola really got it though. And I got her. Even though we'd been the exact opposite roles in that situation with different people I realized I didn't like her any less, I did however find the guy weak and quite the P.O.S. Anyway didn't realize I could have so much fun or offer so much to the conversation.

As far as my own relationship status, true I have a boyfriend, but it's just seeing where it goes. We both have our own goals to pursue. I have boxing and wrestling and academics and lifting weights. I also have a semester abroad. I have salsa dancing and EST (shooting if possible). He has sprint football and academics and big decisions upon him plus one of the hardest academic years to face. He's on top of his game and so far so am I. I have two A's in classes. Soon to be three! At least I'm that optimistic. It's time for sleep or all my self-prophecies will be false for sure. Night.

Maniac I'm Looking For

I had some interesting and new experiences this week. I was present at a Brigade Level Board. Which was an experience not many get to witness, much less be an active player at. I spoke only twice. Once on command, and once I interjected - politely. The reason being one of my subordinates got an alcohol board, it's a pretty serious offense... but it still feels so surreal. Part of it felt like a puppet court. I felt like discussing the case with the BTO himself was deeply interesting, and the legality seemed a distant issue.
Another new experience I had the same day, that lunch actually, was attending the quarterback luncheon. I had no idea why we'd been invited, and assumed at first it was just for numbers. It turned out that the Law Department wants to check up on its little experiment of an all-cow (junior) class taking the mandatory Law class (LW403 mando/core requirement mostly firsties - seniors - take). I ended up not having to speak, and honestly couldn't think of much to say. I preferred the class with all law-dogs of course... but I was in it. Fortunately my counterparts "Boat" and "Kay" both had enough to say to satisfy the issue. The law instructors know my face pretty well by now since I did take an AIAD with them my plebe summer and I hung out at law functions because of my ex. The actual luncheon stood out in my mind because the food was very tasty and there was a lot of big brass and plenty of high-achieving outstanding cadets. The Superintendent (Supe), Current at the moment Commandant (Comm), and the Dean (the Dean) were all there too. After enjoying our meals and getting grilled on our LW403 class our ears were assaulted by the West Point Spirit Band (not the Army Band) with songs we were obligated to clap along to. Then the head coach got up and spoke to us in jargon only football players could really understand... "Double Eagle Flex" or something like that apparently originated in Canada where this is no room for something and here in America we don't usually stack a running back and something else? I was mostly flummoxed.

Finally more news. The current Commandant of Cadets BG Linnington is gone now. He's taken off. Arrivederci Suckers. Hasta La Vista Corps. Auf Wiedersehen Gang. The last two things I remember from his speech included a list and a charge.
The list was 5 possible things he might leave the corps with (1) PMI until Thanksgiving (2)Amnesty to all Alcohol-Boards (3) Civilian Clothes for Cows immediately (4) Unlimited OPPs for yuks and plebes or (5) Rescindment of the long-sleeve winter policy

We cheered and chanted for our favorite, but the decision hasn't been announced.
The other bit was that he charged us all to look out for our brothers and sisters at arms. Especially that we should go out and form those relationships that would last our lifetimes.
Our new Commandant has been here for two days reportedly although I don't recall seeing him (perhaps he was incognito in As-For-Class?) and he was a combat Engineer. The color of the Engineers is Red. Then there's Infantry Blue. Signal Orange. Artillery Yellow? I can't remember them all.
So now for a little more news. Our company went up against G-1 in wrestling and won. It was a nail-biter of a duel. My own match I won... but it was purely because my opponent was inexperienced. He was stronger than me and definitely didn't feel like he weighed 135 lb. Since the weigh-ins are observed by coaches... I'm willing to bet this kid was around heavy 140 lb. Anyway, after a slow start and a couple stupid mistakes on my part, I caught the kid on his back and pinned him. A good confidence boost combined with identification of the things I need to fix.
I've been working out regularly starting this week. I went to Hayes Gym (it's actually the obstacle course gym in Arvin Gym on the 2nd and 3rd floor) and ran on the track above the course. It's a small circuit, 11.7 laps to the mile. Although why the hell you'd be running for 11.7 laps escapes me. Why didn't they just make it 12 laps to a mile? So confusing. Anyway, I've been able to run for longer in the gym than I can on the treadmill or outdoors. I also have done two sets of sprints and the second set was longer than the first. Also now capable of 2 ankles to the bar. Success!