Why Do I Care Project X?

In spite of my age, in spite of having a very satisfying job and life, and in spite of feeling successful and what one could call 'attractive' somewhere in the middle on a scale of the elephant man to Gisele Bündchen, I still find myself sometimes sad and downtrodden about my body image.  The recent movie, Project X, is a childish celebration of teenage debauchery apparently, and movie critics rate it as less sophisticated than the hangover series... I guess it got a few points above the Jackass series for featuring more aesthetically pleasing flesh art in the background.  Even though I can make an effort and get dolled up for an evening, I feel like in the day I return to being the average-bodied and far from glamorous though decent looking girl at work.  So I feel a vast disconnect with the movie, me personally.  Therefore looking up images from the movie, I think:

 Project X girls partying

 Me at a Small Fourth of July Party

But even though I feel like I don't measure up, Project X is not reality, and I didn't go see the movie... so why is it bothering me?  Because my boyfriend went to see it, and before he did so, when we saw the previews for it he clearly got excited, and afterwards he was extolling its 'virtues' (okay really he just said it was "pretty good").  And sure, it's just a movies thing, but it honestly haunts my psyche... I did not go to very many high school or college parties, and it becomes easy to let Hollywood tell you how those parties were.

I may have not gone because of my relatively later in life involvement with alcohol, and my early pretty much self-imposed curfew that I followed without much of a fight or many attempts to sneak out, but through the lens of movies like Project X, I didn't go to these parties because I didn't associate with the right people and wasn't invited to do so because I didn't have a drop dead gorgeous face, or the right hip to waist ratio... Looking up the movie reviews, Project X is "pure hedonism without consequences" - Melissa Anderson of The Village Voice - and even on some sad levels mixed in with misogyny-cultivating behaviors... so why would I be happy my boyfriend enjoyed this movie?

I suppose it's just a sad reflection of the fragility of some parts of my self confidence also.  I mean, it's not like he's leaving me on the curb to go chase this stupid dream.  He even told me that's all it is, just Hollywood.  But that isn't really any consolation.  When Hollywood panders to women it's for them to get married or be self-satisfied career women and when Hollywood panders to men it's with not one, but multiple hot "babes" all apparently size 0 or generously endowed and between the ages of 18 and 24.

Women?  We get to appreciate the value of the 'funny guy' and the endearment of the guy we banished to the friend zone who turns out to be 'the one.'  It's not like I could go indulge my sorrows in a movie of some geeky or goofy looking women I could relate to enjoying all sorts of muscular, athletic men vying for their attention. Men?  They can watch any action flick and see hot women in strappy tanks, v-necks, with mini-skirts, boob brushes, asses outlined, a full body camera pan, and a sultry voice tell our hero (whether he is attractive or not) how important he is to the plot, and then they turn an action packed corner and get it again from a barely distinguishable girl.  How could I not love mainstream media?  I need to take a film class.

And I don't know if I'm angry or if I'm just insecure... either way, those images from the movie aren't me and I'm not going to desperate lengths to mold myself to that image, but I think I am just terrified of judging myself by those standards.  If it's all in good fun, why does it matter so much?  First, in my reaction, why is it so strong?  Second, in the effort the producers:  I mean why spend so much money on women to portray those roles in movies?  And beyond movies, why does a book like "The Game:  Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists" have so many avid readers?  Why is it acceptable for these men to play on the insecurities of women, to ply back possibly hard-earned self-esteem to get what they want?  There might be such thing as a gold digger, but I can assure you she didn't make the rich snob feel like he couldn't get another hot young thing.  I'm sure he didn't feel insecure in his ability to attract another money-sniffing playboy bunny.  And when you hear about male exotic dancers, no one says they are out there doing it because of mommy issues, like they do about strippers and daddy issues.  I don't know what I'm accomplishing by writing this post, except trying to analyze and vent my very real if very uncalled for reaction.

My Reaction to DoD opens 14,000 Army jobs to women

My feelings on this can pretty much be summed up in the quote from Nancy Duff Campbell, co-president of the National Women's Law Center,

"It's good, but it's not very much more of a step forward."

I totally concur.  I've written very passionately about this.  I guess I would have mixed feelings if the barriers were removed right now because I've already started my military career and I'm generally happy being a Transporter, but it should still be changed.  I'm really thrilled General Odierno is pushing for more changes, even though I know a lot of his quotes come from a similar article about a month or so ago.  He expressed disappointment the deadline for reviewing the gender policy was not met and he spoke highly of the real contributions women make in our Army.

Unfortunately, I believe a larger percentage than are speaking openly and plainly in interviews and from podiums are reluctant to see the change.  Someone said to me today referencing the article with a shrug about women being in combat:

[Just saying...] "Could you pull me out of a burning vehicle?"

I wish I'd had a better retort on hand, but I was off guard and tired.  I wished I had mentioned Sgt. Monica Brown, the medic who may not have pulled anyone who weighed a ridiculous amount more than her from a burning HMMWV, but who shielded Soldiers with her own body in Afghanistan one day, risking her life to treat the wounded.  And beyond that, on countless missions she provided much needed aid to the unit she was attached to.  Though just doing her job she was awarded a Silver Star for valor.  A few days after the flurry of media attention though, she was pulled from the area because she was too close to combat according to current policies.  According to the unit taking her out on missions though, there was no other medic to take at the time.

Now, reading a story like that, why turn to me and ask bluntly if I could carry you out of a burning vehicle?  I think of the guys who already push 200 lb when they are in plain clothes.  Could he pull that guy with a full combat load and body armor on out of a burning vehicle if the seat belt is in place?  I mean let's quit with the what if statements, these hypothetical scenarios don't address the real issue.

The real issue is that women deserve as much fair treatment in this government job as they receive in any other.  The real problems are not about the chivalry of men, the emotional reaction to combat, or the physical demand of their jobs.  Real problems may be privacy, and preventing affirmative action from debilitating the fighting force.  Additionally, the article mentioned the so few women in high ranks because the best career jobs in the army are in fields closed to women.  For me it is not really about the 'Brass Ceiling'... though that part does have some legitimate backing and research.  If the Army is viewed from purely a career standpoint, than it is a problem, but from a more traditional standpoint, call it nostalgic maybe, but from the the standpoint that the Armed Forces are the real life heroes of a nation - the defenders and upholders of the Constitution - it's just plain heartbreaking.  Ask me can I pull you from a burning vehicle... but then let me try.  Don't look at me, my gender, and simply shake your head.  Defense officials say there is no Brass Ceiling, and that women have "no disadvantage in... promotion rate."  Wonderful, so women have not been detrimental or performed any worse than men in all the jobs they are allowed?  So, give us a chance in the Infantry.  Give America's daughters a shot at Eleven Bravo (11B)!  I think she may surprise you if you'd give her half the chance.

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo (2011) Reaction

It is post-Christmas and I've been feeling anxious lately. Though I was able to accomplish a lot yesterday, I still ended up getting into a fight (verbal) at the end of the night, just thankfully not in public. I felt like the conversation was going well and I was holding my own without being too prickly of a person, but I wasn't too sure since I had gotten three shots to update my immunizations records and one was a polio adult booster - the number one side effect is, naturally, irritability. So I was double checking my personal assessment of the situation with a friend and a somewhat unrelated fight broke out over other topics. I guess the movie we saw had me a little bit sensitive and reactive: The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. And I know there is a book, and I really ought to read it, but I just haven't gotten around to it yet.
Anyway, overheard someone say of Lisbeth's rape scene that she would break the bed rather than endure the rape. Now I know it's nice to imagine that, but it just doesn't appeal to me as an observational comment.  When I looked at my reaction to the comment, I was perplexed and had to try to think why it bothered me.  After some thought, I guess it was the subtle way she put herself above the character's reaction. Rather than say, "I'm sure she wished she could have broken the bed rather than been raped, that scene was so strong and uncomfortable." the comment was rather one that she would have done the impossible to avoid the rape.

But comments and why those comments stood out in my mind aside, the scene makes me think of how living unconventionally makes you vulnerable to being taken advantage of in ways that aren't immediately apparent. Maybe being conventional and sweet and submissive and effeminate without apparent strength puts you at the mercy of strong men, but you could live your whole life in this fashion and be "alright." You could believe that if everyone followed the rules that we'd all be okay and taken care of.  Yet if you're wild and need independence for whatever reason - whether past trauma or betrayal - it can be held against you.  You don't conform to society and whether you are a man or woman, you suffer for it.  Yet the wayfaring woman has so much more to fear than the man.

The closing scene of the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo also hit me hard.  It's the sort of scene that makes me sad because when someone who finds it difficult to become romantically involved finds someone they care about, it is painful to find out that the other doesn't feel the same way - or at least believing this.  That you were a phase in their life, and that they are going back to what is familiar and easier.  Finding someone who makes you feel even dryly witty and attractive, only to find out you barely made an impression is one of the biggest let downs you can feel in your life.

I know I am projecting, because obviously there is a book and I should probably read that for more insight into Lisbeth's point of view.  But on the movie, if you - man or woman - are strong enough like the protagonist to be "alright" and take care of yourself, it is still one of life's tragedies to see a hardened person begin to soften only to get hurt and feel as though the offending person has proven their lowest estimations of humanity are right from time to time.  It's enough to stay cynical.  Strong movie.  Very thought provoking, I have got to read the books now...

Trying to Date in the Military

In the military it can be difficult for a woman looking for a man.  She is most likely going to have a successful relationship with a peer in the military.  I cannot imagine for the life of me meeting a guy - a civilian - in a bar in Richmond and if things work out marrying him and bringing him with me to my next duty station and telling him to go ahead and take care of the apartment and the dog and if he can find a job, good for him but my paycheck has got us covered.  If I found a guy who told me he would follow me all while finding work where he could and raising our kids, I don't think under normal circumstances I would want to be with him.  And that might be my unwillingness to be more progressive in this particular topic, but there are so many men who do this in the military to their wives.  And that is perfectly fine, but it does make one feel a little bit, I guess, the right word would be jealous.  I am jealous it is more difficult for me to find a civilian either established enough or high enough in his job to follow me as I change from duty station to duty station, or patient enough to wait for me while I continue my military career.


I haven't had a relationship I saw going anywhere serious for a while.  I fell hard for a civilian a year ago and that ended up degenerating into me banging my head against a brick wall and being distraught that the brick wall won.  He was already tied up in other life goals, and he couldn't handle that I was in a job that potentially risked my life.  He would ask if I could get out of the military.  Even if I could, I didn't want to.

Other than him, I've generally dated other military personnel... and this has had it's ups and downs.  I can't help but feel a streak of competition which clashes with my desire to look to my beaus for help and support.

In all of these pursuits for romance the relationships have ended, or not been serious enough to warrant ending, and while I am okay and possibly the better for it, I am in constant pursuit of affirmation that I'm worth it.  Don't so many of us feel like this?  Those of us who haven't been welcomed into other families with open if cheesy arms.  Those of us who haven't had the warm touch of gold on our ring fingers, or that exciting moment when you officially bind your life with someone else's.  We're sort of perched on solitary relationship chairs trying to convince ourselves that we're special, that the someone out there for us is just a little difficult to find, and struggling with the haunting fear that we might be alone when it's not what we want.  It's okay to come to accept that being alone is either what we want, or what is best for us, but it is totally different if you find yourself happy with a partner in your life and can't seem to hold on to a relationship past a significant life change.

And I know that it will come when you least expect it, and la-di-da, but forgive me for expressing the inevitable feelings of single women, especially in the military.  And I know there's people on the other side of the fence who may feel worse for having had serious relationships that fell through at the worst moments, but from the occasionally bitter single side, at least you have the security that you could secure the facsimile of a relationship.  Here I've got the tatters of attempts that I threw away when they couldn't satisfy me.  Is it me destroying the chances, or is it me realizing the chance wasn't there?

I am fine at the moment, I'm neither piningly lonely nor am I in a screwed up relationship.  I've got plenty of time to fall in love with someone.  Whichever way the wind blows me, there's one thing for sure:  my military career is going to play a gargantuan role in my romantic life.  I can't keep the two from overlapping.  I don't even think I have the capability to leave the military and be someone's kept wife... I couldn't stand the boredom of listening to him regale me on military subjects that I know, a military life I would constantly feel resentment for because I left it for a man - and always wonder if I could have done it better than him.

Even further, I cannot be some particularly effeminate woman in the military who may understand her partner's lifestyle but chooses to do some sort of more historically acceptable job for women such as medical service or maybe adjutant general or finance.  I respect those jobs and positions, and more importantly the men and women who do those jobs, but one thing is certain:  that women are still barred from Ranger School and certain jobs based on gender alone still angers me.  It makes my heart race, and motivates me to think about and work towards a solution to this problem.  Which is why I still consider the law and legal work in my future, or some sort of international work because it seems gender is less an issue in some other countries.

There are other women in the military like this, who are neither classic sweethearts with cheerleader smiles and soft voices, nor overtly masculine business-only tomboys who never so much as donned a skirt before the Army Service Uniform.  Both of these types of people contribute, and that's great, but there's a growing percentage of women who are somewhere between these stereotypes.  It's part of society changing and unshackling gender roles for the better, those women were already there, but it will hopefully become more and more apparent.  I know who I am:  a tough, gritty, wrestling, combative woman with a wry sense of humor who doesn't really know where this gets her right now in life.  It's fine and great, but I don't even have the height and strength and solid technical knowledge to be a stoic badass.  And since I cannot be a stoic badass yet, I will have to accept and capitalize on when my antics and attempts to be a professional in the military are amusing to others.  After you are done chuckling, will you help me out?

Makes No Sense

So today this is word for word what occurred.  We have a large classroom at the ALU, and there are more boys than women in class, so the boys stayed in the classroom and changed.  Not a bad decision, I have no issue with that, and I even believe that makes perfect sense.

However, after the inspection I was in that same classroom to get my stuff.  I was not trying to change or prohibit anyone from changing.  A peer of mine was complaining that the guys got the classroom to change in.  I can see how it's annoying, but personally it's not a battle worth fighting.  It is not these gentlemen's fault the layout or composition of our class and building...

...I do not, however, appreciate dumb comments.  To be honest, I may just have less patience than others when it comes to toleration of the stupid, but that didn't make this next part any less irritating to me.  And yes a lack of sleep didn't help, but still.  One man insisted on announcing - as he removed his shirt - that he was going to change and the women who didn't want to see better leave!  First of all, of all the men I could have died peacefully having never seen even half-naked, he was in the top ten percent.  Second of all, it was not a locker room!  I could see his point as valid if the room was at the very least sealed off, but the doors have little windows!  Now while his argument held some validity when spoken so brazenly to his peers, would it have held if a civilian had walked into the room to ask about travel vouchers?  Would it have held if someone's daughter or wife had walked by and seen a group of men half-clad in ASUs and ACUs?  No, the plain and simply - and maybe unfortunate - answer is that his argument would have fallen on deaf ears.  It's just not wise to get half-nekkid in a room with a window that no one was bothering to cover up.  It may have been allowed and nothing may have happened but the chance was there.  Personally, I picked up my belongings as quickly as I could and left, but not before this man tried to reference me as being on his side.

I made it clear he should just shut up.  And I'm sorry, but I just don't agree with him on a personal level.  I am not deeply offended, merely slightly annoyed.  Additionally he started to ask if anyone hadn't had sex before, or if anyone in the room was a virgin.  As though having seen a naked person qualifies one to see all naked people, or having seen one naked person suddenly I have no qualms seeing anyone naked.  There are plenty of people who I think would benefit from wearing a burqa.  Anyway, catty comments aside, I merely expressed my distaste which I wouldn't have done if no one had tried to say I was "cool" and I left the room with a bad taste in my mouth for the whole thing.