Why Do I Care Project X?

In spite of my age, in spite of having a very satisfying job and life, and in spite of feeling successful and what one could call 'attractive' somewhere in the middle on a scale of the elephant man to Gisele Bündchen, I still find myself sometimes sad and downtrodden about my body image.  The recent movie, Project X, is a childish celebration of teenage debauchery apparently, and movie critics rate it as less sophisticated than the hangover series... I guess it got a few points above the Jackass series for featuring more aesthetically pleasing flesh art in the background.  Even though I can make an effort and get dolled up for an evening, I feel like in the day I return to being the average-bodied and far from glamorous though decent looking girl at work.  So I feel a vast disconnect with the movie, me personally.  Therefore looking up images from the movie, I think:

 Project X girls partying

 Me at a Small Fourth of July Party

But even though I feel like I don't measure up, Project X is not reality, and I didn't go see the movie... so why is it bothering me?  Because my boyfriend went to see it, and before he did so, when we saw the previews for it he clearly got excited, and afterwards he was extolling its 'virtues' (okay really he just said it was "pretty good").  And sure, it's just a movies thing, but it honestly haunts my psyche... I did not go to very many high school or college parties, and it becomes easy to let Hollywood tell you how those parties were.

I may have not gone because of my relatively later in life involvement with alcohol, and my early pretty much self-imposed curfew that I followed without much of a fight or many attempts to sneak out, but through the lens of movies like Project X, I didn't go to these parties because I didn't associate with the right people and wasn't invited to do so because I didn't have a drop dead gorgeous face, or the right hip to waist ratio... Looking up the movie reviews, Project X is "pure hedonism without consequences" - Melissa Anderson of The Village Voice - and even on some sad levels mixed in with misogyny-cultivating behaviors... so why would I be happy my boyfriend enjoyed this movie?

I suppose it's just a sad reflection of the fragility of some parts of my self confidence also.  I mean, it's not like he's leaving me on the curb to go chase this stupid dream.  He even told me that's all it is, just Hollywood.  But that isn't really any consolation.  When Hollywood panders to women it's for them to get married or be self-satisfied career women and when Hollywood panders to men it's with not one, but multiple hot "babes" all apparently size 0 or generously endowed and between the ages of 18 and 24.

Women?  We get to appreciate the value of the 'funny guy' and the endearment of the guy we banished to the friend zone who turns out to be 'the one.'  It's not like I could go indulge my sorrows in a movie of some geeky or goofy looking women I could relate to enjoying all sorts of muscular, athletic men vying for their attention. Men?  They can watch any action flick and see hot women in strappy tanks, v-necks, with mini-skirts, boob brushes, asses outlined, a full body camera pan, and a sultry voice tell our hero (whether he is attractive or not) how important he is to the plot, and then they turn an action packed corner and get it again from a barely distinguishable girl.  How could I not love mainstream media?  I need to take a film class.

And I don't know if I'm angry or if I'm just insecure... either way, those images from the movie aren't me and I'm not going to desperate lengths to mold myself to that image, but I think I am just terrified of judging myself by those standards.  If it's all in good fun, why does it matter so much?  First, in my reaction, why is it so strong?  Second, in the effort the producers:  I mean why spend so much money on women to portray those roles in movies?  And beyond movies, why does a book like "The Game:  Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists" have so many avid readers?  Why is it acceptable for these men to play on the insecurities of women, to ply back possibly hard-earned self-esteem to get what they want?  There might be such thing as a gold digger, but I can assure you she didn't make the rich snob feel like he couldn't get another hot young thing.  I'm sure he didn't feel insecure in his ability to attract another money-sniffing playboy bunny.  And when you hear about male exotic dancers, no one says they are out there doing it because of mommy issues, like they do about strippers and daddy issues.  I don't know what I'm accomplishing by writing this post, except trying to analyze and vent my very real if very uncalled for reaction.

Everyone is Valuable, Right?

Why why why why why why why is this so difficult for me to grasp?

Our class speaker for graduation was Major General Luis R. Visot and he emphasized the importance of respecting everyone, or how everyone contributes.  This Army is a team effort, so on and so forth...

Yet I am consumed from the inside out with contempt for some people!  Even when I see the good they contribute, could acknowledge it, label it, commend it (succinctly), and praise it (reluctantly), I still find a fireball of dislike for those individuals.  Even if I can keep my mouth shut around them, I still find them slinky, annoying, cloying, lying, cowardly, unintelligent, and overall defunct and lacking.  I find it difficult to believe the Army has any trouble at all finding people to label as below center of mass, needs vast improvement... one might even say immeasurable improvement impossible to achieve before the next promotion.

Okay... deep breath.
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So... in spite of this tirade against any and all disgusting, miserable carcasses filling uniforms (and filling them quite tightly if you know what I mean *cough cough, tape test*) ... I recognize this sort of intolerance and short temper does nothing to help myself or the Army.

Now I want to be clear I have nothing against the large boned or slow learning.  What I do have an issue with are people who are so wrapped up in their cowardice and low self esteem that they do more harm than good to an organization overall.  If you have the moral courage to improve yourself than I respect and admire you.  I have in my heart an overall good intent.  I do not wish to sabotage or attack people who are working hard to achieve goals.  I want myself to be kinder, run more, be stronger, think faster, speak more languages more fluently, lead better, and be more at peace with myself and the world... but I expect the same drive and motivation from others even if it's in different measures.

I find peers who are too scared to say anything the worst of all.  It is easy to tell a subordinate to fix something; I would go a step further and say it is your job.  It is difficult to tell a supervisor to fix minor things, but there are clearly outlined methods of dealing with more weighty problems.  It is a very difficult thing to deal with a peer, and it is very obvious if you are afraid of a peer.  Suffice to say, during the 12 weeks at TBOLC, I dealt with and saw a very sorry individual for whom I have very little respect left.  Not only did they assault my ears with the pitch of their complaints at every single turn, not only did they fail time and time again when pressure was on, but they managed to do so while convincing themselves that they had personal courage!  The personal courage to get into a fight with someone that everyone liked and respected and who certainly shouldn't have had to waste two seconds of time on a spineless prat like this individual (and no, not me, I burned a nice handful of bridges).  The reason I am writing anything at all about this person is because I believe that they have the best chance of progression of the few people I had very low respect for.  The others were self-sabotaging or had so little ambition as to make them harmless to the organization overall.  This person that I am talking about has done three things:  be horrible and hopeless at any real charisma or leadership, be in utter and total denial of the problems in the way of them improving his or herself, and finally (and possibly most importantly to being included here) has managed to personally get involved in my affairs in a somewhat distant and unrelated manner.  I can tolerate - in a gritted teeth won't write about it sort of way - many things... but for certain trespasses there is no other recourse than for me to swear constant vigilance if ever an opportunity to reduce this person's toxic influence comes my way.  I wouldn't go out of my way to do anything, it's just not worth any effort on my part... but I will remember the character of this sort of person and it will play a part into any decisions made in the future that may regard said individual.

With all the nudge-nudge, head-pointing, cough-coughing suggestion of the above post, I believe I can rest a little easier.  Sure physical fighting would be a much more satisfying outlet, but the person I am thinking of recoils so easily from a verbal confrontation, I know they would most likely faint at the suggestion of a quick 2-minute wrestling brawl.

Back to MG Visot's suggestion... seeing the good in everyone.  Is it possible?  Yes, I suppose I could wrap up this post that the aforementioned individual was adequate at physical fitness, and that they probably won't commit any war crime wittingly... so it is a start to being a decent human being.  I could admit that they gave me endless possible use to my sarcastic attacks, which has been both amusing and a good exercise for when I need a quick prod or poke for anyone of a similar nature who I meet down the line.  They have also given me a taste of how much I will need to bite my tongue when the feelings of disdain rise up to the levels they have in the past 12 weeks.  So, it wasn't a total loss.

There were a lot of good people in my class.  A majority of them were good Soldiers.  A majority of them that I didn't get along with were good leaders.  They will take care of their own Soldiers and uphold the main tenants of the Warrior Ethos.  I know this blog could have focused on that instead, and for that I'll make a mental note that I feel better as a person when I focus on the good.  I really do hope that the people who worry me when it comes to taking care of Soldiers will get mentored.  I also genuinely hope if they cannot be mentored they will be sifted out of the Army.  I have a lot of respect for the institution overall.  I only wish it were fully integrated when it came to gender.

Hopefully my next post will be a slight bit nicer.  But then again, my blog is about sadness, anger, or determined hope.  I know the other feelings don't necessarily help me, but I cannot help how much they flow into my life.  I can only try to exorcise the influence they have on my treatment of other people.  I hope that I can treat people - all people - more kindly in the future because then I might suffer less from people who don't know how to deal with aggression and sarcasm.  In spite of my own sharp tongue being a double-edged sword, I am at least secure in my ability to be insulted, pushed around, and aggressively challenged and still move forward.  I am not someone who has tried to surround myself in sickeningly sweet marshmallow padding and then laughs too loudly at mere comments and jokes that break my heart and self confidence.  I am strong, but I need to learn how to relate to more people.  I need to learn sympathy, kindness, and mercy.  I am certain I need to learn forgiveness as well... but it's a lesson I am too proud to approach at the moment.

Seriously... Whiskey Tango Foxtrot

I also wish my life was more organized.  I have to take care of some things for this TBOLC and I just don't know when I'll have the time... which isn't entirely true, but it's in between socializing that I'll have to do these things.  I'm just frustrated and tired and trying to tolerate idiotic behavior from otherwise decent people.  And I'm trying to learn from and exemplify the maturity to know when to let go of a fight not worth fighting.  It's definitely important to learn to hold a neutral expression while dealing with someone you hold in contempt, and I value that lesson because it's my weakness.

But my strength is in my stupid will to fight, and fight, and keep fighting no matter how impossible the goal seems.  It's in my inability to be close and socialize much with people I cannot truly respect.  When circumstance deems necessary, I can bite the bullet and make it through the evening, but I don't consider it a weakness to be alone when the alternative makes me want to scream.  I know I've been talking a lot about wanting to scream, but I don't mind because I know my limits. I won't break, when worse comes to worse, I'll just shake a little.  Too much is at stake, namely my pride and my reputation.  I've got to have enough humility to maintain that pride, and I've got to hold my tongue to keep a reputation of being only intense as opposed to overly emotional and unreliable.

I know that and while here it has not been a major problem, I know in my heart how my past is not far behind enough yet for me to drop my guard (and probably never will be).  Tomorrow we've got another exam, and I have to study, but not before I get out some venting, and some pointless, meaningless expression to calm my anger and steady my hand.  Sometimes it seems like everything is peachy-keen until the un-f***ing-thinkable just blindsides you and you're reeling in your head while outwardly you just laugh awkwardly and try to think how to deflect such a sucker punch.  Folks open themselves to injury and it's in their insecurity they strike out against everyone.  So much insecurity and posturing makes me tense and defensive.  Whatever.  Just... whatever.

Socializing Should be Easier

So today I got to go on a zip line adventure... it was great! A little work out - nothing too strenuous - and a chance to feel a little tough. I want to get into rock climbing also. As there are places to be taught the skill, I could start there and move on once I found a group around my skill level, and it would be motivation to stay in shape and get out every once and a while.

I also got my hiking boots in a package recently and that's also calling me... the weather still isn't bad but even when it starts to get chilly I've got a nice fleece and a good jacket... I'm ready enough and there are people around here who are in better shape than I am. They would be great people to go hiking with!

…which brings me to my next point sometimes I am not a people person. It's just frustrating for me to be around a large group of people a handful of who are loud and obnoxiously so. It doesn't really matter how many of them are loud and obnoxious, it just makes me wonder whose parents didn't teach them volume control when they were younger. And I mean when I am repeating myself three or four times in a row to relay one sentence of a story I start to lose interest in telling the story at all. Except that whoever you're talking to will - after they've loudly shouted over your sentence - look at you with innocent expectancy, as though they really want to hear what you've got to say. And it's not even that important of a story and it doesn't really matter and I don't really feel like talking at all anymore. Then I look like the snippy person in the corner, which isn't my intent and I just want to retreat and get away from the whole situation.

It doesn't help to be watching train wrecks in progress. It's great and all to socialize, but sometimes I feel like it should be easier. Like if some people didn't get too loud it would be all the more pleasant. I'm not one to 'shush' a crowd, in fact I think that's rude, but I can't help but wince and roll my eyes at someone who feels like what they have to say is so important they have to talk louder than everyone else in the room; or someone who says subtly demeaning things to or about others to make himself look better. I just wanna kick a person like that in the chest especially when others start mimicking the scapegoat-ery of such a subtly scummy person. Not that either of those sheep are that intimidating either, just shooting them a look after they try to jump on a bandwagon like that and they usually have a fleeting look of guilt or embarrassment. And catching that fleeting look makes me feel a little bit better. It's just the guy shows no sign of knowing he’s doing anything wrong. He may not be bad at heart, but he just injects the room with a vibe I don't really like. And maybe I'm coming from a conservative background in this category, and maybe it's a mood brought on by Benadryl wearing off on an evening where I've got to do some work, but either way I hope I haven't offended anyone - too badly anyway. Burning bridges is something too easy for me to do as my past only shows.

Makes No Sense

So today this is word for word what occurred.  We have a large classroom at the ALU, and there are more boys than women in class, so the boys stayed in the classroom and changed.  Not a bad decision, I have no issue with that, and I even believe that makes perfect sense.

However, after the inspection I was in that same classroom to get my stuff.  I was not trying to change or prohibit anyone from changing.  A peer of mine was complaining that the guys got the classroom to change in.  I can see how it's annoying, but personally it's not a battle worth fighting.  It is not these gentlemen's fault the layout or composition of our class and building...

...I do not, however, appreciate dumb comments.  To be honest, I may just have less patience than others when it comes to toleration of the stupid, but that didn't make this next part any less irritating to me.  And yes a lack of sleep didn't help, but still.  One man insisted on announcing - as he removed his shirt - that he was going to change and the women who didn't want to see better leave!  First of all, of all the men I could have died peacefully having never seen even half-naked, he was in the top ten percent.  Second of all, it was not a locker room!  I could see his point as valid if the room was at the very least sealed off, but the doors have little windows!  Now while his argument held some validity when spoken so brazenly to his peers, would it have held if a civilian had walked into the room to ask about travel vouchers?  Would it have held if someone's daughter or wife had walked by and seen a group of men half-clad in ASUs and ACUs?  No, the plain and simply - and maybe unfortunate - answer is that his argument would have fallen on deaf ears.  It's just not wise to get half-nekkid in a room with a window that no one was bothering to cover up.  It may have been allowed and nothing may have happened but the chance was there.  Personally, I picked up my belongings as quickly as I could and left, but not before this man tried to reference me as being on his side.

I made it clear he should just shut up.  And I'm sorry, but I just don't agree with him on a personal level.  I am not deeply offended, merely slightly annoyed.  Additionally he started to ask if anyone hadn't had sex before, or if anyone in the room was a virgin.  As though having seen a naked person qualifies one to see all naked people, or having seen one naked person suddenly I have no qualms seeing anyone naked.  There are plenty of people who I think would benefit from wearing a burqa.  Anyway, catty comments aside, I merely expressed my distaste which I wouldn't have done if no one had tried to say I was "cool" and I left the room with a bad taste in my mouth for the whole thing.

So Frustrating You Want to Scream!

I know what I'm about to say is unoriginal, but the umpteenth time a question is addressed to a group of people says something to the inefficiency of the system being used to keep track of whether the question is being answered.  I do not need to waste another 5 minutes of my time - every time - we're in a group setting.  Because with formation before class, class at 0815, then questions after lunch, and right before we leave, we're losing at least 20 minutes... to one - ONLY one - of the stupid repetitive questions being posed before us.  Having no stake in the questions being asked for the thousandth time, I am more than frustrated up to here - insert violent hand gesture around neck area - with these time wasters of topics of discussion.

In addition to asking people with important relatives to fess up already, I think I've been asked a million times if I'm still getting paid, if I understand Travel Vouchers, if I am really sure I've signed up to take TBOLC.  The information is regurgitated and chewed and regurgitated again... slowly and steadily losing all semblance of taste or import.  I don't care Treasurer/Finance guy if you have an announcement!  I don't care News and Weather team if you want to have your 5 minutes of attention focused on you!  Just get to the point and let us go... my patience is thin and my fuse is short today.  All I need is my zero-balance lease for my Travel Voucher and God grant me the patience to get through the day without assaulting anyone... if I lay hands on anyone today I will burn bridges and create a lifelong enemy.  Hopefully this entry was therapeutic and I won't be responsible for hurting limbs or feelings later...

Seriously?

I wish I had as much inspiration to write my research papers as I do to write about how much I can't wait to move out of west point.  While it has been an interesting and fun four years, there is also just a general frustrating edge to having to share one room with another person or two people.  And the impressions you leave are long-lasting and frustrating.  One ex-roomy told me the other morning how much she hated my old fan.  I am still at a loss why she hated it, it was a free fan I'd picked up it was functional, I don't remember it... I didn't realize she expected me to spring for a new one.

Recently I've been getting the silent treatment for apparently wasting the day by sleeping.  Again, I am confused.  How does my sleeping ruin your day?  Why won't you just tell me?  What does it matter?  I'm still in shape and still get my work done... I just like sleep.  It's my life and prerogative... or sorry about that I don't have a boyfriend to spend 80% of my time with or a hefty social network with mentors and former instructors who whisk me away on brunches on Sunday or to go shopping with on a Thursday afternoon.  Gee, my bad.  Let me get to work on my schedule, do you wanna run an eye over it?  Ya know I'd hate to be falling short of the productivity expectations you apparently have for me.

Had it to Here

I realized today that guys can be crummy (or wonderful) whether they like you or not.  And sometimes in a place like the one I'm in you try to overlook how bad a guy can make you feel and that's not the right answer.  Just because he is the majority and you don't want to rock the boat doesn't justify his actions towards you.  And so many guys harbor this unsettling and low on the radar hostility for women because there seems to be the unspoken fear that women have the upper hand here.  And that doesn't make this place unique, there are all sorts of male-dominated fields where being a woman can subject you to "tokenism" meaning that, due to the low representation you have in field, how you perform goes under the knife and everyone dissects it peeling back layers and over analyzing the consequences of your actions.  It's enough to make any woman a little stressful.  It's enough to make a woman want to mitigate the magnification of her mistakes.

I don't mean to sound bitter or disgruntled.  But even when one tries to make me see the bright side, don't tell me I should be quietly and overwhelmingly “grateful” for a country that historically grudgingly paid for the education of my kind -- women -- at the best institution in the world (because originally it was argued that women shouldn’t be allowed into west point because a majority of west point graduates went combat arms and that wasn’t for women anyway so it wasn’t “necessary” for women to be at west point).  They will let me die for my country but will dictate to me how I should go about training up to avoid such death since after all it was MacArthur who said, "You don't win wars by dying for your country you win wars by making the other son of a bitch die for his"  The Army with it's brass ceiling… and if I ever reach high ranks you think people won't malign my name?

America is highly advanced… but ignoring her flaws out of patriotism isn't the right thing to do.

But all this annoyed talk isn't the vent of a jaded young woman, rather this is the talk of a revolutionary.  I am open and ready for rejection.  I carry on.  Our story, the story of women in the military wouldn't be as interesting if we were given every advantage in the field.  In fact sometimes I am exhilarated by the fact that every compliment and acknowledgment I get in this job is hard-earned against the odds in many ways.  If there ever was a challenging situation to tackle, this would be it.  And I love challenges, hell all the women who stay in these tough and difficult situations must be gluttons for punishment!  Women are the unsung heroes of the world, and the unwept for casualties.  I recently read about misandry... the opposite of misogyny... history, the present-day, and the numbers easily reveal that the idea of man-hating while it surely exists isn't the norm.  It's just a shame when a woman hems in her fellow-woman to protect her male counterpart.  If you are free to be a housewife without limitation, and I bar you no ill will, than let me pursue my goals as a full citizen of this Nation.