Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Seriously... Whiskey Tango Foxtrot

I also wish my life was more organized.  I have to take care of some things for this TBOLC and I just don't know when I'll have the time... which isn't entirely true, but it's in between socializing that I'll have to do these things.  I'm just frustrated and tired and trying to tolerate idiotic behavior from otherwise decent people.  And I'm trying to learn from and exemplify the maturity to know when to let go of a fight not worth fighting.  It's definitely important to learn to hold a neutral expression while dealing with someone you hold in contempt, and I value that lesson because it's my weakness.

But my strength is in my stupid will to fight, and fight, and keep fighting no matter how impossible the goal seems.  It's in my inability to be close and socialize much with people I cannot truly respect.  When circumstance deems necessary, I can bite the bullet and make it through the evening, but I don't consider it a weakness to be alone when the alternative makes me want to scream.  I know I've been talking a lot about wanting to scream, but I don't mind because I know my limits. I won't break, when worse comes to worse, I'll just shake a little.  Too much is at stake, namely my pride and my reputation.  I've got to have enough humility to maintain that pride, and I've got to hold my tongue to keep a reputation of being only intense as opposed to overly emotional and unreliable.

I know that and while here it has not been a major problem, I know in my heart how my past is not far behind enough yet for me to drop my guard (and probably never will be).  Tomorrow we've got another exam, and I have to study, but not before I get out some venting, and some pointless, meaningless expression to calm my anger and steady my hand.  Sometimes it seems like everything is peachy-keen until the un-f***ing-thinkable just blindsides you and you're reeling in your head while outwardly you just laugh awkwardly and try to think how to deflect such a sucker punch.  Folks open themselves to injury and it's in their insecurity they strike out against everyone.  So much insecurity and posturing makes me tense and defensive.  Whatever.  Just... whatever.

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