Thursday, October 6, 2011

A Walking Paradox

I'm frustrated and happy at the same time.  While TBOLC has been a good experience so far, and there's so many people to learn to get along with... it's also just simply coinciding with the next level of my self-development.  I want to do the right thing, but also play to my strengths.  I want to learn people better, but also increase my tolerance for traits I generally find annoying.

I think dealing with others is still difficult, and that maybe I should talk about that less.  I need my outlets... artistic expression isn't always enough when the feelings are bigger than a sheet of paper and too complex for words.  And when I have this nagging feeling I cannot put a finger on... I cannot help but be agitated and worried.  What am I forgetting?  What am I missing?

And sometimes - as in my last post - I want to scream, and sometimes I want to retreat like a little hermit crab.  But I've held my ground thus far, and so I'll keep on... but it feels awfully lonely in spite of my relatively strong network of support.  I feel supported by, but not necessarily close to, anyone.  And I wonder if these feelings are like that of any individual human being who in his or her private moments wonders why no one is there.  Is this why faith exists?  Because there is not exactly a single human consciousness, so in that unique moment where you are feeling absolutely singular you can turn to some greater power whether real or imaginary and draw strength.  Or I guess, as I usually do, just wait a little and the feeling passes.  Still, a trifle to one man is a tragedy to another.

I say wait... but wait is the wrong word.  It's merely holding on until the feeling passes.  Time for us, as far as we can perceive, only goes one way.  In the sense of time, you aren't really waiting only always moving forward.  We can only time travel in our minds' eyes and those are faulty tools.  A friend explained to me that abstract art, the big blocks of color that at first glance seem incomprehensible, are actually more true to how we perceive the world around us than pictures in great detail.

This makes so much sense when you think of how you look at the world.  Rarely do you stop and really take in a whole scene.  It's well impossible anyway because you don't look at the world with blinders on.  So besides when you are focused on some small section and taking in minor details - like the tiny flourishes on Times New Roman - you generally see the world in similar blocks and random shapes that your brain automatically finishes in your mind to give you an idea of your surroundings.  Even your peripheral vision is being automatically completed.  This explains so much, for instance why IMAX movies can still make you dizzy when you think that you whip your head much faster than the camera is panning, but you're not in sharp focus the whole time.  Or why witnesses get so many details wrong.

So right now my emotional life is that abstract.  I see the shapes, and I am getting a feeling, but the reason eludes me at the moment.  I guess gotta get back to class.  Lates.

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