Monday, November 21, 2011

Why I am Bad at Trivia

So in the wake of all these revelations and epiphanies that others have great tips for me to self-improve...

...I am also realizing the value of true self-confidence and self-comfort.  Though it is great to have gotten a lot of insight from friends, and it is important to continue to do so, there comes a time when a young woman must be able to make a decision - a poor one even - and take a deep breath and consult no one and think to herself that was the correct thing to do in spite of repercussions.  And unless this decision violates state or federal law, I think that it is important to embrace these slipshod decisions when they are made with deliberation and consideration.

I am not going to be able to do everything perfectly, and I realized today I over-apologize.  Often I am apologizing for not knowing things I've never been taught to do.  Occasionally, I'm just embarrassed to not know or not have paid attention to some random fact or skill.  This is why most of the time I'm horrible at trivia, I love big ideas or Pictionary, but ask me to repeat a simple fact and I am terrible.  I do know a bit more nature trivia than the average individual but it seems everything else - especially history and pop culture - eludes me.

So today I made a poor decision, but it was after a lot of deliberation and an ignorance to the alternatives.  I brought up an awkward subject, and fumbled a lot with it, and wandered and became vague and meandering.  I really do hate that about myself.  When I am being proud and just trying to not look like a fool in a class exercise I generally pull it together and perform just fine.  When I am trying to ask a close friend something personal and potentially sensitive I seem to lose all common sense, fire, and confidence.  Who am I to ask such a deeply personal question?  Haven't I overstepped the bounds of the relationship to dare to ask about this?  And it's this hesitation in the doorway that really sabotages myself.  I really have improved on not blowing up in my personal relationships since... exactly one year ago... but I haven't gotten quite used to discussing a whole range of things with someone I'm close to.  I tend to want to stick with the good and when the bad comes around I think that I've done something wrong as opposed to accept that everything can't be great all the time.  And then there's my impatience to want to fix it... sigh... gotta just learn to let go sometimes.  It's not worth holding on to all the tension!

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