Tuesday, November 15, 2011

The Momentary Motivation was Wonderful, now Confusion Ensues

If I could rest these weary arms from holding up these weapons, don't you think I would?

Some poetic words to describe my tired and confused feelings.  I am trying my very hardest to not sound whiny.  It is near impossible, but half of this battle is lowering my general self-consciousness.  The thing that calms me is that none of my faults and worries, anxieties or concerns, are so detrimental to my performance as to interfere with my ability to perform at a damn near excellent level professionally.

I am not the kind of person to freeze in front of a crowd and it's not like I'm a total social hermit.  I just have a different point of view on certain things.  And I'm intense, yes, and I should work on a couple things, and yes, blah blah blah.  Got it.  Tracking.  Roger.

Moving on?

I'm not trying to be in denial or dismiss what I'd like to work on more actively, but I'm also in no mood to be scolded.  Enough is enough.  Alright, you got someone to admit a very real flaw about themselves.  Awesome, and I'll have thick enough skin to develop myself from the honest third-party point of view.  Period.  I'm not done visiting the subject for myself, but I am not going to dismiss all my successes because I have this very real weakness.  And I know that's not what peers are trying to say.  If anything, nearly all of them say nothing, because it's rare to be close enough to me to even try to broach the subject.  And that in itself is frustrating about regular social interactions.  But with a couple new lenses with which to study life itself, maybe I can get past that... it's part of the process.  This confusing altogether overwhelming process that I hear goes on your entire life.  Ai dios mio...

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