Thursday, November 17, 2011

Caught Between Being One of the Guys and a Woman

It is difficult for me to figure out where I belong, I have a lot of artistic desires and qualities.  And by artistic I don't mean my drawing which is only average for the time being, and I'm not a trained anything really, but I have tendencies and desires.  Anyway, the point being, I'm not in an artistic community, I'm in the military community.  And I don't want to be one of the guys, but I'd like to be the kind of person who can go out with the guys.  Yet... as I get older (so slowly, I know!) I feel like it's difficult to go out with the guys and not be considered one of them.  It's as though when they realize you are a woman all of sudden it's a complicated mess that reeks of the When Harry Met Sally argument that men and women can't be friends.  So I've been staying in and just sort of rolling these thoughts around.  My situation of course is - and will probably always be - unique, at least in the military.  It doesn't help that I'm trying to figure out who I am, and in addition to being strong-willed, I'm a little wild and a little sensitive.  I don't have a lot of girlfriends, and that's just thanks to past events.  I'm not saying I've been a victim, but I've been in situations I didn't fully understand just what I did to contribute to them, and so it's a bit of a process to make new friends who are women.  Yet men are not exactly the most trustworthy of creatures... and in a man's world it is important to be able to maintain an arm's distance without being perceived as cold and standoffish.  It is a difficult lesson for me, and I feel like I'm getting so many lessons in social environs at the moment it's almost a headache.  I think it's stressful to just be comprehending this for me.  Yet I persist and I know I will find out how to improve my interactions with colleagues and friends alike.  It's not that in the last few years I haven't built some strong relationships with women, but they are further and farther apart, sometimes a half a world away - literally.  I turn to them electronically, but I am trying to better decipher these relationships as they present themselves to me wherever I am.

So, onward... ever onward.  On a quiet evening in, singing made up lyrics to real songs and trying to sew.

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