Monday, April 20, 2009


I am having a little trouble right now. I am not yet confirmed into the Catholic religion. Someone made a point the other day (since I was agonizing over it again) they said,

"It's not that big a deal."

Which isn't true for me. I think it is a big deal because it means to me that I am committing to Catholicism, and I don't know if I want that. There is a certain aspect of Catholicism that I love, and that is the reservation of the importance of the Virgin Mary. She is on a high pedestal for many Catholics, and we have a prayer for her. I don't know all the intrinsic details of our worship of her, but I do know I appreciate the importance we give to her.

On the other hand though, women can't be priests, which I don't understand. Additionally, I have issues with several political issues the church stands for. I love parts of it, but not all of it. I am trying to educate myself to make a decision that is based on my knowledge and spiritual belief.

If I don't believe, how can I worship? How can I even sit down and pray? If I don't believe in anything I feel like there is a need I am not filling inside of me. I want to answer these gnawing question inside of me... what is there besides this mortal life?

Do plants and animals have souls?
Is there a devil?
What happens when we die?
Are miracles the result of spiritual energy or scientific anomaly?

I often wonder about the spiritual side, and sometimes find myself looking at my emotional side. A religion I could confidently believe in and educate myself about and practice without hesitation would be the stabilizer in my life... the sweet and higher distraction that was self-developmental.

I am on a journey to figure out what I should do. I am strongly influenced by family when it comes to this decision. My grandmother was a Catholic and always practiced religion. She even had a religious candle burning every night (fire hazard as my dad would say) and went to church every sunday and had more than one rosary and religious pictures and statuettes around the house. She believed in God, and in prayer, but I don't know if she believed in the entire system. She often told me the people who appeared the most pious could be the worst when it came to infractions against the teachings of the church.

My dad told me a long time ago to be careful about changing my religion just to fit what I wanted, since that changes over time. This is true, but it brings me to another question: are we born into the religion we were meant for? I mean, that doesn't make sense to me. I was born a lot of things I can't change... like by ethnicity, my predetermined height, my natural eye-color and hair-color, but I dont' consider my religion one of those things. When you can't internally tell yourself, "Yes, I believe." then are you really... I just don't think... I don't think I'm ready to be confirmed Catholic yet. Since I'm not confirmed, you could argue I'm not really Catholic. I'm in limbo... purgatory so to speak. I don't know if I want to take that next step. This has really been weighing on my mind since my roommate was baptized, received her first holy communion, and got confirmed this easter.

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