Monday, January 9, 2012

Life Plans Dashed Against the Ceiling

I've been feeling like lying down and staring at the ceiling.  I don't want to sleep.  Why I feel like my life plans are dashed against the ceiling is just the result of my nature.  I can never let sleeping dogs lie.  Right before significant events in my life I have to fight, have to cry out, and have to make my stand.  I cannot wait for more peaceful moments.  I can always blame the stressors in my life:  having guests, not being fully signed out, not having a car, and suddenly feeling "trapped" and like an inconvenience.  These are all factors in my current crisis.  And although I know I am 'catastrophizing' I am able to see for the first time with slightly clearer vision that I am not the sole wrong-doer.  I put other people on the spot with my ill-timed fits, but it tells me volumes about themselves.  The problem isn't with the individuals who I hold in contempt, it is with the mutual friends we have.  The people that I care about, in many ways, I care too deeply about what they think of me and how they live their lives.  I don't want them to be taken advantage of, and I don't want to feel like I am treading on their happiness or trespassing on their peace.  I would rather walk out of peoples' lives than ruin them, I just can't seem to learn the art of quietly bowing out.  Instead I toss the lighter over my shoulder and light the bridge (and fifty gallons of gasoline) on fire walking away from the subsequent explosion.

So what, you may ask, is the event?  Tomorrow is graduation from Transportation Basic Officer Leadership Course (TBOLC).  Fifty-five members of my class will show up between 0800 and 0830 at the Transportation School and seat themselves in an auditorium to be recognized for the 12 week feat.  It's an accomplishment, but not exactly the high point of a military career.  It's sorta like getting a 75% on your drivers' test.  You have proven you can pass... which the same could be said of the Doctor who got C's in med school, but med school is slightly more difficult and mentally demanding than Transportation BOLC.

It's not that I'm not happy to be done; in fact, I have a great big bubble of relief rising up in me waiting to burst when we are released tomorrow and we can scatter to the four corners of the world for a nice break from each other.  I know the Transportation Corps is small.  The Army is small, and the Transportation Corps is the third smallest branch in the Army.  It would be foolish to imagine not running into peers down the road.

With deployments decreasing though, it is becoming less likely to run into the Reservists and National Guard Officers.  I know... that I won't know until I get more experience, but I suspect I may not be on a regular career path.  I have plans that are outside the left and right limits of most people.  It's not arrogant to say this because a brief conversation or 12 weeks of observation would reveal this about me.

Now I am just eager to get away from everyone.  The feelings of dread and anxiety have built up enough that I just want to be alone in my apartment.  I have no such solace at the moment, though.  I have lashed out at my closest friend here for forgetting me and failing to account for me in his schedule.  I am hurt, and I am confused, and I am not acting very rationally.  I know I should be grateful for his efforts to help me.  Instead I am so upset he is taking me for granted, and so flustered he is throwing my schedule and personal plans askew, that I decided to choose tonight to yell at him about a guy who has been (intentionally or not) antagonizing me.  You might ask why it is his fault.  It's not.  But when I start my tirade about offenses I took personally, I am looking for a fight.  I didn't finish explaining myself I just waited for him to oppose me, and then I started to give him the silent treatment.  Worst time ever to do this!  Yet even now I cannot stop yet.  I had some valid reasons for what I did, I just explained and acted on those reasons in the worst way ever.  Now tomorrow I have graduation madness.  I wonder if I will ever have a drama-free culminating event.

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