Yet, looking at my emotional patterns and the things I've written from this blog to my journals: I am more sad, less grateful, and less personable than a lot of people. I want to improve some of this, but some of it I want to embrace. That I don't have a sing-song lilt to my voice when I address people has never bothered me before, but now I hear myself trying to emulate this to sound more friendly. It's false on my lips.
Some things I enjoy because they drive me, I have been leaving on the side. I haven't been able to get through the first story/chapter of Band of Sisters. I haven't been studying languages for the last 12 weeks. Yesterday I managed to get halfway through a German lesson before heading to bed for the urinalysis that began at 0400 this morning. I managed 30 mL by 0600, I am a shy pisser. I haven't been in touch with my good friend "Sunny" who always saw the best side of me. I wasn't able to find out why one of my friends went to the foreign country she is now in, and I don't know for how long.
I'm supposed to make my "positive" list from yesterday and it goes like this:
- One of the women in my class who I enjoy the company of gave me a piece of Dove chocolate and a sip of her Cappuccino yesterday; it was a great pick-me-up.
- A friend and I compared our 24-Strength List and read it in reverse as a 'weakness' list. It was very funny. I enjoy laughing.
- I read about the Army World Class Athlete Program in the Army Times about the Army wrestlers who qualified for the Olympic Trials. One woman, Iris Smith, won the 158.5lb weight class. I haven't been keeping up with Women's Wrestling and the Summer Olympics are coming up!
I've got to remember who I am also. I'm not a sweetheart from a large family who is a good "people" person. I'm the youngest, I tend to be self-centered, and I like individual events even though I like socializing. My close friends are generally more somber and serious individuals (who when we go out, still know how to have fun of course!). They might be more subdued and less exuberantly buoyant... but they mean a lot to me, and their affection means more to me than from someone who is as extrovertedly kind to everyone. Those people are great, don't get me wrong, I am learning to appreciate and admire the excellent way I see them appeal to everyone's taste. They are wonderful for certain tasks, but there are many ways to contribute to the world and mine is not that way.