Nothing is as motivating and as potentially heartbreaking as hoping you have found someone to share hard work, personal and career goals, and a drink on the rare nights when the two of you are together somewhere with a chance to be alone. If I can just keep my expectations reasonable I might bridge an unexpected gap and keep a friend who has qualities I admire. He is more friendly, more upbeat, and more positive, but he does have a darker side. Decisions that I shun or uncomfortably try to ignore, and are - quite frankly - none of my damn business.
Though I find it difficult to trust people, that's no excuse for judging them too quickly on their personal life choices. I struggle so much to just accept others; and often try to overlook my own glaring flaws. I wish I had an invisible friend who could calmly and non-judgmentally ask me why I am bothered by someones' asinine behavior, or fecklessness, or tactlessness, or carelessness and recklessness. I frequently find myself measuring someone else up and writing them off. I wish I could be more careless and reckless, and I am strangled by jealousy when I see a free soul, even a fool.
Freedom eludes me, it runs through my fingers like sand. I want to not care what others think of me! I want to have freedom from society's constraints! And unfortunately I see no way to do this presently. I end my inner cry for freedom with silent and internal weeping locked in my mental blocks. I still care too much, I still put too much of my well-being in anothers' hands. I thought I'd learned to stop. Yet the cycle repeats itself. Good intentions or not, I will never ever put myself in this situation again. I don't care how long it takes, how much hard work, how much loneliness or how high I must lift my chin and stare unblinking into the judgmental cacophony of the world... and this isn't pride! I do not think I am above anyone or everyone! I am not trying to be any one's enemy! I am trying to throw off mental shackles that make me someone I am not. I would like to be the free and happy woman that I am when I am fully occupied with my goals and career, and the same woman who makes adult decisions that she accepts because she has the freedom to stretch her imagination and take risks from which occasionally she will be burnt.
And this hopefully includes a partner... all partner decisions aside, I am pretty positive I have found another friend to add to my support network. So far I have a few very good friends who have started to help me grow and learn, but none yet in the Officer Corps. I have friends who I can turn to for help even in the Army, but no mentor or partner in the traditional Army career path of an Officer. But thankfully, maybe through this blog, I have come a little closer to acceptance and a little closer to seeing that all my harsh judgment is really an attempt of my inner conscience to be more free and accepting of the me that I hold back. A me that takes higher risks and isn't eaten up with anxiety all the time. A happier me that will hopefully help me on my way to my goals, because what fun will it be accomplishing them if I'm too uptight to enjoy the result of my efforts?
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