I'm Proud of Where I Came From..

Haven't posted in a while, but figured it was time to.
After this essay is done for Comparative Legal Systems I can finally get down to business of getting in shape for the November NYAC tournament.

Gotta say that my motto right now is everything happens for a reason. I am not exactly thrilled at the prospect of facing all the bad things that are going to happen to me or the bad things that have happened to me so far... I've been betrayed, taken advantage of, lied to, and trodden on. I've been hurting so bad I could only laugh, the worst moment in my life and I couldn't handle it. I've loved deeply, dumbly, blindly, and been saved inadvertently by the very nature of the boys who couldn't handle me.

And I can't undo all the evil I've been responsible for... I've hurt people with my words, I've made people feel small, I've been silent when I could have, even should have, said the right thing. I've accepted defeat. I've attacked myself for every failure and I've procrastinated to the point it is unhealthy. I've been guilty of envy, sloth and pride.

But I can't wait for the future good that is going to happen. And only more can happen with the right drive, applying myself, and keeping myself focused. I think the hardest lesson for girls after they are eighteen is to learn they don't have to go out with "relatively cute good guy there is not necessarily a spark for" It's so hard to resist sometimes though. We want to be in relationships.. it's only natural. And hell it could work out, but it wouldn't be sheer happiness which is what, in my mind, it's supposed to be. So what makes me ridiculously outrageously happy now? What makes me get that look of determination and hope? What makes me babble on and on and use corny phrases and mean them? Wrestling.

So today I discovered a "grip machine" in the Pershing basement. a stick with a cord attached to a weight. That is a sign if I ever saw one. I also saw a kid working out in the basement who looked like a wrestler. I also ran 3.5 miles last week. My legs feel fine. I'm not training hard yet because of this damn essay but after that it's forgive the phrasing... balls to the walls.

Also... considering cutting my hair short again. Must check the schedule for senior pictures. Would like my picture to have an adorable braid I figured out how to do while I was in Portugal... but at the same time I think it would be a symbolic gesture. While I get lots of compliments on my hair, it's quite distracting to boys and it seems like they still can't get it through their thick heads I am quite turned off of military boys at this point.

And that's not a permanent thing, but it's a right now thing. I have met someone who I really felt a click with, and really felt for on so many levels. I think even though that didn't work, I want that sync. I want someone who can at times stay a step ahead of me, and I want someone humble enough to give me my dues when I catch him flat-footed. Ah, but I'm getting ahead of myself. I want someone I haven't met yet. In other words, if he's not around here, then I shoud use the opportunity to put my heart and soul into my goals because by accomplishing them... in between he'll show up and I'll figure out slowly that he's the one.

I guess I am also expressing my frustration with current individuals who have really taken my rejection the wrong way... they believe if they can boast prowess in all sorts of for example military, physical and/or social levels I will suddenly fall back into infatuation with them. And if there was a way to give him a mental slap in the back of the head I would. But at this point I am trying to keep my mouth shut when people won't get it.

I even caught myself today when I started to argue with my 25 year old friend who was explaining how "old" he is. Give me a break. Some of my friends in Europe were 26, 28, 29, not to mention the great rapport I've always enjoyed with my mentors. One of my pet peeves, well occasionally I use it as a source of entertainment, is when a 24-25 year old talks about the "old days". I may only be 20, and born on the wrong side of a decade to prove my age... but for crying out loud... you're only 5 years older than me! What on earth were you processing/comprehending when you were 5 years old? And if your so wise, why are you my classmate? I would respect people like that more if they didn't try to brag about it. But... I digress.

So my first crush on a good guy who handled me fairly well and with whom I have a strong friendship and don't get annoyed with... well he was good at a lot. He made friends with people he respected, he lives his life in a good way (he would say Christian, but I would say good), he was physically proficient, extremely intelligent, and had other skills as well. I'm just glad that only one guy knows that I had a thing for him, because well he doesn't understand it wasn't all those things that made me like this guy.. it was the things that nobody knew or understood about him. It was the funny, awkward, clever, argumentative, cute man underneath that proficient exterior that I liked. But boys don't get it. It's not about physical although that is definitely a plus, and where a lot of initial attraction starts.

Eh... the point is... boys are bad news right now and maybe I am gettin a pixie cut. And hopefully the blogs will start again in better strength in July. Until then, I'm out.

18 December

So I'm coming home on the 18th now and buying the tickets as soon as I read and understand my order to Germany. After that it's pretty simple. Only two more assignments this week and then it's term ends.

The end of the year isn't so bad. Just getting the finishing touches from instructors on all those term end study guides.

Ordered my ring today (the 8th of December if blogger posts this as the day after or yesterday). Spent a grand total of $198.oo on it. It was $174 for the 'celestrium' battle ring. No gold. And the stone I got is a polished piece of West Point. A piece of granite. That was it. I got the miniature so it will be small and not garrish. I'm wearing a size 5 3/4. I'm glad though because in addition to being useful this ring is making me some money. They deposit $1100 in your account to use to buy your ring. I am only using a little leaving me with $902 soon to be in my top off and safely in savings.

I have all B's and up now. This is my best year so far I think and hopefully some hard work and studying this week will mean a nice increase in academic and military rank. I have an A- militarily. Which sorta offends me, but hey if it's higher than my average I'll keep my mouth shut... right?

That's it for today finally feeling tired and need to prepare for another day of: school! followed by mind-numbing, toe-numbing drill for the parade onto the field. Damn them.

Wallow

Okay 85%, 83%, and 82% are my grades thus far in LW403, Constitutional Law. I also have roughly a chance at probably only a 70% on a tiny 50 point instructor grade for the quizzes we have online. So the more than likely 400 point TEE is what my grade rests on. If I get an amazing 100% on the TEE I can get an 89.2% in the course. Great. So even if I were to study every single day for the rest of the semester the best I can hope for is a B+? Wonderful. I have to get at least 378/400 on the TEE or a 95% to get a B+ in the course. See if I didn't know math I wouldn't be sitting her cursing myself and the heavens above because I can't pull off a B on a simple homework assignment.
Okay. I have to speed up this process of 'dealing with it' in which I'm supposed to allow myself a week to recover. I don't have a week. I need to start studying now and it's only going to go in one ear and out the other if I blow it off. Last little vent: The grades with people who have A's is sent out and today I got to see slammed in my face all the names of people who are doing so well they have A's in classes. And yes I'm sullen about it and feeling self-pity and jealously claiming that I could have A's too if I wasn't lazy. In essence the two sides of me are torn. One side of me, the non-hypocritical and common sense side is chiding myself and keeps on telling the emotional jealous and self-pitying side of myself that I spend too much time blowing off assignments and that I nap and allot too much time for just wasting time. Did I enjoy playing penguin tower defense? Yes, and these are the fruits of my efforts. I thought time and time again about my assignments and my essays especially and did I do them? I decided they could wait until the day before they were due. I stupidly also decided they could sometimes wait until a couple hours before they were due.
Deep breath. 1.... 2.... 3. Okay. Now for the bright side.

I still got a great grade in LW310 outperforming Little-Miss-I-got-an-A-because-I-have-OCD on the biggest assignment of the year. I also might have hurt my grade in LW403 because I blew off another online quiz which as I hear really pisses off instructors when you ignore them three times in a row. In my defense... I really have nothing. Oh well. I'll survive. If I do really well in LW310 than I believe I can still balance the two grades out an average a B+. The same goes for my GPA this year in that case. I still can't tell what's going to happen in PL300, Leadership. For some reason the relationship with that instructor has waned as well. I can't read everyone. I'm so sick of it right now. And the printer is empty of paper.

Perhaps I am just irritable because I have Writ #3 today and I don't feel prepared. Well time waits for no man or woman I suppose. I have to go, and to put the cherry on the pie I accidentally volunteered to help with a subject I like but haven't DONE in a year. There better be some damn good karma in store for this!

Revitalized

Something has changed. A content restlessness flows through me. It's the result of wrestling against Missouri Baptist Univ. wrestler Whitbeck and against Canadian Stewart. I was complimented by a few people at the tournament. I was noticed. It is sustaining me. It is a faint glow that might mean dawn is finally coming.

I must admit not all is well... I fought with my roommate yesterday. Besides getting creative with my curse-words, we hashed out some issues, then I swallowed a corrosive dose of pride and spoke with the girl I have harbored anger towards since she dared encroaching on my life this semester by going out with one of my friends and acting like besties with my roomie.

First my roomie and I had an argument that came to a boiling point fast, because of me. Eventually she stormed off to class and I went to buy a $1.49 coffee. Afterwards I went to this girl's room and extended an angry but determined olive branch. I was blunt. She's not a flower. On the contrary I think her sacharrine sweetness masks a terribly poisonous and manipulative person... but one who isn't worth my time. I focused on the fact that I didn't... actively dislike her. I also told her that I wasn't acting any differently towards her than any of her other classmates in my company. I was vague, but direct. I referenced her boyfriend a lot. I brought up our common points (of which there are very few), and I cut her off repeatedly. I remembered another reason I disliked her. She must always be talking. While this makes her fun if you are in the mood for witty banter, it makes her very annoying if you are trying to address her. If only like my cousin she could direct this sheer volume of talking in the direction of a cell phone... than I could afford myself valuable seconds to have some calm thoughts as opposed to frustrated ones edged with, "When you shut up I will answer!"

Either way, my roommate and I resolved our argument fairly peacefully. And I finally bridged a gap that could have been a social disaster. Nothing fatal, but potentially toxic.

I did a map check of my grades. I basically have a chance to make an A- in all of my classes for certain, with the exception of Law classes and Portuguese. Portuguese I can still make an A+ and Law I don't know because I don't know my grades for the - few - graded assignments we had.

I am getting stronger too. In spite of waking up early I did not nap after classes but worked out. I ran 1.71 miles, 14 minutes at increasing intervals and the rest of the time at a 7.5 mph pace. Then during upper body I showed my work-out partner the motions that I felt the least strength in and we modified my lifting routine to add strength where it was lacking. When I expressed a desire to increase faster, he said less rest time between sets. I am over-joyed and looking forward to seeing further results.

NYAC 2009

I wrestled. I lost. Yet I walked away with a smile on my face and pride in my heart. I may have to scrape for every single bit of wrestling time I get, but I will scrape. I will find some way of continuing this pursuance of wrestling. I do love the hard work. I do love the sore muscles. I do love the stinging bruises and the cut lips. I am madly in love with wrestling.

I couldn't see myself as being a particularly great starving wrestler so I went to West Point, but I find myself somewhat fettered here. I have some thoughts that will remain reserved on the subject, but other than that I felt more free today than I have in years since I came to the academy. Last year at NYAC International Open I felt scared and I left crushed and defeated. This year I actually... had some fun. I lost, probably worse than last year as far as results go. But I had improvement. Oh I felt the improvement, it was like a high. I just kept on feeling it in disbelief.

It was possible to overcome my situation and make progress in wrestling? And all I had done was form one link in a support group. One person made a year's worth of difference in me (and maybe I exaggerate a little but I'm trying to make a point). I need to expand this support chain. It's the only possible solution. I have someone who will support me through thick and thin, now I need a practice partner or something like it. Maybe I just need someone to kick my ass in freestyle once a week.

So much to plan. So many possibilities! I am amazed yet humbled by this. I feel like chiding myself, "See... that wasn't so bad was it? A little bit of hard work and effort actually pays off more than grumbling and cursing the system." But I'm happy to have realized it at all, so I will continue to bask in the joy.

Okay maybe 116.8 lb?

There are bigger things on my mind to keep me awake at 1:30 in the morn'

Mostly it's the doozy this week is turning out to be. Whew! I mean, one grueling swim test tomorrow (joy, not). One CE300 WPR Tuesday morning. Watching the Sosh Run in the afternoon which "Sunny" is doing. Wednesday is a law trip section. Thursday two essays are due. Friday I am going to be starving. Meanwhile every night will be full-up with a hard cardio-filled work-out. Pretty much just drinking water and fruits and light protein between now and Wed. Just water and small carbs on Thursday. And... who knows on Friday?

The bigger things though... they are more emotionally related. I felt, defeated this last Friday. I felt undone like the biggest ceramic piece of art had just fallen off a shelf and exploded in the middle of my room. Shards and shards of pottery everywhere and dust coating everything. Strewn amid the regular crap I usually have on my floor it would have been an utter disaster. That's how I felt about Friday. Pretty much ready to cry from sheer frustration. Tonight I feel like I've been running uphill academically this weekend. I feel like I've reached the crest of a hill only to see more hill in front of that and my lungs just won't work right. I can't catch my breath. I'm intimidated. I'm... weary. I want so badly to pause, not stop but take a breath and a break.

On a side note speaking of runs, I took Sunny on a pretty great run. We ran past the cemetery up a hill up towards Michie Stadium than down and a left down a curvy road that mostly ran along Thayer Road. It was more than a two-mile run for sure and it had up and downhill. Plus I ran much faster than he expected. Which also made me suffer a little... but not too bad. The best part is that I haven't had any pain in my hip or my shins!!! OMG!! Even though my hip is popping like I've been running more. I'd say that this last week I ran... um... eleven miles this week! And lifted like a mad-woman. And drilled three times last week and wrestled live twice!

But alas... there might be matters of the heart that are confusing me. Surely these things deserve the least amount of my attention. They are the 'least-important' things to consider. I shouldn't even give them a sentence. They don't need a metaphor. They are scattered day-dreams. They are sappy love songs in gritty old school rock about cars and the 'heat of the moment' and all that crap. Obviously this has no place in my mind right now. And me being the absolute image of self-control and cool-headedness... well Lord knows that right now I'm completely focused on all the many more 'important' things in my life. My heart has no sway over how I act. I am so much better than that. Sigh... hopefully the thickness of the sarcasm here is palpable enough to be a slap in the face. I am what I am, and who else do I have to confide in when my former confidante would rather drink half a bottle of wine before crashing on her bed?

121.25 or 112.25???

Okay, so here's the dilemma. I'm training up. This last week I was running, wrestling, and lifting. Of course Wednesday night, Thursday night, Friday night, Saturday night, and Sunday night, were ruined by the Problem Set, the Law paper, and then the 3-day Air Force Academy trip.

Still I'm 123 lb in spite of 4 days off. I'm working out this week and next week. Can I cut down to 112? I can pre-register for $35 or wait and pay an extra $10 to make the decision next week. I think I should try to cut the weight. I ordered new knee pads, new chin-strap for my headgear, and a hair slicker. I have my USA card. Now it's just this last agonizing decision: Which Weight Class??