Pode Ser

Portuguese for literally: To be able to be.  Usually it's said when you don't want to say yes, and you don't want to hold back enough to say maybe.  You say, "[It] can be."

Currently, struggling to stay focused enough to succeed in TBOLC.  Next week we have the Terminal Exam (about boats and those sorts of terminals... not terminal illness).  We also have to turn in our Battle Analysis... a paper which is an absolute steaming pile of crap with a strange format and confusing instructions.  I think it is possible to complete it successfully, but it's a cross between an outline and a paper.  It's supposed to be about three or four typed pages and with maps a good several.  It's got to have Chicago style footnotes, but it's split up into these wonky sections that make no sense.  A sentence introduction.  A second paragraph that is a monster that you still divide with the good ol' bullet format as follows:

I. Paragraph Dois

1. Sub-Subject of Paragraph Dois - Um

          a. Sub-Sub-Subject of the Sub-Subject - omfg

But we've got use full sentences like college graduates.  But it's still just... confusing and way outta left field, even for the Army, even for TRADOC in the Army.

By the way to all you non-Army types: TRADOC is Training Doctrine.  It's basically the less realistic, obsessive compulsive, nerdy little brother of the sort of stuff you apply in Combat.  It's very details oriented and can drive a person with common sense mad.  It's a good test of your ability to adapt and overcome though... just in a very different arena than that of down range.

Anyway, shortly after this is the informal memo.  Now I should already have that done, and I'll get on it... soon.  But there seemed to be an awful lot of complaints about that assignment and I don't really understand.  There's one format, the instructions are a little confusing sometimes... but really it's just one document with one standard.  The application of that standard may be more or less strict depending how much help we enlist as a class, but in reality there is really only one standard and there cannot be that many points deducted for the style of our memorandum.  If it's clear, to the point, and obeys the rules of grammar - basically the opposite of what you're reading now - than the grade should be okay.  And if they're graded to a strict standard... well everyone will be held to that standard so there shouldn't be any feelings of resentment on this one.  That's how I feel now anyway, I'm sure when I get my grubby little informal memo back I'll cry foul play if I think I was slighted.  Still, I'll try to go into this one not quite so frustrated as I am with the Battle Analysis.

Only 10-ish more weeks of this.  Oh TBOLC... can we make this work?  Pode ser.  Pode ser.

Music Art Life

In respect to my artistic goals I guess there's more to admit, I also want to learn to play the guitar. Mumford and Sons songs inspired me. I love the feeling in the music. Sometimes I'm not totally on board with their lyrics, but it's the guitar that's got me going.

Musically speaking, in the Netherlands, a friend had some music out and when I asked why she told me about her violin. She said she's not great, but she likes it none the less. She recommended I go to the Czech Republic if I'm looking for a cheap violin while I'm in Germany. I'd love to pick it up again. I believe this means I should look for an apartment that doesn't have restrictive noise measures in place.
My friend who is already in Bamberg, she lives in a great apartment but it's a little out of the way. I'd rather be closer to downtown and public transportation. I can't wait to really start my life. I know it seems like I keep looking forward as though what I have in front of and around me isn't really life. Yet, I feel like I do not waste what is around me, I just get impatient with it. Why can't this bit be over? Living only barely outside of Thayer Gate, why can't I really be free of West Point?

So I drew a new picture and am publishing it now.  I decided to make this a separate blog entry because I felt it detracted from the overall different tone and theme of the previous blog.  So this one may be a little bit of what you already read, if I do have any readers.  Also for those of you new, I have my Twitter account on the sidebar as well now.  If you enjoy any of these posts, or any of the art, please subscribe.  And if you want any particular topics feel free to comment or message.

Today was a particularly creative day at work.  First listened to a small lecture on keeping the Cadets from using the roads.  It's an ambitious goal.  Keeping Cadets off roads is difficult because the land navigation sites are just too big and it's too impractical to monitor all the roads.  In reality, the very existence of so many roads makes it almost a moot point.  If the roads weren't there, the Cadets couldn't use them.  The roads are there... I do empathize with some of the frustration, if it's there why not use it?  Because we're trying to teach them the basic blocks of skills they will need on land navigation courses that are more flat and not so easy to terrain associate with.  I've been thinking of another way to relate to Cadets (having been one so recently) the importance of true land nav as opposed to trail-walking.  I think it boils down to this:  when I tell my civilian hiking counterparts how our land nav course has trails, they laugh out loud at the thought of having to teach Soldiers how to read a map with trails.  I think we should aspire in our training to be able to do more than walk a trail.  We should come away from our training able to tell our civilian counterparts that we can wander terrain without trails, we should be able to say things like "Well on a linear feature you could resection to figure out where you were on a map, but man you better have a good map."

To be fair, I think when civilians envision land nav for the military they think of huge open woods or the heart of some tropical nowhere in the middle of the night, a Ranger silently wading in waist high water, rifle trained ahead of him and making silent hand gestures to keep his squad in line until the moment is right... then BAM! Bullets start flying, and our heroes have taken the enemy by surprise having navigated to this point with nothing but a gut feeling and impeccable sense of direction.

The reality of land nav tests is you have your map, which you are trying to keep dry because if it is not raining you are incredibly sweaty.  You have your plastic protracter, with maybe a string tied to the center to more quickly calculate grid azimuth.  You have your military grade magnetic compass with degrees and mils on it.  You have at least two kilometers to cover on an easy course.  You don't take off running, and you're not on a Sunday stroll.  You're somewhere between, power walking and trying to maintain your course.  You're looking around and trying to make sense of what you see around you with the lines of elevation on the map.  Like most things in life, it's been highly romanticized.  But I would like to impress on these Cadets they should not come out of this training with skills that would make an amateur hiker laugh at them.

And the Tired Just Hit Me

Today I got to work just on time, and was a little nervous.  I pulled up and all the other cars were there.  I couldn't help nervously thinking,
"Uh-oh..."
Thankfully my arrival was right on time.  The Officer in Charge just greeted me with a good morning Lieutenant and gave me some instructions.  Ironically enough I was given charge of the compass confidence course which I haven't done myself.  So I was briefing the freshman hopefuls - known as New Cadets - how to do something I myself haven't done in at least two years, possibly four.  It's a simple course though, and the brief isn't too hard.

When I was done at half past three, I went back just as the rain started and I took a much-needed shower before crashing into my sleeping bag.  It's on a sleeping pad, so not so uncomfortable.  I ended up falling into a deep sleep until eight at night.  A lightning storm was the evening's entertainment after a fast food dinner.

During work earlier though, I walked with one group to hear their questions and get a feel for how well the squad leaders had grasped the land navigation as we taught them in their four-day training, I was observing how the New Cadets acted.

Sometimes they were as docile and desperate to be led as to be sheep, and sometimes they were as proud as a former small town "All-Star" can be, with all the contempt for West Point for not recognizing them as the little Ceasars or Tsarinas they were in their hometowns.  I kept thinking Beast is the most bizarre combination of bruised and battered egos.  They are simultaneously beaten down, yet expected at times to perform and demonstrate mature, level-headed problem-solving skills.  They aren't treated as human beings, having to raise a close fist which they must refer to as their "paw" to say something, yet we expect them to be human beings after this trial by fire, and even during this summer hazing trial, they are supposed to learn basic military skills such as marksmanship, land nav, and field craft.  So, when I am watching them try to learn land nav... I wonder if it's okay that they only sort of get it.  A few of them have the cockiness as to believe they know land nav.  Really, they know how to "beat the terrain into submission" but that doesn't mean they know the nuances and technical skills of land nav.  They are even more blind to this than the cadre, having never been on these courses many New Cadets gripe and moan when they go around a hill to attack a less steep side.  In their minds, they have wasted time and energy to go around when their nerves and competitive instincts tell them to go straight up the sheer cliffs of Blackcap Mountain to get their points.  So many Alpha males and females.  I was one of the most motivated New Cadets back in my day...

...and somehow being that motivated only made me hated by some peers who didn't understand how very human I was.  I almost feel like self-sabotage was necessary to pass as a human being that could be friends with others.  I don't really know anymore, but looking at Beast from this perspective from four years away, I can see how much potential there is in these young men and women... but I also see all the folly and pride that will be washed and worn away if not this summer than by four hard years at West Point.  I think the most difficult part of West Point is the social side of it.  There is no grade, but there is certainly a lot to learn from yourself when you are in that environment...

Again, I've sabotaged my sleep and have to be awake at six so I can get to work a little earlier tomorrow.  I don't need that much thankfully and the time passes pretty fast since the cadets arrive at about 0800 and I'm working from 0830-1200, break for lunch, then either walking the course or keeping track of groups signing in and out.  Walking the course is nice in that it's freedom from sitting around trying to look a little busy.

Favorite quote today:  "El Paso is pretty flat, except for the mountains."

Ah... So This is what they call Work

So much has happened since I started working "for reals" a week ago.  I was technically "late" and missed the first day of orientation, but it turned out not to matter since the first day was like most first days at any job.  Mostly pointless and not much potential to screw up.  So on day 2 I showed up on time and "ready to go."

During this time I'd moved into Camp Natural Bridge, the 'lodging' facilities for Active Army personnel training Cadets during their summer training.  It's enough to live in, but I was quickly pissed off by the persistent fire alarm which went off arbitrarily and could not be turned off without the fire department present.  This obnoxious alarm forced us from our beds once at 2300 and 0300 hours in the same night.  Besides this hiccup, it's basic housing:  a tin can or box which puts a roof over your head and walls around.  It had air conditioning, electricity, hot water, and toilets.  And that's it.  No internet, not even phone signal.  The last thing eventually convinced me it was worth it to leave, but I hadn't moved out until today.  But this is also part of "work."

My job is at the Land Navigation Site #1.  I help to run the compass confidence course and 500 meter pace count course and also supervise the carrying out of the terrain walk.  I feel a lot better at land navigation without trails now and would like to keep working on the skill.  The first four days were more than that though.  They involved long hikes covering a few kilometers a day uphill, overhill, and downhill.  In the humid heat or the pouring rain and thunderstorms.  We walked.  A lot.  My feet are still torn up a little.  Blisters and calluses on parts of my feet I wasn't aware bore all that much pressure while hiking.  There came a point while we trained the cadet cadre where my feet hurt more to just stand on site than to get out and hike up and downhill again.  It was strange because standing still even my toes hurt like my feet were swollen and I just needed to sprawl out and elevate them... but walking briskly up and downhill seemed the best cure.

We received the cadet cadre on a Saturday and I got a group of ten to train for four days.  These barely junior cadets were all unfamiliar to me, which somehow helped.  One of them asked if they were the first group I was leading as an officer.  The sarcasm and cynicism amused me.  It annoyed the older officers who think cynicism ruins training.  I think it can do that... but I also think it's a firm reminder to get your head out of the academic clouds and realize you are training people with very human traits and if it was you on the ground at that age again you would have the same attitude.  I also can see that some very clever kids are just frustrated with the repetition and 'dumb down' process of it all and are itching to actually perform.  Now, often these particularly bright cadets are also a little bit proud, but they are willing and even eager to perform, they just hate being talked down to or doubted and the Army has a tendency to give that impression.  I sort of get that attitude, I understand it, and maybe it's a problem because I haven't learned how to deal with that yet, but I feel like I connect with those cadets.

Anyway they picked team names which I'm obligated due to verbal promise to repeat here:

• The Purple Cobras
• Ladies
• Swamp People
• Best Buds
• The Reapers

The "Ladies" were two guys, but that name came up because I was explaining to them when to use "female" and when to use "Ladies" or "Ma'am" or "women."  My basic explanation was this:  Whenever it's appropriate to use "males" you may then use the term "female(s)", but whenever you would say "men" or "guys" or something similar say "women" or "ladies" etc.  There were some jokes, but also a little bit of the light bulb going on... I could tell a couple of them agreed that made sense.  I'm glad I was able to reach ten individuals.

NYAC 2009

I wrestled. I lost. Yet I walked away with a smile on my face and pride in my heart. I may have to scrape for every single bit of wrestling time I get, but I will scrape. I will find some way of continuing this pursuance of wrestling. I do love the hard work. I do love the sore muscles. I do love the stinging bruises and the cut lips. I am madly in love with wrestling.

I couldn't see myself as being a particularly great starving wrestler so I went to West Point, but I find myself somewhat fettered here. I have some thoughts that will remain reserved on the subject, but other than that I felt more free today than I have in years since I came to the academy. Last year at NYAC International Open I felt scared and I left crushed and defeated. This year I actually... had some fun. I lost, probably worse than last year as far as results go. But I had improvement. Oh I felt the improvement, it was like a high. I just kept on feeling it in disbelief.

It was possible to overcome my situation and make progress in wrestling? And all I had done was form one link in a support group. One person made a year's worth of difference in me (and maybe I exaggerate a little but I'm trying to make a point). I need to expand this support chain. It's the only possible solution. I have someone who will support me through thick and thin, now I need a practice partner or something like it. Maybe I just need someone to kick my ass in freestyle once a week.

So much to plan. So many possibilities! I am amazed yet humbled by this. I feel like chiding myself, "See... that wasn't so bad was it? A little bit of hard work and effort actually pays off more than grumbling and cursing the system." But I'm happy to have realized it at all, so I will continue to bask in the joy.

Moderation

Alright my room is pretty much cleared out. Which means a lot closer to being completely empty in other words. I didn't sleep at all, but I had planned for this. Yesterday after my typhoid shot and the giving of about a shot's worth of blood yesterday I fell asleep for about 7+ hours. This has been keeping me going along with one red bull which is moderate. I am just going over what I need to do today and it goes something like this:

1. Put away CFT stuff, trunks (2), and bags in basement, trunk room, or day room. (realistically I will only be able to put away about 75% of it today since I need access to certain bags and boxes tomorrow too)
2. Go to the Cadet Store and buy 2 subdued cow brass
3. In the afternoon after the parade and before their lunch break go to the Cadet Health Clinic and pick up malaria pills (for the one island Sao Tiago which carries malaria threat

Sometime this afternoon I also plan on talking to former SL, finalizing plans for Saturday, taking another nice long nap, and then finishing watching Tortilla Soup with my friend. After graduation tomorrow, I will be going out (to eat maybe... maybe something else... I kind of want to just relax and get away from West Point without anything to do), and then returning whereupon SL is giving Kk. and I a ride to Garrison Station and we are taking a very late train (2328) to the city. We'll split a taxi to the airport and get there ~0200 hours. Kk's flight will be leaving earlier than mine, but I feel safe for the trip since we'll be together on the way there.
It's time to start the day, but I feel well-prepared for the next three. It will be great to be home and I'll know I'm ready for the upcoming training.
PS already talked to former SL, finalized plans for today and Saturday, and FOUND my birth certificate which was hidden wedged in an orange folder in a black laptop case behind some pipes above my locker... it's gonna be a goooooooooood day (^^)

I hate hills

Today was going well. I finished a paper in time, readjusted my Load Carrying Vest (LCV) and put inserts in my boots that made them fit I think perfectly. I didn't get a nap, but I wasn't that tired today despite going to sleep at 0330 and waking up at 0508. I did well in the swim this morning too. I also had a chance to shoot a virtual target and my shot groups are still "very nice" All this means is that I pulled the trigger on a real M-16 Rifle that had no ammo but has been rigged up with a giant projecter screen and connected to a super computer that tells me where I shoot. It also has gas powered simulated kick. Basically I was having a good day. I was even all over my simple role in the one-rope bridge and made a good suggestion. Then it happened: the hill.

We ran from the river all the way up to the bridge over the Beat Navy Tunnel. I mentally broke down in a way I haven't in a while. It was because of two things really. At this point we were supposed to stay together. I felt myself falling behind everybody else and I panicked. I pushed extra hard at the beginning hoping I could 'fake' my way through the hill. I wanted so desperately to finish with the team. Unfortunately not only did I fall back today but I also wanted to quit at what I thought was going to be the top. Then our rest time was cut short for me since I was the last one to arrive. The whole time one of my teammates is pushing me telling me I'm a fighter and to catch up to the team. My breath was ragged, my frustration mounted, and I felt so embarrassed of my performance. A perfect day ended in depression and a google search for better techiniques to run hills. I hope I can fix this, because I suck at hills, and you can tell so much worse when I'm wearing gear.

I don't know why this little set-back got me all down and out. I guess it's because I mentally broke today and I haven't done that for a while. I've gone miserably slow but I've always trucked on, even shuffling up the steep hills, even alternating between walking fast and jogging when I was really sucking. Today I became frustrated and even stopped before the end and retorted to my teammate's encouragement,

"But we stop here, we always stop here."

It still sounds so damn whiny to me.

Tomorrow we have the 1/1 Trail Timed Run. I guess I better go google trail runs now and hopefully improve my time from the last time, otherwise I will probably feel doubly bad about today. I think as long as I'm within a minute or so on either side of my time I will be happy. I have to remember I am working on my weakness. One of my weaknesses is hills, but I'm not defeated by hills. I just get tired as hell running on them. Wish me luck, since West Point is surrounded by the steep bastards and it's the favorite ingredient for a tough workout.