And the Tired Just Hit Me

Today I got to work just on time, and was a little nervous.  I pulled up and all the other cars were there.  I couldn't help nervously thinking,
"Uh-oh..."
Thankfully my arrival was right on time.  The Officer in Charge just greeted me with a good morning Lieutenant and gave me some instructions.  Ironically enough I was given charge of the compass confidence course which I haven't done myself.  So I was briefing the freshman hopefuls - known as New Cadets - how to do something I myself haven't done in at least two years, possibly four.  It's a simple course though, and the brief isn't too hard.

When I was done at half past three, I went back just as the rain started and I took a much-needed shower before crashing into my sleeping bag.  It's on a sleeping pad, so not so uncomfortable.  I ended up falling into a deep sleep until eight at night.  A lightning storm was the evening's entertainment after a fast food dinner.

During work earlier though, I walked with one group to hear their questions and get a feel for how well the squad leaders had grasped the land navigation as we taught them in their four-day training, I was observing how the New Cadets acted.

Sometimes they were as docile and desperate to be led as to be sheep, and sometimes they were as proud as a former small town "All-Star" can be, with all the contempt for West Point for not recognizing them as the little Ceasars or Tsarinas they were in their hometowns.  I kept thinking Beast is the most bizarre combination of bruised and battered egos.  They are simultaneously beaten down, yet expected at times to perform and demonstrate mature, level-headed problem-solving skills.  They aren't treated as human beings, having to raise a close fist which they must refer to as their "paw" to say something, yet we expect them to be human beings after this trial by fire, and even during this summer hazing trial, they are supposed to learn basic military skills such as marksmanship, land nav, and field craft.  So, when I am watching them try to learn land nav... I wonder if it's okay that they only sort of get it.  A few of them have the cockiness as to believe they know land nav.  Really, they know how to "beat the terrain into submission" but that doesn't mean they know the nuances and technical skills of land nav.  They are even more blind to this than the cadre, having never been on these courses many New Cadets gripe and moan when they go around a hill to attack a less steep side.  In their minds, they have wasted time and energy to go around when their nerves and competitive instincts tell them to go straight up the sheer cliffs of Blackcap Mountain to get their points.  So many Alpha males and females.  I was one of the most motivated New Cadets back in my day...

...and somehow being that motivated only made me hated by some peers who didn't understand how very human I was.  I almost feel like self-sabotage was necessary to pass as a human being that could be friends with others.  I don't really know anymore, but looking at Beast from this perspective from four years away, I can see how much potential there is in these young men and women... but I also see all the folly and pride that will be washed and worn away if not this summer than by four hard years at West Point.  I think the most difficult part of West Point is the social side of it.  There is no grade, but there is certainly a lot to learn from yourself when you are in that environment...

Again, I've sabotaged my sleep and have to be awake at six so I can get to work a little earlier tomorrow.  I don't need that much thankfully and the time passes pretty fast since the cadets arrive at about 0800 and I'm working from 0830-1200, break for lunch, then either walking the course or keeping track of groups signing in and out.  Walking the course is nice in that it's freedom from sitting around trying to look a little busy.

Favorite quote today:  "El Paso is pretty flat, except for the mountains."

Indescribable

It's summer and I cannot get over having graduated from the Academy.  I have the elated feeling of someone who has slipped, skidded, slid, and landed with a thud at the end of a long journey and poised to begin another one with a lot more drive, focus, vision, and purpose.  My last week at the point I ended up getting 20 hours of tours - which I served - and had one final regimental S-4 task that really snuck up and sucker punched the hell out of me.  But both experiences made me feel really alive afterwards.  In fact my last walking hour was right after the banquet on Thursday.  I put on my white over gray uniform one more time for punishment and under arms went to central area.  There were still classmates and parents and officers trailing out of the mess hall.  Michelle Obama had left already, but it was only ten after nine when I started.  So, with the breastplate glinting on my chest and my scabbard at my side and my saber on my shoulder I walked the best hour of my life.  I don't really know what it's like to lose endless weekends for that sort of thing, although it really threw a wrench in my graduation week plans, but I had the sense of paying my dues.  That night I got weird looks, raised eyebrows, shouts of encouragement, one raised fist alongside a "Keep fightin' the good fight" and the inevitable two questions, a knowing "How many more?" and a perplexed "Were you here the whole time?"

It's a week, it's a day, it's a moment I will not forget.  And graduation was a blur, it was the commissioning ceremony afterwards that I really appreciated.  The Law Department all being JAGs and mostly being officers arranged a small and intimate ceremony on the lawn of the one of the homes on "Colonel Row" that overlooks the Hudson River.  They are officers who really care and they had a profound impact on the way I see life.  I kept nearly all my law books, and will definitely stay in contact with those former professors.  Now that I have a moment to pause and reflect... I have the feeling I am sitting on a wide open plain and I can mold this landscape into something that reflects who I really am.

I haven't had any nightmares I'm back at West Point yet, but I've heard of recent graduates having them.  I am happy, but trying really hard not to be a nuisance to anyone.  I am somewhat homeless until July 6 when I have to be back at West Point to help with land navigation training through August 8.  While a lot of graduates go home, it's a long drive back to El Paso and I'd like to do some traveling.  I just want to make sure my car and belongings are looked after while I'm gone.  If I didn't belong to a greater organization I would be a little more carefree, but I have that commitment and responsibility so I cannot simply run amok.

Unlike my friends who are doing full blown Euro-trips, I am going to be stationed in Germany next year and so I am more interested in just going wherever the wind blows me this next month and a half.  I've been talking about the space-A military flights for a while, and I'd like to give that a shot soon.  As soon as I organize my personal stuff better in my car than it's been... I'll figure out when and where I can politely hand off my car and I'll be on my way for another adventure that is unique and rewarding.

I KNow...

I know I should have packed my boxes already...
I know I should have turned in the TA-50 I won't need...
I know I should have picked which clothes I'll need for OBC and which ones can go into storage...
I know I should have created a much bigger throw-away pile...
I know I should pick up my dry-cleaning...
I know I need to take care of my foreign travel allowance paperwork (which I just found out about)...
I know I should finish those last graduation announcements...
I know I should make dinner reservations...
I know I should clear out my basement lockers...
I know I should finalize my summer plans...
I know the above includes budgeting...

but it's really really hard to concentrate >.< when graduation is this SATURDAY!!!

April 21st Update

I have some good news, and I have some stressful news, and I guess I might have what could be considered bad news but I've come to terms with it.

I have written some blogs that have an edgy critical tone to them, but I haven't posted most of them because I write them when I'm in the full grip of my emotional reactions.  I still wear my emotions on my sleeve.  Looks like my 46 month experience hasn't "cured" me of that old habit.  I look at my life right now and I wonder if it's supposed to be so disheveled.  It feels like I'm balancing on a tight-rope... like the beginning of my cadet career was a wide open road that, as time progressed, narrowed to an uphill path, and then a sunny alpine summit which was also the point of no return when I fully committed to five years in the U.S. Army.  Now I've crossed some rickety wooden foot-bridges and finally I'm at the edge, so close yet so far from graduation.

The good, or humorous, news is that I got back my Portuguese Defense Language Proficiency Test Scores back and I got a 26/30 on the Listening portion which is a 2+ and 30/30 on the Reading portion which is a 3.  That's almost maxing the test!  I'm hoping to use this as proof that I have the ability to learn languages and maybe be sent to study more languages in the future.  I also took the test in Spanish and German.  In German, which I've only been trying to mostly teach myself for not quite yet a year, I got a 1 in both Listening and Reading.  In Spanish I got a 1 and 2 respectively.  Not too bad for a language I've specifically avoided since beginning to study Portuguese, and I'm still quite pleased about the Portuguese results.  I am a little bit saddened that in order to get even basic Farsi or Dari or Pashtun I will need to study for at least a full year especially given these languages are so much more difficult.  However, I am hoping that learning so many different languages has given me an edge in learning other languages a little bit faster each time.  At least it seems sometimes that as I study I'm just increasing my mind's flexibility to identify objects at a level that almost seems language-ambiguous.  Of course can't change one's native tongue, but native-English speaker isn't a bad thing at any rate, and there's plenty of time for me to improve in other languages.

The stressful news is my to-do list is out the door it's so long!  Today I took care of a handful, but there's so many people I need to call or offices I need to stop by and two big papers to finish (which I guess I should be writing now as opposed to this blog, but that's neither here nor there).  I also have a shopping list that needs to be checked off and soon.  I've got to throw out worn out clothes and donate the ones I just don't wear anymore (which is difficult for me to admit).  I didn't turn in some of my big coats from West Point and I'm not sure what I'll do with that... We get to ship some things home, some to our TDY (Temporary Duty Assignment... don't ask me what the Y stands for! but let me know if you know...), and some to our Permanent Duty Station.  I've got to figure out what is going where and what the heck I'm going to do with my car... I just realized even if I ship my car to Germany (since the Army will do that I hear...) I don't have a driving license for there... so... now I have some questions that require answers and I probably should call the travel Counselor.

And finally the bad news I guess.  I am getting in trouble, though it looks like not until next week, which is okay because this weekend is the only one I had anything planned where I wanted to get out of here at least until graduation week.  I'm so excited, yet I've been distant to people asking me about my pre-graduation plans.  In my mind, I need to get a grip of my to-do list before it spirals out of control, and then I can respond more kindly to all these inquiries.  I feel bad, but I think I'm a little bit more scatter-brained than most when it comes to this place.  There's just so much here that I feel apathetic towards, it's difficult to filter what is important and really put my heart and soul into those projects.