Living in Germany: Week 2 AAR

I have officially arrived at my unit for two weeks now, and it's great.  Last week I had a bunch of briefings that couldn't be helped.  I have to admit I got some decent information from each one, but they were long days and I felt drained after hours of PowerPoint and the monotonous repetition of, "Welcome to Bamberg."

Friday a friend visited me and we reminisced on our days at the Universidade de Coimbra in Portugal.  I can't believe it was two years ago already.

This Saturday 391st CSSB had a Valentine's Ball, and it was a nice event, I'm going to post some pics soon to my Flickr account.  I'm glad I had my ASU (Army Service Uniform or "dress blues") ready to go, because it would have been a shame to miss it.  While these events do have somewhat a frustrating compulsory aspect to them, they are - like everything else in life - what you make of them.  I ended up getting to know some of my peers in the battalion a little better, and a chance to see the people I've met throughout the week all in one place.  I met some Lt.'s wives (or girlfriends) as well, and in spite of the below freezing temperatures outside even enjoyed (most) of a nice cigar outside.

Sunday followed with more fun because of a group dinner 'party' which included a group effort to cook a dinner.  We tried a new recipe, so no one was entirely certain how it would turn out.  It was sort of a casserole with chicken, carrots, ginger, yogurt, spices, and rice.  Very delicious even though the rice was soggy, we served it in bowls, and since we were just having fun, it didn't matter that the appearance wasn't stellar.  I give the recipe four stars, because even not cooked perfectly, it was totally yummy!

Today as I was investigating the contents of my fridge, I discovered that my freezer actually does work to my chagrin.  The bottle of champagne I was saving for my boyfriend's arrival had unfortunately exploded:

It's a shame, but as you can see, it wasn't too costly of a mistake to make ;) plus I at least know that I will have ice cubes... even it seems to take forever.  Wish I had a balcony because it would be easier to just leave an ice tray outside at these temperatures!

As far as the upcoming week my to-do list is lengthy, even though I don't have a platoon yet, or really any subordinates to speak of (a manager with nothing to manage) it's a sort of free limbo for me:  a rare opportunity to get adjusted without heaps of pressure loaded on me.  It's funny that I should get the honor to deploy so soon after arriving when I never agonized over it like some of my male counterparts.  Some of them right now at West Point were trying to figure out by analyzing the dates of their respective branch BOLC and the rotating deployment shifts of the Brigade Combat Teams (BCTs), but of course it's sensitive intelligence, important to national security; and not everyone can just know it!  I'm pretty sure the people in charge don't even know exactly when and where deployments are scheduled and I am not saying this is part of the disorganization so often associated with government work, but because the world is a pretty fast changing place.  No one can say with total certainty where we will be in the next few years.

It's a short week though, and I have good things to look forward to!  There are exciting pictures and blogs to come in the near future!

Hoping for a Partner

Nothing is as motivating and as potentially heartbreaking as hoping you have found someone to share hard work, personal and career goals, and a drink on the rare nights when the two of you are together somewhere with a chance to be alone.  If I can just keep my expectations reasonable I might bridge an unexpected gap and keep a friend who has qualities I admire.  He is more friendly, more upbeat, and more positive, but he does have a darker side. Decisions that I shun or uncomfortably try to ignore, and are - quite frankly - none of my damn business.

Though I find it difficult to trust people, that's no excuse for judging them too quickly on their personal life choices.  I struggle so much to just accept others; and often try to overlook my own glaring flaws.  I wish I had an invisible friend who could calmly and non-judgmentally ask me why I am bothered by someones' asinine behavior, or fecklessness, or tactlessness, or carelessness and recklessness.  I frequently find myself measuring someone else up and writing them off.  I wish I could be more careless and reckless, and I am strangled by jealousy when I see a free soul, even a fool.

Freedom eludes me, it runs through my fingers like sand.  I want to not care what others think of me!  I want to have freedom from society's constraints!  And unfortunately I see no way to do this presently.  I end my inner cry for freedom with silent and internal weeping locked in my mental blocks.  I still care too much, I still put too much of my well-being in anothers' hands.  I thought I'd learned to stop. Yet the cycle repeats itself.  Good intentions or not, I will never ever put myself in this situation again.  I don't care how long it takes, how much hard work, how much loneliness or how high I must lift my chin and stare unblinking into the judgmental cacophony of the world... and this isn't pride!  I do not think I am above anyone or everyone!  I am not trying to be any one's enemy!  I am trying to throw off mental shackles that make me someone I am not.  I would like to be the free and happy woman that I am when I am fully occupied with my goals and career, and the same woman who makes adult decisions that she accepts because she has the freedom to stretch her imagination and take risks from which occasionally she will be burnt.

And this hopefully includes a partner... all partner decisions aside, I am pretty positive I have found another friend to add to my support network.  So far I have a few very good friends who have started to help me grow and learn, but none yet in the Officer Corps.  I have friends who I can turn to for help even in the Army, but no mentor or partner in the traditional Army career path of an Officer. But thankfully, maybe through this blog, I have come a little closer to acceptance and a little closer to seeing that all my harsh judgment is really an attempt of my inner conscience to be more free and accepting of the me that I hold back.  A me that takes higher risks and isn't eaten up with anxiety all the time.  A happier me that will hopefully help me on my way to my goals, because what fun will it be accomplishing them if I'm too uptight to enjoy the result of my efforts?

Feels Like Home...

...because it almost is!  My good friend is driving me back to El Paso where I will consolidate all the things I absolutely need to fly to Germany at the end of the month.

In the meantime, Monday morning I have to report for hometown recruiting assistance program (HRAP).  I am showing Texas to my New England driver/counterpart and he approaches the trip with the same attitude he approaches so much of life:  open enthusiasm and a cheerful point of view.  Basically he drives since his car is manual and I haven't quite graduated from the 25-35 mph zone... we theorized I would drive some couple of hours on the open stretches of highway but it hasn't happened yet typically enough.

We drove from Richmond, VA to Mobile, AL on day one.  Plenty of cute though so-so pics taken hastily from the highway.

Today we made it from Mobile, AL to Austin, TX to meet up with a couple friends who I went to high school with.

Drinking Shiner Blonde, maybe can write a guest blog for I Love The Sauce if they haven't written on this beer yet.  I had to get a Shiner beer since my guest isn't from around here!

I guess the road trip is a success so far since we don't hate each other yet.  So much to do, and so little time is all I feel like... tonight the streets of Austin and tomorrow the Riverwalk of San Antonio.  Then my "little" hometown, the sprawling city of El Paso.  I just hope there is enough time to properly enjoy it.

Life Plans Dashed Against the Ceiling

I've been feeling like lying down and staring at the ceiling.  I don't want to sleep.  Why I feel like my life plans are dashed against the ceiling is just the result of my nature.  I can never let sleeping dogs lie.  Right before significant events in my life I have to fight, have to cry out, and have to make my stand.  I cannot wait for more peaceful moments.  I can always blame the stressors in my life:  having guests, not being fully signed out, not having a car, and suddenly feeling "trapped" and like an inconvenience.  These are all factors in my current crisis.  And although I know I am 'catastrophizing' I am able to see for the first time with slightly clearer vision that I am not the sole wrong-doer.  I put other people on the spot with my ill-timed fits, but it tells me volumes about themselves.  The problem isn't with the individuals who I hold in contempt, it is with the mutual friends we have.  The people that I care about, in many ways, I care too deeply about what they think of me and how they live their lives.  I don't want them to be taken advantage of, and I don't want to feel like I am treading on their happiness or trespassing on their peace.  I would rather walk out of peoples' lives than ruin them, I just can't seem to learn the art of quietly bowing out.  Instead I toss the lighter over my shoulder and light the bridge (and fifty gallons of gasoline) on fire walking away from the subsequent explosion.

So what, you may ask, is the event?  Tomorrow is graduation from Transportation Basic Officer Leadership Course (TBOLC).  Fifty-five members of my class will show up between 0800 and 0830 at the Transportation School and seat themselves in an auditorium to be recognized for the 12 week feat.  It's an accomplishment, but not exactly the high point of a military career.  It's sorta like getting a 75% on your drivers' test.  You have proven you can pass... which the same could be said of the Doctor who got C's in med school, but med school is slightly more difficult and mentally demanding than Transportation BOLC.

It's not that I'm not happy to be done; in fact, I have a great big bubble of relief rising up in me waiting to burst when we are released tomorrow and we can scatter to the four corners of the world for a nice break from each other.  I know the Transportation Corps is small.  The Army is small, and the Transportation Corps is the third smallest branch in the Army.  It would be foolish to imagine not running into peers down the road.

With deployments decreasing though, it is becoming less likely to run into the Reservists and National Guard Officers.  I know... that I won't know until I get more experience, but I suspect I may not be on a regular career path.  I have plans that are outside the left and right limits of most people.  It's not arrogant to say this because a brief conversation or 12 weeks of observation would reveal this about me.

Now I am just eager to get away from everyone.  The feelings of dread and anxiety have built up enough that I just want to be alone in my apartment.  I have no such solace at the moment, though.  I have lashed out at my closest friend here for forgetting me and failing to account for me in his schedule.  I am hurt, and I am confused, and I am not acting very rationally.  I know I should be grateful for his efforts to help me.  Instead I am so upset he is taking me for granted, and so flustered he is throwing my schedule and personal plans askew, that I decided to choose tonight to yell at him about a guy who has been (intentionally or not) antagonizing me.  You might ask why it is his fault.  It's not.  But when I start my tirade about offenses I took personally, I am looking for a fight.  I didn't finish explaining myself I just waited for him to oppose me, and then I started to give him the silent treatment.  Worst time ever to do this!  Yet even now I cannot stop yet.  I had some valid reasons for what I did, I just explained and acted on those reasons in the worst way ever.  Now tomorrow I have graduation madness.  I wonder if I will ever have a drama-free culminating event.

Socializing Should be Easier

So today I got to go on a zip line adventure... it was great! A little work out - nothing too strenuous - and a chance to feel a little tough. I want to get into rock climbing also. As there are places to be taught the skill, I could start there and move on once I found a group around my skill level, and it would be motivation to stay in shape and get out every once and a while.

I also got my hiking boots in a package recently and that's also calling me... the weather still isn't bad but even when it starts to get chilly I've got a nice fleece and a good jacket... I'm ready enough and there are people around here who are in better shape than I am. They would be great people to go hiking with!

…which brings me to my next point sometimes I am not a people person. It's just frustrating for me to be around a large group of people a handful of who are loud and obnoxiously so. It doesn't really matter how many of them are loud and obnoxious, it just makes me wonder whose parents didn't teach them volume control when they were younger. And I mean when I am repeating myself three or four times in a row to relay one sentence of a story I start to lose interest in telling the story at all. Except that whoever you're talking to will - after they've loudly shouted over your sentence - look at you with innocent expectancy, as though they really want to hear what you've got to say. And it's not even that important of a story and it doesn't really matter and I don't really feel like talking at all anymore. Then I look like the snippy person in the corner, which isn't my intent and I just want to retreat and get away from the whole situation.

It doesn't help to be watching train wrecks in progress. It's great and all to socialize, but sometimes I feel like it should be easier. Like if some people didn't get too loud it would be all the more pleasant. I'm not one to 'shush' a crowd, in fact I think that's rude, but I can't help but wince and roll my eyes at someone who feels like what they have to say is so important they have to talk louder than everyone else in the room; or someone who says subtly demeaning things to or about others to make himself look better. I just wanna kick a person like that in the chest especially when others start mimicking the scapegoat-ery of such a subtly scummy person. Not that either of those sheep are that intimidating either, just shooting them a look after they try to jump on a bandwagon like that and they usually have a fleeting look of guilt or embarrassment. And catching that fleeting look makes me feel a little bit better. It's just the guy shows no sign of knowing he’s doing anything wrong. He may not be bad at heart, but he just injects the room with a vibe I don't really like. And maybe I'm coming from a conservative background in this category, and maybe it's a mood brought on by Benadryl wearing off on an evening where I've got to do some work, but either way I hope I haven't offended anyone - too badly anyway. Burning bridges is something too easy for me to do as my past only shows.

Holding my Breath in Consideration

Trying to accomplish a lot with the beginning of the year is a great undertaking.

This weekend I bought some spaghetti-O's, a bowl, a dustbuster, and trashbags.  I re-made my bed, and washed and ironed my uniform.  It was a short weekend.  This month I plan on a couple of big purchases for my birthday and the room.  My roommate and I want a fridge.  I also would like a rug.  She would prefer a futon.  I'm not as interested in the futon.  We can't have overnight guests even if my friends could visit, so... it's a luxury I'm not interested in.

I've got to get cracking on my thesis essay, double check which major I'm trying to get honors in, and ace my law class if that's possible, so far I'm not feeling it.  Law of Armed Conflict is a tough bird, and the instructor is hard for me to read.

Have been hanging out more with peers who are in my company.  It's been fun although a little awkward at times for me.  I want to hang out with my classmates, I like to, but sometimes I feel a little bit like I'm off-foot.  A lot more people get the vibe that I'm a feminist, which I'm not sure I like.  Do I seem like an angry one?  I feel more weary than angry, more tired than vehement, more exhausted than driven.  I just think it's interesting that another girl I spoke to recently about women in combat said we weren't ready and she couldn't feel like that if there weren't enough women in leadership positions.  So this is the answer?  Role models, what about instances where there were no role models?  We have to learn to do things by ourselves, too.  There aren't enough women for us to each pick one to follow, we'll have to blaze our own trails too.

***

I had to add to this post because my torn feelings returned in time for me to add them.  I had made up my mind to not do Sandhurst because I am reluctant to get hurt my Firstie year for a competition I've done once in my life.  I changed my mind when the squad leader stopped by and basically asked me to stay as long as I still wanted to do the competition.  I do still want to do the competition in many ways.  I'm a competitive person, I'm fit, I love shooting, I believe it's practical and applicable.  But I question if I have the motivation anymore.  I don't feel a deep longing in me to do it anymore.  I feel obligated to do it now.  I keep changing my mind.  Little things set me off, so this morning I felt fed up with something frivolous and I can't imagine giving up any of my saturdays for this.  In the end, what is it that I don't want to do?  Who are my friends?  Are more of them on or off the team?  I need to do some soul-searching.  The trainer recommended if I didn't have to do the competition he wouldn't recommend doing it.  But this was more from sandhurst teams pushing too hard too fast in their train ups.  More mind-numbing mind-changing to follow.  I hope to reach a conclusion by the end of the month.

An Epiphamatic Day!

So I had a lot of input and an upswing of mood today... yesterday had I lifted my weary head from my pillow I would have written a terribly depressing blog... today I have recaptured motivation!  And I didn't even bring up women's rights.

Was reading a book on the Iran-Contra Affair... and yes that isn't exactly riveting... but I stumbled on this paragraph in the preface (which shows you also where I am so I need to wrap this up quickly):

"As a result, I have been forced to rethink my achievements and mistakes.  Did I try to accomplish too much?  Was I excessive?  Was I obsessive?  Were my objective frustrated by... my own errors?  Despite many defeats, did I ultimately win?  And if I won, was it the war I thought I was fighting or one quite different?  Will the effort, however evaluated, deter future comparable misconduct?"

Sure this was the investigator of something huge of which there are literally tomes... but these questions are the questions of anyone who takes on a humongous task.  One so large it literally has to be largely out of your hands for real change to be effected.

Today I had a good talk with my mentor.  So maybe gonna try to repair a burnt bridge... but I am not holding my breath for the best outcome.  It's just it's better to end things on better terms and walk away with a clean slate.

He also articulated some things that had been bothering me for a while... and some arguments that my rather dim-witted boss (one of them... and jeez if he recognizes himself --which I doubt he will-- will I get shit for this.  But just to save myself in case he does... if you think this is you, than you're much too clever to be the man I'm referring to.  Got it?) proffered.  But when my sorta boss gave me the argument for leadership at West Point, it was delivered so crudely I bristled at it.  I was cynical and critical in my opinion of "leadership positions" at the Academy.  I haven't entirely seen the light... nor do I think this new and more eloquent advice addresses all things I am disgruntled with... but here's the theory:

Leadership, especially in the Army but anywhere, is about helping others become who they wish they could be.  Obviously this means healthy wishes... and not everyone knows what is the best thing for them... but it's a free will for a reason.  I think humanity as a whole consistently having members perform in deplorable ways, is proof enough that free will has some nasty sides to it.  But that's besides the point.  Given the fact that most ordinary people don't want more than to improve their situation in life it makes sense that as a leader it would be beneficial to help that person find their niche and if you could help it would make you a good leader to help.

The second part of that was the subtlety of peer and leader leadership.  No that's not a typo, sometimes you have to lead your leader.  And he emphasized the difficulty of that and gave me some examples of achieving that as well.  Much better than a crude insulting comment that I received elsewhere that may have vaguely behind it held the same intent.  And even that I somewhat doubt.  It's times like this I appreciate the lessons I received from my father, who was an excellent leadership example.  Many of the lessons West Point has taught me had been gone over by my father in the formative years before I was at the academy.  And anyone can doubt this, but talking about subtle leadership, taking a stand, maintaining the important standards, and identifying the "informal vs formal" leaders are all things my dad talked to me about even when I was 13 or 14 years old.  And yes I suppose you could argue that's not too long ago, any sarcastic readers out there.

A 1500 word paper awaits, so that's all for now, but I am refreshed and rejuvenated and ready for battle!

Just to Clarify... then more Rebelliousness

A few recent events have made me a little panicky about this blog.  I just want to clarify that I'm not an investigative blogger.  I have no pretensions with this blog.  It's just perspective, it's just thoughts, and hopefully it's mostly the truth.  I believe like all people who blog what is on their minds I've had enough figurative foot-in-mouth moments of embarrassment that make me want to go back and delete a post for something I wrote... but I guess if I did that I would have only a pitiful handful of entries on this blog.

Whew! Now that's out of the way, I have noticed some hullabaloo about the full body scanners... I had to go through one in Europe.  They aren't so bad, but the scanner still picked up my zippers on my boots and the buttons sewn into my jeans, things that didn't set off the metal detectors (in some airports in Europe you don't have to take off your shoes)... so I still had to get a pat-down.  It was done by a female, but I felt annoyed.  Why did I have to go through the machine if I was getting a pat-down anyway?  Obviously the technology is lacking.  Thus far and from this side, my biggest complaint lies with the inefficacy of these new machines, I'm not too sure about radiation side-effects when supposedly we get a lot of those from holding cell phones to our heads too.

I also am suspicious of stricter measures at airports and perhaps throughout the states in the name of national security.  Airports are already nightmares of waiting.  And even if we do implement a new measure it will only be as effective as the last without the budget to go with the manpower to enforce it.  I am just skeptical that making things more inconvenient is a viable solution.

On a slightly related but hilarious side note, apparently a certain airline's insurance does not cover the following:

This plan does not cover any insured Loss caused by or resulting from:

• Intentionally self-inflicted Injury, suicide, or attempted suicide of the Insured, Family Member, Traveling Companion or Business Partner while sane or insane;
• Pregnancy, childbirth, or elective abortion, other than Complications of Pregnancy;
• Participation in professional athletic events, motor sport, or motor racing, including training or practice for the same;
• Mountaineering where ropes or guides are normally used. The ascent or descent of a mountain requiring the use of specialized equipment, including but not limited to pick-axes, anchors, bolts, crampons, carabineers, and lead or top-rope anchoring equipment;
• War or act of war, whether declared or not, civil disorder, riot, or insurrection;
• Operating or learning to operate any aircraft, as student, pilot, or crew;
• Air travel on any air-supported device, other than a regularly scheduled airline or air charter company;
• Loss or damage caused by detention, confiscation, or destruction by customs;
• Any unlawful acts, committed by the Insured, a Family Member, or a Traveling Companion, or Business Partner whether insured or not;
• Mental, Nervous or Psychological Disorder or rest cures;
• If the Insured’s tickets do not contain specific travel dates (open tickets);
• Use of drugs, narcotics, or alcohol, unless administered upon the advice of a Physician;
• Any failure of a provider of travel related services (including any Travel Supplier) to provide the bargained-for travel services or to refund money due the Insured;
• Experimental or Investigative treatment or procedures;
• Any Loss that occurs at a time when this coverage is not in effect;
• Traveling for the purpose of securing medical treatment;
• Care or treatment which is not Medically Necessary;
• Any Trip taken outside the advice of a Physician;
• Financial Default;

War or act of war is my absolute favorite ^^ if insurance doesn't cover this, than I don't want it.  You can never be too sure, right?  And what's the point in buying it, if it won't cover your basic acts of war or other international incidents? Naturally I jest ;)

Once again I've written a blog over a lengthy period of time and in between work and homework.  Of course the night ends with me knowing I am still not caught up with my work and still need to work on my thesis and still need to submit those interviews!  Occasionally I feel overwhelmed.

At the last few exciting events and talks I've been to, I've had the chance to shine in natural brightness.  It's a nice feeling.  I am not claiming to be very intelligent.  Facts and figures escape me.  I open mouth insert foot all the time.  It's such a hit and a miss, but I've made some new friends and this has reaffirmed some beliefs I've held about myself all these years.  I was also spurred into more action... but still a part of me reflects on myself, my particular strengths and weaknesses and what I want to do with the rest of my life.  It's such an open road, I really promise to write more about this another blog.  Until then, tchau!

Revitalized

Something has changed. A content restlessness flows through me. It's the result of wrestling against Missouri Baptist Univ. wrestler Whitbeck and against Canadian Stewart. I was complimented by a few people at the tournament. I was noticed. It is sustaining me. It is a faint glow that might mean dawn is finally coming.

I must admit not all is well... I fought with my roommate yesterday. Besides getting creative with my curse-words, we hashed out some issues, then I swallowed a corrosive dose of pride and spoke with the girl I have harbored anger towards since she dared encroaching on my life this semester by going out with one of my friends and acting like besties with my roomie.

First my roomie and I had an argument that came to a boiling point fast, because of me. Eventually she stormed off to class and I went to buy a $1.49 coffee. Afterwards I went to this girl's room and extended an angry but determined olive branch. I was blunt. She's not a flower. On the contrary I think her sacharrine sweetness masks a terribly poisonous and manipulative person... but one who isn't worth my time. I focused on the fact that I didn't... actively dislike her. I also told her that I wasn't acting any differently towards her than any of her other classmates in my company. I was vague, but direct. I referenced her boyfriend a lot. I brought up our common points (of which there are very few), and I cut her off repeatedly. I remembered another reason I disliked her. She must always be talking. While this makes her fun if you are in the mood for witty banter, it makes her very annoying if you are trying to address her. If only like my cousin she could direct this sheer volume of talking in the direction of a cell phone... than I could afford myself valuable seconds to have some calm thoughts as opposed to frustrated ones edged with, "When you shut up I will answer!"

Either way, my roommate and I resolved our argument fairly peacefully. And I finally bridged a gap that could have been a social disaster. Nothing fatal, but potentially toxic.

I did a map check of my grades. I basically have a chance to make an A- in all of my classes for certain, with the exception of Law classes and Portuguese. Portuguese I can still make an A+ and Law I don't know because I don't know my grades for the - few - graded assignments we had.

I am getting stronger too. In spite of waking up early I did not nap after classes but worked out. I ran 1.71 miles, 14 minutes at increasing intervals and the rest of the time at a 7.5 mph pace. Then during upper body I showed my work-out partner the motions that I felt the least strength in and we modified my lifting routine to add strength where it was lacking. When I expressed a desire to increase faster, he said less rest time between sets. I am over-joyed and looking forward to seeing further results.

Already November is Flying

Truly, there is no other way to describe the way the days are slipping through my fingers: November is flying.

And before I launch into the mundane yet good news, I want to pause and reflect on a couple dreams I had. I had a very happy then saddening dream that a beloved family member asked me who they were and I described them with joy thinking it to be a game. Then I realized this family member did not know me, or recognize me, had in fact forgotten me and I cried. I sobbed. Wonder what that means is on my mind... anyway.

Despite a huge improvement on my part to work during the day, I find myself working through another night here at West Point. The reason? The seventh problem set in my CE300 class. Tomorrow night promises no better since I will be working on my LW310 paper and the afternoon will be interrupted by a Portuguese Oral Presentation. The morning will be interrupted by my taking one of my subordinates to the Thayer bookstore to pick out a journal they will use for reflection since they continue to mess up and I'm afraid the problem is slightly more complicated than simply requiring punishment for correction. Looking into it now. While I care enough to do so, I am also still very busy in particular this week.

On top of all my requirements, I am also hosting a participant of SCUSA. She goes to college in Oregon, her major is International something and Foreign Languages. She's quite nice, and hardly any trouble, and she gets me out of WAMI. (Wed. A.M. Inspection). So she can stay :)

Ah, but no worries. This Friday I will be leaving on Chalk 4 on Mil-Air with my boyfriend headed for USAFA to watch the Army v. Air Force Football Game* (*and other Army competitions because I love Army, noooot because I'm being mandated to go of course - wink).

Had a great talk with my friend H., we acknowledged his quasi-girlfriend doesn't like me and that she probably feels threatened by me and that H. already told her that his friendship with me isn't going to change. So that is going much better now.

Also realized that my roommate has gotten a lot better about her behavior in many ways, and that she will make her own mistakes and learn from them. I'm truly glad she is finally enjoying herself with a boyfriend who makes her happy, however I will not stop being her 'responsible' friend.

Finally, with all these realizations, I have this weekend in Colorado, next week a Wednesday drop in classes, that weekend a home football game, and the weekend after that hopefully a wrestling tournament. The weekend following is... of course: Thanksgiving! This year spent in El Paso.

So November is sliding by so fast I feel the wind whipping my hair. I have also been enjoying my life, this weekend went to IHOP and CrackerBarrel for brunch on Saturday and Sunday. My firstie friend, former sandhurst SL, got Infantry and I realized I won't be back from my semester abroad in time for his graduation which certainly necessitates some quality hang-out time.

I genuinely feel blessed. There is so much good in my life right now, I feel like my life is charmed with room for tweaks of improvement. Good night.

Potentially We Have Potential

Today I re-learned a wrestling move from watching the Div-1 wrestlers for about 20 seconds, wrestled hard live during intramurals against a 140 lb guy, inspired three people to go for a quick upper body lift with me after the wrestling, and went to Salsa Dance Lessons and proceeded to laugh my ass off with a good friend. I also confirmed with my friend in F-1 that I was committed to the women's boxing team I just needed reminders. It doesn't matter how much socially I have to give up I am pursuing this and keeping myself in shape if it's the last thing I do. Hopefully if I don't find wrestling in Portugal I can at the very least find a boxing or kick-boxing gym. I've been thinking ahead how I will stay in shape while I'm abroad. On one hand European meals are longer and healthier, but on the other hand I'll sort of be feeling like I'm 'on holiday' and might overindulge. I may be able to work out less often since I'll be living at a regular college with a city and pubs and stores and people to meet. It might actually cost me money to use gym facilities, another consideration. Just to throw that out there I am thinking about it at least.

Have a meeting scheduled with my Dept. Academic Counselor tomorrow, should be fun really. All the instructors have been meeting with yearlings discussing their 'major' decision. Andy is actually losing a little sleep over it, kind of reminds me when I chose my major how much less I thought about alternative options. I visited the Dirt Dept. briefly but they tried too hard to get me to join their department. I like the instructors and the atmosphere as well as the class content of the law department more. I am also still determined to become fluent in Portuguese and am still bowled over that I'm going to Portugal. I'm certainly excited, although things are moving slowly.

Went to the PX with "Sunny" and bought some new white shirts as well as a multi-vitamin for active young women since the cadet health clinic insists on giving the females pre-natal vitamin pills. It really annoys me. I also got some whey protein for post-weight lifting consumption. I'm working out five days of the week (sometimes I skip a Thursday or Friday but I've been working out on Saturdays too now) and I feel more energy than usual.

Had some quality girl talk last night. My roommate is searching for a boyfriend and unfortunately I think she's looking so hard for a boyfriend she's looking at some guys through rose-colored spectaclels and missing out on casual dating. She's still so upbeat and doing great at academics. A girl down the hall complained she still loves her ex even though he cheated on her and she cheated on him. I shrugged, that girl never acts like she has a boyfriend so I don't see how her life has changed that much. I was surprised how silly some of the conversation was. Most of my two cents made well sense and I think everyone was unsettlingly surprised how pragmatic and practical my advice was. The oldest one there, our neighbor a senior, agreed with me the most and had the most mature point of view. One subject that came up was cheating. Senior AKA Lola (not her real name) had talked to a guy and sort of seen him while he was dating his current girlfriend while she was at semester abroad. He has cheated on his girlfriend more than once. Lola said he said skeazy comments like, "You're all I think about." and his girlfriend is back and Lola said she's not interested in him. Then sophomore down the hall AKA Linn (not real name), says,

"Don't you wish sometimes you could tell the girlfriend like show them the proof and tell them their boyfriend is cheating?"

and Lola replies,

"Yeah, but then she still calls you a slut and bitch for cheating with her boyfriend."

and my roommate retorts hotly,

"Any girl who does that is stupid!"

At which point I break in,

"No, Lola is right.  You [my roomie] damn well remember how it was, if this guy is over the top by saying you're all he thinks about and he sent you flowers you can bet he sounds so sincere to his girlfriend. If she gives a rats ass about him she'll not want to believe and she'll question the motive of the girl telling her the information. She'll wonder if this girl is just trying to get her to break up with her guy unfairly. Unless of course she already completely distrusts her boyfriend. It depends on the nature of the relationship."

Linn disagreed saying she'd believed a girl. I wanted to say Linn had no concept of fidelity, but managed to keep my mouth shut on that. My roomie sort of understood but not fully. Lola really got it though. And I got her. Even though we'd been the exact opposite roles in that situation with different people I realized I didn't like her any less, I did however find the guy weak and quite the P.O.S. Anyway didn't realize I could have so much fun or offer so much to the conversation.

As far as my own relationship status, true I have a boyfriend, but it's just seeing where it goes. We both have our own goals to pursue. I have boxing and wrestling and academics and lifting weights. I also have a semester abroad. I have salsa dancing and EST (shooting if possible). He has sprint football and academics and big decisions upon him plus one of the hardest academic years to face. He's on top of his game and so far so am I. I have two A's in classes. Soon to be three! At least I'm that optimistic. It's time for sleep or all my self-prophecies will be false for sure. Night.

Bad Second Week

Okay so I did an evalutation of the week because I was feeling both like I've been lazy and like I'm ineffectual and inadequate again. However, a look at the week shows otherwise:

Monday: I started the week great with an awesome lower body lift and a 3-mile run
Tuesday: I gave blood today, but still did a boxing practice and bled through my arm bandage... which made me feel pretty badass
Wednesday: I started to feel shitty today... I was fatigued (slept through one of my classes) and uncomfortable and I blamed the fact that I gave blood. I still did the IOCT once, wrestling practice, and boxing practice (although that was cut short because of some jerk-off of a clerk)
Thursday: I felt a lot of fatigue today... but identified it finally and called the cadet health clinic to make an appointment. I don't think I caught the swine flu, but it's definitely a bug of some sort. They're supposed to give me antibiotics. I slept after class and went to bed early.

Today.. the plan is to do an upper body lift and go to an open gym for wrestling. This plan includes imbibing an energy drink roughly 55 minutes before practice. Although I feel bad that my work-outs weren't amazing this week, looking back I still did them. The only day I really blew off was Thursday and like I've realized that was totally justified.

Academically, I'm actually concerned that I might like CE300, my civil engineering class. While it's true that I don't have a laughably easy schedule like my roommate or systems engineering... I never wanted to completely sacrifice math and science so this suits me well. I also am starting to do better in my law classes. I felt so weird readjusting from only three weeks in Cape Verde, but it made more of an impact than I thought it would. It really was life-changing.

Militarily... I can't tell yet. I have yet to get my initial counseling forms signed by two of my three subordinates, but I had a squad meeting yesterday and told them to get on the ball. Unfortunately this meeting was in front of my roommate who apparently all the plebes "love" -- this is according to her. I hate to sound jealous, but she sounds so smug sometimes. She sounds so professional asking the plebers for foreign affairs articles. She cites their knowledge book like it's nobody's business. She balances being sappily sweet to them with screeching at them when they screw up duties.

Okay so she was also Beast cadre meaning her job was to yell at new cadets and to know their knowledge book and to enforce the standard for 4 solid weeks.

I can't help but feel the same way now that I did as a plebe. I felt like some of the hazing was stupid when I was a plebe. I still feel that way as an upperclass. I understand the pertinence of some of it, and I'm glad they are expected to know basic arms knowledge and foreign affairs are important... but I can't survive without some level of ridiculousness. I'm glad I have lunch at a table with three different people. I almost feel like I see too much of my roomie. I feel like if I open my mouth I am competing with her. I really don't care about half the stuff we expect plebes to know. I mean if they have a funny article I'd be twice as satisfied as opposed to a serious but boring foreign affairs article that means relatively little to me. I am having trouble finding my way... my leadership style.

I find it frustrating when my roomie says things like, "I'm a good leader... I mean look I got a military A this summer!" Why care about the grade? I mean I'm glad she got it, but why flaunt it? I mean... so what I got an A-? Does that mean I'm sub-par? Does it mean I had a harder detail? Does it really mean anything? In my opinion it equals shit insofar as your leadership capability. I've talked to kids on both sides of the spectrum. There have been POS's who weren't worth a damn thing who got A's and there have been competent and good people who get C's from a lazy superior.

And I'm venting because I care about my performance. I may not be a super-hooah... but I don't want to be a total shit-bag. I hope I can find some motivation in having a squad. A squad of six people... it's such a joke. I barely see them. Well that's just another challenge. And I like challenges. This weekend if I work out, do my homework and have a short squad meeting on Sunday to get face time and so that they keep doing the right thing... then I will be able to make it through the next week. And then the process will start again, setting goals, having great days, followed by shitty days, and peppered with so-so days that are just distracting. It's a never-ending process. Hello world.

Desert Night-Inspired

I have accomplished a lot of what I said I was going to accomplish this year. I've gotten my drivers license, and a passport, and I'm finally starting to embark on travelling the world. I'm looking forward to Cape Verde, Africa very much and shopping around for a backpack for the trip.

Preferably I am going to buy a camping backpack just because it will have more space and be sturdier, but I feel slightly embarrassed buying one. Like someone is going to make fun of me for either having one or someone who is familiar with them is going to make fun of me if I buy the wrong type. I am deciding between external and internal frame. I am uncertain about ordering one online, but that looks like it's my only option. I sort of want to consult with someone who knows what they are doing because these are expensive backpacks. I am concerned I won't get one in time. I might just buy one after Buckner even though I only have a couple days before my trip. I will have to take a gamble if that's the case.

Moving on, I need to chronicle my driving experiences because I am fresh on the wheel and it would be a crime not to. So I only went to three of the four driving lessons my parents signed me up for and it might be because the conversation on day 1 went something like this:

I exit the house in a blue shirt with the words California Athletics on it.
Mr. Instructor: (after brief introductions and in a sharp suspicious tone) Do you go to school in California?
Me: (annoyed at the tone) No.
Mr. Instructor: (Slight pause while he waits for an explanation then impatiently asks) Well then why do you have a California shirt on?
Me: (same annoyed tune) Because I lost a wrestling match to a girl from California.
This stumps Mr. Instructor who can find no further question, but still has no idea why I am wearing this shirt.

So maybe we started on the wrong foot. We certainly ended on it too because over the course of three lessons he proceeded to make me slow down to less than 10 mph for every turn and grabbed my wheel nearly each and every time. He also continually pulled up on the emergency brake which was between us whenever he thought I wasn't slowing down enough. I was trying not to slam on the brakes. At one point he reached for it and I skidded to a stop. He started to nag me for not going easy on the brakes and I commented that I noticed him reaching for the emergency brake and thought maybe he wanted me to brake faster. He took the hint, but that was also our last lesson together. At the end of it, we agreed he wasn't showing up the next day and after I determined our business was done I left the car. No goodbye, no thank you, and no hand shake. And my mother picked this guy because he was supposedly extremely patient or something.

I passed my driving test on Friday even though I was very nervous. This weekend I've been driving a lot. I drove out to Hueco Tanks with my friend "Pete". I drove to the mall. I drove to my cousins' house. I drove to my friend's house. I drove to Hanks to meet with my old high school JROTC instructor. Then Tuesday Night, 40% off of wings at Applebee's night, I hit my first stationary object. Hypothetically... I was backing out of a tight parking space. I didn't touch the accelerator, but as I swung out I bumped the car next to me. I cursed and braked and panicked. I pulled back in and put it in park. I got out of the car and looked at the other car. It was dim but you couldn't see where I'd bumped the dark blue car. I could sort of see it, but I had to look. Amazingly, the alarm hadn't gone off (I'm assuming there wasn't one). And even though there had been a girl outside, she was on the cell phone and was deep in conversation I saw her throw her hands up and she had the phone on the same side as the car. I took a deep breath, looked around... and panicked some more. Still cursing. I pulled out (more carefully), and got out of there. I met up with my friends at Sonic, but my confidence was shaken by this situation which may be more or less what I described, but I can neither confirm nor deny the actual facts.

So I feel like I got in a big mistake on top of my little mistakes and my personal accomplishment (because I still get nervous driving in front of my parents, family, and/or friends). I have done a lot this time at home. I was also doubly motivated to start cleaning the guest bathroom. I went through nearly everything that is mine and I have thrown out most of it (old make-up and half-finished bath gels and hair gel). I am nearly done. I have organized under the sink. I just need to sweep and mop and clean the mirrors. My dad just replaced the faucet, so the mess from his getting under the sink inspired me on top of a suggestion from my sister. I am going to go buy a new hamper, because I have the leeway to get any kind I want and because the old one is broken and annoying. I like the guest bathroom, because it is neat. I also want to try to clean the skylight, which is literally littered with random debris from who knows how many years. I have a lot to do tomorrow if I am going to get this done before I leave.

Today I also saw several people I hadn't seen in forever. I have to thank AF Academy J. for setting it up. It was good to see everyone, but there was a lot left unspoken and it was clear from the awkward conversation we all felt guilty for letting our friendships fall by the wayside. It wasn't all of us exactly. Two were work-out buddies. One has become a social hermit except for a few people back home. Two connected over mutual schools. At least a few of them are doing a road trip this weekend to see another mutual friend in Austin. It was interesting to say the least. I am realizing that you can't sum up everyone instantly. I am analyzing my situation through a more cool lens though. I am still the same impatient, snarky, quick to call a judgment (possibly judgmental) person I ever was... but I am coming to grips and not feeling so desolate or depressed about it. I am observing from a more objective standpoint. Sure I'm still an emotional open book and easy to read and I still giggle a lot when I get nervous, but I am learning to shut my trap a little more often which is something I find difficult.

Then this night I met one of my cousins for wings at Applebee's and another friend from wp who brought two of his own friends. It was good to spend an evening just conversing and even if I played it down to be more available for my wp friend and his friends I enjoyed the conversation going on next to me and every now and then butted in (in a friendly manner) to hear an interesting conversation. It was also nice to zone out with Mark though, because it was difficult to stay focused when the stories became riddled with inside jokes or involved people I didn't know.

Overall a very busy day because of the school visit. A few teacher's recognized my AF Academy friend and I but we were such nerds in high school nobody said anything about us being there. And I'm not saying nerd like it's a bad thing. They redid the theater nicely, and they are still working on Hanks. There are a lot less portable classrooms now. I never really like visiting the building, but I enjoy catching up with former teachers. I was devastated to discover there still wasn't wireless internet on campus. I just came to expect it from college.

From all this time there is one thing I feel more of: confidence

This New Feeling

I am buoyed with happiness right now. Even though it is 0515 hours and I'm sitting in the airport waiting for my 0829 flight and I really haven't slept... it doesn't matter or make the smile on my face fade at all. Nor can it stop me from humming all the sappy love songs I know... or from sorta half smiling at everything good that keeps on happening to me.

Did I meet a guy? No. Am I going out with someone? No. I am still blissfully single, but I'm talking to someone who is interested in getting to know me better. That's the beauty of the situation, I'm this happy because of someone who is just a friend. And we're actually not gonna talk to each other that much this summer... we're not even going to speak to each other until I go to LTP for Buckner, and then I think not even until I get at least a week into it. He already gave me tips to call him from Buckner, so I'm going to assume we should wait until then. Meanwhile... I have a life I need to be living. I am getting my license this week no matter how jittery I get. I am going to go hiking sometime maybe this weekend. I am visiting my teachers since school isn't out yet. I am going running and eating some Mexican food that I have been missing and craving.

I am happy to do these things, because someone who is just absolutely amazing thinks that I am amazing and awesome, and wants to pick up where we left off last night... somewhere during dinner at Buffalo Wild Wings and sitting in the Astrology section of Barnes and Noble... we were both undeniably happily enjoying each others' company just laughing and teasing and discussing everything. And even though my allergies and my hormones were making me a grumpy nightmare at the beginning I eventually lightened up and he understood. I felt all the better since I wasn't pretending to be something I wasn't for a man. I mean after all... even as friends, it would be better if he knows who I am and not some projected image of me that tries to cover my flaws. Plus hopefully this way he understands that he genuinely cheered me up.

And speaking of good fortune it comes in droves because I found my keys today and I also got the fee for my one checked bag waived since the lady behind the counter was being nice to me. Kyle stayed with me until it was 0400 because we was waiting for a shuttle to go to Delta terminal. It was a shame because it would have been fun to sit on a plane with him. Well, there is still plenty of time, but I'm temporarily exhausted from the adrenaline and the fun as well as pure sleep deprivation.

Moderation

Alright my room is pretty much cleared out. Which means a lot closer to being completely empty in other words. I didn't sleep at all, but I had planned for this. Yesterday after my typhoid shot and the giving of about a shot's worth of blood yesterday I fell asleep for about 7+ hours. This has been keeping me going along with one red bull which is moderate. I am just going over what I need to do today and it goes something like this:

1. Put away CFT stuff, trunks (2), and bags in basement, trunk room, or day room. (realistically I will only be able to put away about 75% of it today since I need access to certain bags and boxes tomorrow too)
2. Go to the Cadet Store and buy 2 subdued cow brass
3. In the afternoon after the parade and before their lunch break go to the Cadet Health Clinic and pick up malaria pills (for the one island Sao Tiago which carries malaria threat

Sometime this afternoon I also plan on talking to former SL, finalizing plans for Saturday, taking another nice long nap, and then finishing watching Tortilla Soup with my friend. After graduation tomorrow, I will be going out (to eat maybe... maybe something else... I kind of want to just relax and get away from West Point without anything to do), and then returning whereupon SL is giving Kk. and I a ride to Garrison Station and we are taking a very late train (2328) to the city. We'll split a taxi to the airport and get there ~0200 hours. Kk's flight will be leaving earlier than mine, but I feel safe for the trip since we'll be together on the way there.
It's time to start the day, but I feel well-prepared for the next three. It will be great to be home and I'll know I'm ready for the upcoming training.
PS already talked to former SL, finalized plans for today and Saturday, and FOUND my birth certificate which was hidden wedged in an orange folder in a black laptop case behind some pipes above my locker... it's gonna be a goooooooooood day (^^)

Going Slow

I've been dragging my feet a little on all my tasks and my to-do list. As the saying goes, if it weren't for the last minute I wouldn't get anything done. I was talking to my mentor and he told me it's normal to feel burnt out.

I'm supposed to be figuring out who I am this summer. I need a more permanent journal right now I'm sort of just wandering in and out of all of my mediums of expression. I have several notebooks going it's getting difficult for me to organize my thoughts much less all my documents and deadlines. I have to box so much of my stuff still and I don't even have tape to do it with.

I don't have a bad feeling though. After that talk yesterday I actually feel much better rested than I have been. I also have a slightly better idea of how I am going about with my development of self in the leadership category.

My mentor told me that I need to realize that a good leader knows to separate what's personal from what's the leadership. He also told me there are three different types of leadership. Leading your subordinates, leading your peers, and leading those above you. The most important part is that when you are making improvements you are imagining how the system could be bettered, or where it failed, that can make the improvement. You are critiquing the system in order to fix problems. You don't take it personal if someone disrespects you or your position, but you address it and fix it, because the system needs respect to work. If you take it personal you will either collapse and let the disrespect occur or you will overreact. Hence, you separate your personal feelings from leadership. I hope I am explaining what he told me in a coherent fashion, because it not only made sense to me but it motivated me and helped me sort out my feelings about past bad leadership experiences.

Additionally, he told me that gradeswise I probably faced my worst semester. I earned it, so I'm going to say it, my GPA is a 2.955

There it is. It's not a 4.0 or even an even 3.0 right now, though if you rounded it you'd get the latter. However, this was not due to heavy hours or mind-bogglingly difficult work. It was stress and being burnt out and disinterested. This is going to change for many reasons. However, my mentor told me that I displayed qualities and that I obviously expected a lot from myself. He told me he perceived that I wouldn't be happy if I just skated by, under the radar, doing the minimum. He also said that I would want to go to grad school, that education was important and this was probably passed to me unbeknownst to myself from the female lineage of my family.

Whether his perceptions were all accurate or not I don't know, but I listened and appreciated them. They got me to thinking and definitely stirred me from my stupor. That always seems to happen and I'm happy for it, whenever I'm starting to drift off the trail, someone always comes around to get me back on the straight and narrow. I appreciate it, because I don't think I could make it in the wilderness without turning bitter. I want to be working towards something. I want to be successful, but I want to be human. I want to maintain my wandering, and excitable personality. In excess it may be bad, but I'm learning from interacting with other people that these qualities can actually be sought after by less exuberant or passionate people. People who might have the skills and the standards, but who long to be more outgoing. Surprised? I am. But I'm happy to share these qualities with people, and even happier to maybe pick up some tips from my more even-tempered friends.

I Don't Know Who I Am Anymore and That's Okay

I am slowly figuring out who I am slowly. It's a much slower journey than expected. I've messed up recently, but that's okay too. I need to learn to not be such a perfectionist. There are more measures of success than grades or the ability to perform specific tasks. There are more general, more important things. I cannot believe that I've lost sight of that. I used to do things for the pleasure of them, learning physics and calculus was fun and writing was this interest to me to put my thoughts on paper for me. I sort of lost sight of that when I got caught up in the competition that is West Point. I became sad when I didn't perform like I thought I would, and I lost my fire when I suddenly found myself struggling in ways I'd never had to struggle before. It's not as simple as starting an engine up again either. It's not a spark that I'm missing, it's tinder.


These long conversations on Sunday are more and more interesting. I feel like I'm getting a glimpse into someone who is more like me than I knew. I'm getting positive feedback from someone who seems to have it together, and there's no competitive feelings between us and there's an affinity that I certainly can't put a finger on. Maybe I'm seeking this connection, but I don't think I would get such good reception if there wasn't one there before I started looking.


I went for a run today with a friend leaving on a two year mission because he's Mormon. He doesn't know where he's going yet, but I feel it's a shame that I didn't get to know him better and for some reason we're getting along quite well. It's quite accidental and I didn't all of a sudden warm up to him because he was leaving. Plenty of people start to leave and I don't get close to them, like for instance when another guy left at the end of last semester. We never really spoke at all.


However, to avoid lingering on that fact, today we went for a run. It was fun. I made him run up to the trail behind the Jewish Chapel (which I guess isn't really a chapel, but that's the common name here on campus) and we ran up some steep trails up to Fort Putnam which is a historical site on campus but it was closed. I got curious though, so we ran around the edge of its high walls until we found a spot that was passable and we climbed up and did a leader's recon. This is another one of those hypothetical situations of which there is no proof, only rhetorical description. It was fun, it was green, and we definitely had a good - albeit short - run uphill twice. We also did pull-ups. Two sets of five for me, plus three wide grip pull-ups, with about seven half wide grip pull-ups thrown in, and then followed with five pull-ups grip facing towards myself.

I like the trail run, even if I do start wheezing after only ten meters into the green. It's still more fun and more interesting than a run to Lee Gate which is not only boring but to me isn't the easiest thing ever. I have trouble running for three miles at the same pace. I need to work on that. I might go on a long run tomorrow, but it probably still won't be a Lee Gate Run.



I wrote this a couple weeks ago:

I'm Embarking

on a new adventure

on old trails

running straight into Nature.

Into the past
no questions asked

praying that my strength will last.

I'm seeking not a destination

but for some hidden explanation.

How to Apply for the First Time...

Today was not so good, although it was cinco de mayo, it was miles away from cinco de mayo of yester-year. I did not make guacamole this year and there were no decorations around my room. To top it off, I stayed up until four o'clock in the morning just trying to sleep. I woke up barely refreshed and must have looked like death because I had a friend stop by asking if I was okay, he thought I was suffering from a heartbreak. I assured him it was plain sleep deprivation.

I had my appointment to submit my passport and VISA applications today. It went smoothly with the exception that my photo now makes me look like I have no idea how to dress. I was wearing my white crew t-shirt under my As For Class shirt, but I'd brought a nice (tight) civilian top. However there was no place to change and my options were... grandma sweater, raiders fan, or my cute tight civilian top over the white t-shirt. The result is a passport photo that will get shown to as few people as possible. Hopefully I have to retake the photo to go to Portugal. Additionally I had no make-up today and felt pretty miserable so... it probably would have been a pretty good idea to put some on... My expression also says "just shoot me". I will probably get searched a million times especially because I am so smiley in my military I.D. so the two photos will be suspiciously different.

The next bit of misfortune to befall me occurred after I stopped by Grant Hall for a latte with vanilla flavor. I ordered a "Classic Chock" which is multi-grain with cream cheese between and raisins. It's not terribly healthy, but it's not terribly unhealthy. The cashier must've misunderstood me though, because she served me a thick slice of sinfully chocolate cake. I couldn't resist and started to dig in. It was delicious but I felt so guilty. I was on my way to finishing it when I was pleasantly interrupted.

This is when the day began to have an upswing again. A teammate, H, sent out an email on the sandhurst distro requesting a running buddy I threw up the chocolate cake I had consumed at the top of the hill. The endorphins from the intense run had me in good mood for a little bit. Unfortunately my funk returned before I finished this post. I'm once again sad and can't find a good reason. I have a job to do. I have ten people relying on me. That's not even that many. I need to stop thinking negatively. Snap outta it. Let's go? I wish I sounded convincing to myself.

Collective Thought

Got my ink cartridges Sunday. It was a very enjoyable day. It was drizzling and overcast but it was warm. Plus I got an egg sandwich from Dunkin Donuts which really makes it a great Sunday. I also got to have an hour plus talk with someone who I didn't realize I had as much in common with... it's amazing what you learn if you just exchange ideas. People that seem suited to careers might not want them, at least not the contract or the idea of slaving away towards retirement. Naturally, having a family (if that's already in your plans) throws a wrench in a devil-may-care attitude, and I guess I'd better not completely dismiss the idea in case I fall for a guy who is family-minded but I digress

Who'd have thunk that 'the man with the plan' that everyone admires and of whom people say, "I don't think he's ever broken a rule...", that guy who "is" the standard, he and I get along just fine. Why? I dunno. I feel like I'm as far opposite that as possible. My drive is fantastic far-off places. I want to live in a city with a young crowd. I want to be displaced, moved, shaken. I wish i were better at enjoying life than I am, then at least I could claim I was good at something besides being frenetic and comic-book drawings. However, it was strange how we both agreed on one thing. Neither or us could see (doesn't mean it won't happen), but neither of us could see ourselves stuck somewhere in the future. Neither of us could really explain ourselves, but he agreed,

"It's like you said, I want to be able to go."

I had described that as the life I wanted in the city. The ability to just go, to not have my time metered out to me in blocks and charts. He described it in a different sense, but somehow meaning something similar. I was surprised. It's not that I didn't think he was capable of that, but I assumed he would crave consistency and stability and here he was craving something he had no name for but in the outdoors in the future. He couldn't see himself doing the Army career at the exact moment we spoke. For all I know, his opinion has shifted and right now he is positive he is going to stay for life, but we shared that for a moment in time. It was brief, but it was great. I was on the same page with him, and it's okay because I'm still on my page. I'm still on my path and it's different and carved uniquely through time.

I guess it really made me feel confident because another friend of mine who is determined to do the military career told me vehemently that this guy is definitely going to stay in for life. According to my friend, Blondie, there's no other possibility. I think B. is career-driven which is fine, but he sort of slaves towards that end. It's okay, but I look at him and wonder if he's fulfilled. He is busy and satisfied and hard-working... harder working than I certainly. I wonder if he will look around someday and think that maybe he worked a little too hard on his career and not enough on things that make him happy without serving any particular military or career benefit. He hasn't exactly been very nice either. I stopped by the other day to invite him out for coffee and after that and my stopping by later he told me to not imagine we are 'dating'. The manner in which he told me was quite rude, because I left immediately and right after I left his roommate (who had been pretending to be listening to music on his headphones or legitimately trying to block our noise) told him he was being a real "D" which prompted him to apologize to me. I still remain offended because I was just being friendly, if he wants to read into it I won't invite him out to coffee. I mean it's just one of those things you do here at West Point, it's the social exchange that centers around food. Why do you think there are party pizzas? I love to go to Grant with friends even if I already ate, we just talk while they get their food or wait for their pizza. Some people need to get off their high horse and realize when a friendly offer is that and no more.

Well, it's the end of the year and I have a tendency to suddenly do something that isn't exactly well thought-out, impetuous is a better word. I am struggling to stay focused. More to follow.

Symbolism in the Hallway

Late this evening I was in the hallway when former Sandhurst SL returned to the barracks. We engaged in a discussion carried on from the last couple of days in which we compared fishing and shopping. I agreed with my fellow teammate "Mia" that the two could be compared experience-wise and if that was to be disproved it could only be done by someone who had compared the two. We said that since SL hadn't experienced shopping - in particular for dresses - than he couldn't prove the two were incomparable. As we argued, laughing most of the time, me calling him "stubborn" and him calling me "violent" (honestly, as though that had anything to do with the fact that my argument was sound) we dragged various people into our argument. One girl was at the ccq desk and sided with me while random company-mate walking down the hall and having heard about our argument earlier, took SL's side.

For no particular reason rando-guy and I started to wrestle and stopped when we heard a pop and the metallic jangle of something falling on the floor. It was my necklace... the gift from my ex. I picked it up and was only a little sad to find the chain had broken. Is it symbolic though? Am I really over that part of my life now and ready to move on to a new beginning of me really getting to know me? I know the point of the time without my ex at all (even if our interaction was limited to just as friends) is for self-discovery and self-development. I'm hoping that's what this means.

Additionally earlier tonight I was out shopping with Mia and I bought a great bag and five more camis that were $2.50 as well as two cute casual tops that are perfect for the summer. Nothing big, all great deals, I swear! We ate a slice of cheesecake at The Cheesecake Factory which I can finally say I've experienced and talked the whole time about everything really. I tried on so many cute shoes I was sad to remind myself I absolutely needed to buy a medium-sized purse for outings, and I was on the lookout for cute tops to go with my very cute new jeans. My old jeans weren't as classic so I had tops that were the defining part of my outfits or that hid my jeans with loose or long cuts. Now I have absolutely awesome jeans that fit so amazing, the cut of my jeans is ironically called the same name as my cousin whom I called tonight and spoke with. It's funny she says she and her friend only read my blog one time when they were "really bored" in class, which made me laugh.

At the Cheesecake factory it was Rando-guy, Rando-guy's friend, Mia, and I all discussing different aspects of romantic prospects or engaged in conversation about various what not, I guess we were having so much fun the conversation got fuzzy. Those conversations are naturally the best. Mostly we drew common interests and poked fun at each other even on the way back in the car. We talked about GPA's, sponsor families, wine, states (most notably how awesome Texas is), and people in the company. We talked about Rando-guy's fiance and about how Mia and I probably weren't in the business of getting married anytime soon since we're both such independent women. It was engaging conversation and so much fun. Rando-guy's friend commented that even before he and Rando-guy arrived that Mia and I seemed to be "having a ball." I replied,

"That's just what we do you should just hang out with us more often."

It was a great day overall. I am going slightly backwards with the timeline because before the shopping trip I went to Highland Falls for the Relay for Life at which we walked to support research for the treatment of cancer. At the very beginning I arrived with J's girlfriend. She is very nice and very much a BAMF. She runs triathlon and she is going to SAPPER school this summer (an elite school that's a lot like RANGER school except with a distinctly engineer-like flavor so I've heard: essentially sleep and food deprivation wrapped in physically-demanding packaging for four weeks). She has said things like, "As far as kids, I'm hoping to have a team or squad-sized element." which no one has let her live down. She is amazing. We agreed to be doused in water from a giant water balloon that was suspended in a cage that would pop the balloon if a target was hit with a beanbag. We had fun getting each other (although honestly I missed all three times and the guy running the show had to just hit it manually to make it fair... it was free so we didn't lose any money) and it was refreshingly cool in the summer sun. I ran into a lot of people and just had conversation. I ended up walking back with my old team leader and just exchanging stories and talking about everything.

The day was good and long and the weather was great. I couldn't complain about a day like this... especially one that ended so great and that promises an amazing tomorrow as well. I will probably fall asleep with a smile tonight.