Okay maybe 116.8 lb?

There are bigger things on my mind to keep me awake at 1:30 in the morn'

Mostly it's the doozy this week is turning out to be. Whew! I mean, one grueling swim test tomorrow (joy, not). One CE300 WPR Tuesday morning. Watching the Sosh Run in the afternoon which "Sunny" is doing. Wednesday is a law trip section. Thursday two essays are due. Friday I am going to be starving. Meanwhile every night will be full-up with a hard cardio-filled work-out. Pretty much just drinking water and fruits and light protein between now and Wed. Just water and small carbs on Thursday. And... who knows on Friday?

The bigger things though... they are more emotionally related. I felt, defeated this last Friday. I felt undone like the biggest ceramic piece of art had just fallen off a shelf and exploded in the middle of my room. Shards and shards of pottery everywhere and dust coating everything. Strewn amid the regular crap I usually have on my floor it would have been an utter disaster. That's how I felt about Friday. Pretty much ready to cry from sheer frustration. Tonight I feel like I've been running uphill academically this weekend. I feel like I've reached the crest of a hill only to see more hill in front of that and my lungs just won't work right. I can't catch my breath. I'm intimidated. I'm... weary. I want so badly to pause, not stop but take a breath and a break.

On a side note speaking of runs, I took Sunny on a pretty great run. We ran past the cemetery up a hill up towards Michie Stadium than down and a left down a curvy road that mostly ran along Thayer Road. It was more than a two-mile run for sure and it had up and downhill. Plus I ran much faster than he expected. Which also made me suffer a little... but not too bad. The best part is that I haven't had any pain in my hip or my shins!!! OMG!! Even though my hip is popping like I've been running more. I'd say that this last week I ran... um... eleven miles this week! And lifted like a mad-woman. And drilled three times last week and wrestled live twice!

But alas... there might be matters of the heart that are confusing me. Surely these things deserve the least amount of my attention. They are the 'least-important' things to consider. I shouldn't even give them a sentence. They don't need a metaphor. They are scattered day-dreams. They are sappy love songs in gritty old school rock about cars and the 'heat of the moment' and all that crap. Obviously this has no place in my mind right now. And me being the absolute image of self-control and cool-headedness... well Lord knows that right now I'm completely focused on all the many more 'important' things in my life. My heart has no sway over how I act. I am so much better than that. Sigh... hopefully the thickness of the sarcasm here is palpable enough to be a slap in the face. I am what I am, and who else do I have to confide in when my former confidante would rather drink half a bottle of wine before crashing on her bed?

How to Apply for the First Time...

Today was not so good, although it was cinco de mayo, it was miles away from cinco de mayo of yester-year. I did not make guacamole this year and there were no decorations around my room. To top it off, I stayed up until four o'clock in the morning just trying to sleep. I woke up barely refreshed and must have looked like death because I had a friend stop by asking if I was okay, he thought I was suffering from a heartbreak. I assured him it was plain sleep deprivation.

I had my appointment to submit my passport and VISA applications today. It went smoothly with the exception that my photo now makes me look like I have no idea how to dress. I was wearing my white crew t-shirt under my As For Class shirt, but I'd brought a nice (tight) civilian top. However there was no place to change and my options were... grandma sweater, raiders fan, or my cute tight civilian top over the white t-shirt. The result is a passport photo that will get shown to as few people as possible. Hopefully I have to retake the photo to go to Portugal. Additionally I had no make-up today and felt pretty miserable so... it probably would have been a pretty good idea to put some on... My expression also says "just shoot me". I will probably get searched a million times especially because I am so smiley in my military I.D. so the two photos will be suspiciously different.

The next bit of misfortune to befall me occurred after I stopped by Grant Hall for a latte with vanilla flavor. I ordered a "Classic Chock" which is multi-grain with cream cheese between and raisins. It's not terribly healthy, but it's not terribly unhealthy. The cashier must've misunderstood me though, because she served me a thick slice of sinfully chocolate cake. I couldn't resist and started to dig in. It was delicious but I felt so guilty. I was on my way to finishing it when I was pleasantly interrupted.

This is when the day began to have an upswing again. A teammate, H, sent out an email on the sandhurst distro requesting a running buddy I threw up the chocolate cake I had consumed at the top of the hill. The endorphins from the intense run had me in good mood for a little bit. Unfortunately my funk returned before I finished this post. I'm once again sad and can't find a good reason. I have a job to do. I have ten people relying on me. That's not even that many. I need to stop thinking negatively. Snap outta it. Let's go? I wish I sounded convincing to myself.