Sunday, January 9, 2011

Holding my Breath in Consideration

Trying to accomplish a lot with the beginning of the year is a great undertaking.

This weekend I bought some spaghetti-O's, a bowl, a dustbuster, and trashbags.  I re-made my bed, and washed and ironed my uniform.  It was a short weekend.  This month I plan on a couple of big purchases for my birthday and the room.  My roommate and I want a fridge.  I also would like a rug.  She would prefer a futon.  I'm not as interested in the futon.  We can't have overnight guests even if my friends could visit, so... it's a luxury I'm not interested in.

I've got to get cracking on my thesis essay, double check which major I'm trying to get honors in, and ace my law class if that's possible, so far I'm not feeling it.  Law of Armed Conflict is a tough bird, and the instructor is hard for me to read.

Have been hanging out more with peers who are in my company.  It's been fun although a little awkward at times for me.  I want to hang out with my classmates, I like to, but sometimes I feel a little bit like I'm off-foot.  A lot more people get the vibe that I'm a feminist, which I'm not sure I like.  Do I seem like an angry one?  I feel more weary than angry, more tired than vehement, more exhausted than driven.  I just think it's interesting that another girl I spoke to recently about women in combat said we weren't ready and she couldn't feel like that if there weren't enough women in leadership positions.  So this is the answer?  Role models, what about instances where there were no role models?  We have to learn to do things by ourselves, too.  There aren't enough women for us to each pick one to follow, we'll have to blaze our own trails too.


I had to add to this post because my torn feelings returned in time for me to add them.  I had made up my mind to not do Sandhurst because I am reluctant to get hurt my Firstie year for a competition I've done once in my life.  I changed my mind when the squad leader stopped by and basically asked me to stay as long as I still wanted to do the competition.  I do still want to do the competition in many ways.  I'm a competitive person, I'm fit, I love shooting, I believe it's practical and applicable.  But I question if I have the motivation anymore.  I don't feel a deep longing in me to do it anymore.  I feel obligated to do it now.  I keep changing my mind.  Little things set me off, so this morning I felt fed up with something frivolous and I can't imagine giving up any of my saturdays for this.  In the end, what is it that I don't want to do?  Who are my friends?  Are more of them on or off the team?  I need to do some soul-searching.  The trainer recommended if I didn't have to do the competition he wouldn't recommend doing it.  But this was more from sandhurst teams pushing too hard too fast in their train ups.  More mind-numbing mind-changing to follow.  I hope to reach a conclusion by the end of the month.

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