Had it to Here

I realized today that guys can be crummy (or wonderful) whether they like you or not.  And sometimes in a place like the one I'm in you try to overlook how bad a guy can make you feel and that's not the right answer.  Just because he is the majority and you don't want to rock the boat doesn't justify his actions towards you.  And so many guys harbor this unsettling and low on the radar hostility for women because there seems to be the unspoken fear that women have the upper hand here.  And that doesn't make this place unique, there are all sorts of male-dominated fields where being a woman can subject you to "tokenism" meaning that, due to the low representation you have in field, how you perform goes under the knife and everyone dissects it peeling back layers and over analyzing the consequences of your actions.  It's enough to make any woman a little stressful.  It's enough to make a woman want to mitigate the magnification of her mistakes.

I don't mean to sound bitter or disgruntled.  But even when one tries to make me see the bright side, don't tell me I should be quietly and overwhelmingly “grateful” for a country that historically grudgingly paid for the education of my kind -- women -- at the best institution in the world (because originally it was argued that women shouldn’t be allowed into west point because a majority of west point graduates went combat arms and that wasn’t for women anyway so it wasn’t “necessary” for women to be at west point).  They will let me die for my country but will dictate to me how I should go about training up to avoid such death since after all it was MacArthur who said, "You don't win wars by dying for your country you win wars by making the other son of a bitch die for his"  The Army with it's brass ceiling… and if I ever reach high ranks you think people won't malign my name?

America is highly advanced… but ignoring her flaws out of patriotism isn't the right thing to do.

But all this annoyed talk isn't the vent of a jaded young woman, rather this is the talk of a revolutionary.  I am open and ready for rejection.  I carry on.  Our story, the story of women in the military wouldn't be as interesting if we were given every advantage in the field.  In fact sometimes I am exhilarated by the fact that every compliment and acknowledgment I get in this job is hard-earned against the odds in many ways.  If there ever was a challenging situation to tackle, this would be it.  And I love challenges, hell all the women who stay in these tough and difficult situations must be gluttons for punishment!  Women are the unsung heroes of the world, and the unwept for casualties.  I recently read about misandry... the opposite of misogyny... history, the present-day, and the numbers easily reveal that the idea of man-hating while it surely exists isn't the norm.  It's just a shame when a woman hems in her fellow-woman to protect her male counterpart.  If you are free to be a housewife without limitation, and I bar you no ill will, than let me pursue my goals as a full citizen of this Nation.

People

I wrote this as a response to a very pessimistic statement I read online and I still stand by it:

People is a broad category, and while it's okay to be frustrated with people it shouldn't make you categorize everybody one way or another. Because you're "people" too. So not everyone sees things black and white and that they are on the ...right side fighting against an undefined evil. A lot of people question themselves, or their country if they are serving their nation in a government job for example. In spite of the many far-leaning folks on either side, there are many moderates who in spite of biased news, a bad economy, and a costly war, make decisions with the best logic they can which is in the end fallible because we're all human. We're all "people".

 

That's all I have tonight, more posts in the near future.

The Citadel & Shannon Faulkner

She has her own less than a half a page entry on Wikipedia.  When this woman was a girl, she fought in court for the right to be admitted to The Citadel, an all-male state-supported Military Academy in South Carolina.  The state carelessly gave her exactly what she wanted in 1995 without regard for success of the operation or the social era.  She essentially quit within 4 hours and the cadets celebrated with catchy phrases such as, "Save the Males."  Congratulations, gentleman.  Even though in 1996 they had to let women in anyway... the Citadel has lagged behind the other Academies in terms of female integration.

However looking at the case... every so often there must be some male who isn't fit for the Citadel who quits in less than an hour (we do after all have prospective cadets quit within the half hour at West Point, and usually there is a cheer as the first person to figure out this is not their route quits... but there is not usually a derogatory statement made about that person)... and no one will remember that failure.  No one will remember why he did not become a cadet at the Citadel because he did not have to challenge a system, an academy, a state, or cherished tradition in order to be allowed his chance to show up and fail utterly.

So Shannon Faulkner quit and ended up becoming a middle school teacher according to Wikipedia, and is still a source of mockery and a target of sexist ridicule in South Carolina... but why?  All she did was show up... all she did was ask: why not?  And it wasn't for her... but the same men who will admire the quote by Theodore Roosevelt about the man in the arena, don't realize she was the one in the arena.  For all their bravado... the men  really shouldn't have cheered at all because that only showed how petty they were... and as was pointed out to me by someone else, the greatest leaders are not the overt sexists.  A man who is so insecure he cannot stand the thought of a woman co-existing with him in the workplace, a boy really who is too childish to let anyone in his "boys" club and who throws a fit when the door is opened to women... he isn't really the type of leader I care for, but I wouldn't generalize on all of mankind for his foolishness or his "cold and timid soul".

Theodore Roosevelt's Man in the Arena Quote:

It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.

Back into the Fray!

There's so much more to do, and tomorrow and the next days are truly busy.  Currently I'm taking on the tasks of being the grappling coach in my company, a section leader (so seven subordinates), and a firstie (senior) at this interesting institution.  It's not every day that I feel inspired, and I'm sure you can tell from the lenth of time between posts, but today is one of those days.  Listening to Blue Lips by Regina Spektor, for some reason the tune lifts my spirits.

Individually, I'm trying to stay pumped since the brigade open wrestling tournament of 2011.  My weight class - 135lb, the lightest weight class and 10lb heaver than I am - was rumored to be stacked.  I lost twice, and it was a little emotional, but mostly because I don't know when I'll wrestle again.  I guess my passionate reaction means that it will happen one day...

I also was suppose to have hit the 25 pg mark for my thesis today and I got my 15 page draft back Tuesday.  To that end I have to read 85 pages between now and that draft, plus another intimidating document on top of that and I have to start getting hard copies of every case I reference.  I've got two drafts to burn through.  I have an assignment for Officership class, and have to take my screening forms to the Trainers at Arvin Gym again this Monday.

It's always a good thing to be this busy, and at the same time... I wish I could shut everything else off and focus on the paper for some time or that I could settle in my room with a glass of wine and a bigger desk and better lighting and bettter heating.  Basically an apartment to retreat into and work out of!  More to follow (and I've learned to dislike that phrase too!)

Lioness or Feminist?

I am reminded of the lyrics to "Meet Virginia" - I want to live this life, and I don't really want to live this life (this life meaning a way of life, not life itself).

So, honest self-assessment:  I want to further equal rights.  Yet I appreciate being a woman, I don't consider myself extremely masculine, it's just not me.  Further, I don't believe that men are assholes, in fact I rather like men.  I understand most women don't want to do what I want to do.  But I believe everyone should have the right to try and if they're capable than you shouldn't be allowed to hem us in.  Women should have the freedom to fail like any man for any job.  So, being a soldier, I am uncomfortable with the Combat Exclusion Policy, because it establishes a restriction before I can begin to analyze whether or not I even want what the policy says I can't have.  And the attention I draw to this, and the desire I have for people to at least make educated decisions on this... make people label me as a feminist.  Which I don't appreciate, not because I don't support women's rights, but no one wants to be a feminist.  Who would listen if I said I was a feminist?  And do I even consider myself one?  It's hard enough now to get people, primarily men but some women too, to listen and really hear me and I try to emphasize that at this point I don't really consider myself a feminist.  But on the feminist issue, I had to look this quote up, got it from my sister, and then laugh when I saw it is attributed to controversial Christian televangelist host Pat Robertson:

"The Feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism, and become lesbians."

Naturally.

Regardless if he actually said it or not, this sort of statement sums up my frustration with the term "feminist".  I am a woman, and I believe that women should be treated equal to men in society.  Equal is a tough thing to determine.  Equal does not mean in every instance exactly the same.  But it's the American way too isn't it?  That every man has the same opportunity.  I should hope that implicitly this means every man and woman.  I don't think this supposition, or hope, or wish makes me feminist.  Perhaps I am an idealist.  I wish that we were all mature enough for such a world to exist.  It is disappointing that instead of becoming educated, so many argue with me based on pure opinion.  They cite out of date studies.  They have never perused a compendium or so much as an article about women in combat.  They haven't asked and challenged a superior officer on the subject.  Or just asked and listened to her if she believed women ought to be allowed in some jobs and roles.  I have listened to men and women alike.  I have been told just how wrong I am, and how incapable, how my menstruation and smaller muscular structure and mere gender will get me and others killed out there on some isolated combat outpost or on a patrol outside the wire.  I have listened a lot more than most men out there realize.  I have sympathized with their arguments, and I have wondered many times if this country really is ready.
But I feel like insofar as capability to deliver a positive message, the feminist movement and anyone who declares themselves a feminist only discredits their own argument in moderate to conservative circles. In my mind, the term and the movement have lost a lot of power.  Now women's rights activists or lobbyists or advocacy groups exist and the term feminist has a stigma women want to stay away from.  A freshman today when asked what she thought about the combat exclusion policy by a male cadet whose opinion was obvious replied,

"Well I have no aspiration to be in any sort of combat unit.  The only people who really push for it are the feminists who want to do those sorts of jobs.  And I had to research a little the history of the policy, and the other argument was about how men would want to protect the women."

at which point a sophomore piped in,

"Yeah there's a study that proves that."

at which point I piped in,

"There's also a study that shows that under life-threatening conditions your survival is top priority regardless of gender.  Whose to say which study is more correct?"

because come on, there's a study?  Of course there is.  There are plenty of studies that prove both ways.  And more recent studies have proven the opposite of older studies.  Older studies said that women were naturally psychologically worse-equipped to deal with gore... but then what about war nurses?  The conversation I couldn't remember word for word, but I just remember the freshman saying explicitly that only feminists want this opportunity.

What Feminists? Who here would say they are a feminist? The Feminists are Dead.

Holding my Breath in Consideration

Trying to accomplish a lot with the beginning of the year is a great undertaking.

This weekend I bought some spaghetti-O's, a bowl, a dustbuster, and trashbags.  I re-made my bed, and washed and ironed my uniform.  It was a short weekend.  This month I plan on a couple of big purchases for my birthday and the room.  My roommate and I want a fridge.  I also would like a rug.  She would prefer a futon.  I'm not as interested in the futon.  We can't have overnight guests even if my friends could visit, so... it's a luxury I'm not interested in.

I've got to get cracking on my thesis essay, double check which major I'm trying to get honors in, and ace my law class if that's possible, so far I'm not feeling it.  Law of Armed Conflict is a tough bird, and the instructor is hard for me to read.

Have been hanging out more with peers who are in my company.  It's been fun although a little awkward at times for me.  I want to hang out with my classmates, I like to, but sometimes I feel a little bit like I'm off-foot.  A lot more people get the vibe that I'm a feminist, which I'm not sure I like.  Do I seem like an angry one?  I feel more weary than angry, more tired than vehement, more exhausted than driven.  I just think it's interesting that another girl I spoke to recently about women in combat said we weren't ready and she couldn't feel like that if there weren't enough women in leadership positions.  So this is the answer?  Role models, what about instances where there were no role models?  We have to learn to do things by ourselves, too.  There aren't enough women for us to each pick one to follow, we'll have to blaze our own trails too.

***

I had to add to this post because my torn feelings returned in time for me to add them.  I had made up my mind to not do Sandhurst because I am reluctant to get hurt my Firstie year for a competition I've done once in my life.  I changed my mind when the squad leader stopped by and basically asked me to stay as long as I still wanted to do the competition.  I do still want to do the competition in many ways.  I'm a competitive person, I'm fit, I love shooting, I believe it's practical and applicable.  But I question if I have the motivation anymore.  I don't feel a deep longing in me to do it anymore.  I feel obligated to do it now.  I keep changing my mind.  Little things set me off, so this morning I felt fed up with something frivolous and I can't imagine giving up any of my saturdays for this.  In the end, what is it that I don't want to do?  Who are my friends?  Are more of them on or off the team?  I need to do some soul-searching.  The trainer recommended if I didn't have to do the competition he wouldn't recommend doing it.  But this was more from sandhurst teams pushing too hard too fast in their train ups.  More mind-numbing mind-changing to follow.  I hope to reach a conclusion by the end of the month.

Starting off 2011

Every time I'm home I read The Undomestic Goddess by Sophie Kinsella.  I admit I didn't finish it this time but it's going with me.  I did finish All Quiet on the Western Front and Squirrel seeks Chipmunk.  Anyway I'm taking my Kinsella book with me, along with a framed gift from several years ago and several more articles of clothing than I arrived with.  At least I'm only leaving with one extra pair of shoes this time...  and to be fair I am leaving behind a pair of boots to be fixed... at any rate.

This has to be quick because once again I'm packing up until the hour I leave my dusty hometown yet another year.  I am in a slight panic.  I love this city somewhat.  I love the food here anyway.  And here I love sleeping in so late.  I love being able to study whatever comes to my fancy.  I admit I wish I had a car here, and an apartment maybe... but only for a little bit.  I would want to travel again.  But for now I am a little sad.  I want to stay... tomorrow I go back.

My hair is in worse shape but I haven't bit my nails since being home, which is highly unusual.  I stayed in for New Years and I won a cash game of poker, Texas Hold 'Em.  While on break, I told a guy off.  I went downtown with my cousin.  I played the new Kinect by Xbox.  I was kicked out of a club technically.  I went to a sports bar and bowling with my other cousins who I don't see as often.  I went to a new gym with family too, tried civilian-style Crossfit.  I saw my grandpa twice.  I ate menudo.  I drove to clear my mind.  I went to Zumba classes with my mom a couple of evenings.

My New Year's Resolutions are varied and complex - I'd like to think anyway - I'll develop them as time passes.  Right now the 50meter target is the flight in less than 3 hours.  Then it's getting to school in one piece.  Than reorganization half-week.  Than classes.  It's going to be a lot and it's going to be so great.  By the time I relax it will be my twenty-first birthday which I cannot wait for!  I have a thesis to finish and get ready to defend.  I have a lot more research to do, a second semester in German to schedule, and a spring break plan to make.  I have, I have, I have.  I am feeling very happy and absolutely have to finish packing now!  More on my goals next time!  Soon I take flight!