I have some good news, and I have some stressful news, and I guess I might have what could be considered bad news but I've come to terms with it.
I have written some blogs that have an edgy critical tone to them, but I haven't posted most of them because I write them when I'm in the full grip of my emotional reactions. I still wear my emotions on my sleeve. Looks like my 46 month experience hasn't "cured" me of that old habit. I look at my life right now and I wonder if it's supposed to be so disheveled. It feels like I'm balancing on a tight-rope... like the beginning of my cadet career was a wide open road that, as time progressed, narrowed to an uphill path, and then a sunny alpine summit which was also the point of no return when I fully committed to five years in the U.S. Army. Now I've crossed some rickety wooden foot-bridges and finally I'm at the edge, so close yet so far from graduation.
The good, or humorous, news is that I got back my Portuguese Defense Language Proficiency Test Scores back and I got a 26/30 on the Listening portion which is a 2+ and 30/30 on the Reading portion which is a 3. That's almost maxing the test! I'm hoping to use this as proof that I have the ability to learn languages and maybe be sent to study more languages in the future. I also took the test in Spanish and German. In German, which I've only been trying to mostly teach myself for not quite yet a year, I got a 1 in both Listening and Reading. In Spanish I got a 1 and 2 respectively. Not too bad for a language I've specifically avoided since beginning to study Portuguese, and I'm still quite pleased about the Portuguese results. I am a little bit saddened that in order to get even basic Farsi or Dari or Pashtun I will need to study for at least a full year especially given these languages are so much more difficult. However, I am hoping that learning so many different languages has given me an edge in learning other languages a little bit faster each time. At least it seems sometimes that as I study I'm just increasing my mind's flexibility to identify objects at a level that almost seems language-ambiguous. Of course can't change one's native tongue, but native-English speaker isn't a bad thing at any rate, and there's plenty of time for me to improve in other languages.
The stressful news is my to-do list is out the door it's so long! Today I took care of a handful, but there's so many people I need to call or offices I need to stop by and two big papers to finish (which I guess I should be writing now as opposed to this blog, but that's neither here nor there). I also have a shopping list that needs to be checked off and soon. I've got to throw out worn out clothes and donate the ones I just don't wear anymore (which is difficult for me to admit). I didn't turn in some of my big coats from West Point and I'm not sure what I'll do with that... We get to ship some things home, some to our TDY (Temporary Duty Assignment... don't ask me what the Y stands for! but let me know if you know...), and some to our Permanent Duty Station. I've got to figure out what is going where and what the heck I'm going to do with my car... I just realized even if I ship my car to Germany (since the Army will do that I hear...) I don't have a driving license for there... so... now I have some questions that require answers and I probably should call the travel Counselor.
And finally the bad news I guess. I am getting in trouble, though it looks like not until next week, which is okay because this weekend is the only one I had anything planned where I wanted to get out of here at least until graduation week. I'm so excited, yet I've been distant to people asking me about my pre-graduation plans. In my mind, I need to get a grip of my to-do list before it spirals out of control, and then I can respond more kindly to all these inquiries. I feel bad, but I think I'm a little bit more scatter-brained than most when it comes to this place. There's just so much here that I feel apathetic towards, it's difficult to filter what is important and really put my heart and soul into those projects.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Friday, April 15, 2011
This Academy
Had a scary dream that my dream guy got engaged. In the dream it was after several years of waiting so long for him (I was much older in the dream and apparently single and waiting on this guy), that when I found out he was taken, it was a crushing blow. I think this is an internal warning for me to avoid setting my expectations in stone for others in the future. I have to pursue my own goals, or I might trap myself in disappointment - but this was only the beginning of unfortunate events this week.
Speaking of disappointment in Cadet Land... I'm getting recommended for a military 'C' which means just plain vanilla average, so it shouldn't bother me, but it was the wording that bothered me, "[This Cadet] has improved vastly... but I feel she is behind the curve of her classmates."
What curve? I'm sorry what more have I failed to do in my hardly existent job? Did I turn in pointless weekly reports in too late one too many a time? Did I not have useless information to you soon enough? I stopped arguing with you so much, and my grade stays flatline and you think I'm still behind the curve... what the hell was the grading methodology? I bring up valid points. I differentiate between this fake world and the world we're going into. I have enthusiasm, and the desire to do the right thing no matter what. I get frustrated with incompetence and get snippy when my superiors try to tell me something without a proper explanation. I'm not so stupid as to complain blindly. I have never just bitched and moaned about something unless I really thought it was screwed up. And my job is... to make sure four of my peers, and three juniors... do their job. What more could I/should I have done? What's the point? Thanks for the mid-term counseling that said, "Just don't argue with the system so much." and then turn around and say I still missed the point. What was the point? The point was that I'm a poor cadet who doesn't grasp the concept of being a silly, mindless twat who has my nose so far in a Standard Operating Procedure book he cannot see past the voluminous yet sharply lacking pages to see the human side of the men and women he leads. The point is that if you look at my performance it has always been best at the things that will probably matter more in my job. I'm still a smart, proficient, intelligent woman. And you claim that I'm behind the curve... what curve? Who gave you the right to make up a stupid curve? Just say I'm average and I would accept it without question, maybe even with a smile. I know I'm not average in everything... but I would accept being called average. But being called behind my peers??? As though by some ridiculous chance I'm actually less mature than the ones against whom you compare me? I pride myself on a couple things, and that is certainly one of them. I may screw up time and time again, but we all do, and if you look at the content of my work and the content of my words... you might see I actually surprisingly surpass some of my classmates, asshole. Inadvertent asshole that you are being.
So much pent up... so much held inside. I feel as though I'm reeling back three and half years of bitterness aching to escape my mouth. Just the other day I was threatened with a warning of a 'regulations' violation. The intent of the rule I broke is to prevent inappropriate behavior. It is a rule rarely enforced... and usually the perpetrators are just unlucky enough to be caught by the kind of Cadet who either has no social skills to speak of or is the ultimate hypocrite. And now I have two lates to the same class that are going to get me hours in Central Area. Good, than I can join the real Corps, not the supposed fake one full of nervous ninnies aching to shine in the academic and promotional arena. I'm here to do the right thing and make a difference at the lowest levels for my time... and I pray the real Army frustrates me a fraction as much as this God-awful Cadet World where up is down, right is wrong, and the Honor Code is more important than real Honor. I feel like I live in a dystopia.
Speaking of disappointment in Cadet Land... I'm getting recommended for a military 'C' which means just plain vanilla average, so it shouldn't bother me, but it was the wording that bothered me, "[This Cadet] has improved vastly... but I feel she is behind the curve of her classmates."
What curve? I'm sorry what more have I failed to do in my hardly existent job? Did I turn in pointless weekly reports in too late one too many a time? Did I not have useless information to you soon enough? I stopped arguing with you so much, and my grade stays flatline and you think I'm still behind the curve... what the hell was the grading methodology? I bring up valid points. I differentiate between this fake world and the world we're going into. I have enthusiasm, and the desire to do the right thing no matter what. I get frustrated with incompetence and get snippy when my superiors try to tell me something without a proper explanation. I'm not so stupid as to complain blindly. I have never just bitched and moaned about something unless I really thought it was screwed up. And my job is... to make sure four of my peers, and three juniors... do their job. What more could I/should I have done? What's the point? Thanks for the mid-term counseling that said, "Just don't argue with the system so much." and then turn around and say I still missed the point. What was the point? The point was that I'm a poor cadet who doesn't grasp the concept of being a silly, mindless twat who has my nose so far in a Standard Operating Procedure book he cannot see past the voluminous yet sharply lacking pages to see the human side of the men and women he leads. The point is that if you look at my performance it has always been best at the things that will probably matter more in my job. I'm still a smart, proficient, intelligent woman. And you claim that I'm behind the curve... what curve? Who gave you the right to make up a stupid curve? Just say I'm average and I would accept it without question, maybe even with a smile. I know I'm not average in everything... but I would accept being called average. But being called behind my peers??? As though by some ridiculous chance I'm actually less mature than the ones against whom you compare me? I pride myself on a couple things, and that is certainly one of them. I may screw up time and time again, but we all do, and if you look at the content of my work and the content of my words... you might see I actually surprisingly surpass some of my classmates, asshole. Inadvertent asshole that you are being.
So much pent up... so much held inside. I feel as though I'm reeling back three and half years of bitterness aching to escape my mouth. Just the other day I was threatened with a warning of a 'regulations' violation. The intent of the rule I broke is to prevent inappropriate behavior. It is a rule rarely enforced... and usually the perpetrators are just unlucky enough to be caught by the kind of Cadet who either has no social skills to speak of or is the ultimate hypocrite. And now I have two lates to the same class that are going to get me hours in Central Area. Good, than I can join the real Corps, not the supposed fake one full of nervous ninnies aching to shine in the academic and promotional arena. I'm here to do the right thing and make a difference at the lowest levels for my time... and I pray the real Army frustrates me a fraction as much as this God-awful Cadet World where up is down, right is wrong, and the Honor Code is more important than real Honor. I feel like I live in a dystopia.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Quick Update for the Beginning of April
This week I am a little rushed as I add the conclusion to my trip to San Remo, Italy as I left that hanging in my last entry.
The current tempo makes me feel like the 47-month experience has been a long swim. Sometimes I've been struggling under the surface, sometimes just going with the flow, and now graduation is like some waterfall looming ahead. I'm being pulled along faster and inevitably towards that ultimate end of my time as a cadet.
I have not been having moments of self doubt about my decision to come here, but about my preparation. And then there are moments where I am acutely aware of the burden about to be placed on my shoulders. Sometimes I feel like I'm taking a heavy weight on my chest, and other times I feel twinges of the same enthusiastic excitement that gripped me when I first received acceptance into this academy. I had an early notice of acceptance, and maybe that made me think a little less on my decision, but I am here now and I am sure that I can have a positive impact on my Army. And that is something that some very smart men and women I have met have told me, and that is their belief that my unique perspective will do good for the Army. The Army needs intelligent Officers in every branch, and the junior officer is the level of Officer closest to the Soldiers that make up the greater warfighting organization. The junior officer is important because to do your duty at that level means little credit but great impact, and while you may never have to exert the power associated with your role if your senior Noncommissioned Officers are doing their jobs, it is your duty as a junior officer to be ready for your Soldiers and for the Army and for your country. Doing the right thing is in the end better for everyone, even if difficult and even if it threatens your own existence.
At any rate, I have thought on my decision since arrival and concluded this is where I belong right now. I've faced many challenges, and events and things which have changed my point of view many times. And that is where the self doubt has crept into my life, and not for long either, but I simply questioned how I have evaluated people in the past. It's natural to have some predisposition towards people, but I had tried to neatly categorize them in my mind and this trip to San Remo, Italy made me question myself and my methods. There were moments where I wondered if I was in fact projecting onto others judgments I actually felt about myself.
In the end, it is impossible for me to perfectly assess everyone in my life. I can no sooner see what is going on in someone else's head than they can see into mine. Our thoughts are fluid things anyway, and what our minds process to be true can be turned upside down in an instant. So, confident that I can never be entirely confident, I continue the journey.
The current tempo makes me feel like the 47-month experience has been a long swim. Sometimes I've been struggling under the surface, sometimes just going with the flow, and now graduation is like some waterfall looming ahead. I'm being pulled along faster and inevitably towards that ultimate end of my time as a cadet.
I have not been having moments of self doubt about my decision to come here, but about my preparation. And then there are moments where I am acutely aware of the burden about to be placed on my shoulders. Sometimes I feel like I'm taking a heavy weight on my chest, and other times I feel twinges of the same enthusiastic excitement that gripped me when I first received acceptance into this academy. I had an early notice of acceptance, and maybe that made me think a little less on my decision, but I am here now and I am sure that I can have a positive impact on my Army. And that is something that some very smart men and women I have met have told me, and that is their belief that my unique perspective will do good for the Army. The Army needs intelligent Officers in every branch, and the junior officer is the level of Officer closest to the Soldiers that make up the greater warfighting organization. The junior officer is important because to do your duty at that level means little credit but great impact, and while you may never have to exert the power associated with your role if your senior Noncommissioned Officers are doing their jobs, it is your duty as a junior officer to be ready for your Soldiers and for the Army and for your country. Doing the right thing is in the end better for everyone, even if difficult and even if it threatens your own existence.
At any rate, I have thought on my decision since arrival and concluded this is where I belong right now. I've faced many challenges, and events and things which have changed my point of view many times. And that is where the self doubt has crept into my life, and not for long either, but I simply questioned how I have evaluated people in the past. It's natural to have some predisposition towards people, but I had tried to neatly categorize them in my mind and this trip to San Remo, Italy made me question myself and my methods. There were moments where I wondered if I was in fact projecting onto others judgments I actually felt about myself.
In the end, it is impossible for me to perfectly assess everyone in my life. I can no sooner see what is going on in someone else's head than they can see into mine. Our thoughts are fluid things anyway, and what our minds process to be true can be turned upside down in an instant. So, confident that I can never be entirely confident, I continue the journey.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
I Really Can't Believe...
...that I'm in another foreign country. I really can't believe I'm meeting so many interesting people once again in an amazing setting and learning so many different points of view. So far in San Remo, Italy I have been learning to enjoy the food, the view of the sea, and the amazing opportunity that this trip truly is and that I never saw myself enjoying when I saw my selection as an alternate what feels like so long ago.
As far as food I was never a big Italian fan in the states, but here I've been loving it. I've had pesto that tasted strangely delicious (my first pesto experience was in the mess halls of West Point, which I do not recommend) and the first piece of lasagna I ate with enthusiasm. The food is great without a doubt, the rumors are true!
The view is beautiful. The weather has been spotty, but honestly in the 50s is pleasant. San Remo is sort of on a hill so when the weather is clear the view of the sea from the window through the palm trees is startlingly beautiful. It was raining and cloudy when we arrived so I was thoroughly shocked when I noticed it a couple days later.
Obviously the time has flown by and I cannot believe the last day of the competition is tomorrow and the 'formal' jacket and tie evening and recognition ceremonies. The competition is over International Humanitarian Law, particularly the Law of Armed Conflict. We participate in teams of three, role playing as legal advisors from fictional countries who have agreed to come together as a coalition. We're essentially in a "situation room" with several scenarios given to us that explore the various aspects of international law. Some scenarios we have more time than others to prepare for. It's more fun when you engage the whole thing, and I've gotten lucky with a great group! More on that and the end of the competition in the next entry!
As far as food I was never a big Italian fan in the states, but here I've been loving it. I've had pesto that tasted strangely delicious (my first pesto experience was in the mess halls of West Point, which I do not recommend) and the first piece of lasagna I ate with enthusiasm. The food is great without a doubt, the rumors are true!
The view is beautiful. The weather has been spotty, but honestly in the 50s is pleasant. San Remo is sort of on a hill so when the weather is clear the view of the sea from the window through the palm trees is startlingly beautiful. It was raining and cloudy when we arrived so I was thoroughly shocked when I noticed it a couple days later.
Obviously the time has flown by and I cannot believe the last day of the competition is tomorrow and the 'formal' jacket and tie evening and recognition ceremonies. The competition is over International Humanitarian Law, particularly the Law of Armed Conflict. We participate in teams of three, role playing as legal advisors from fictional countries who have agreed to come together as a coalition. We're essentially in a "situation room" with several scenarios given to us that explore the various aspects of international law. Some scenarios we have more time than others to prepare for. It's more fun when you engage the whole thing, and I've gotten lucky with a great group! More on that and the end of the competition in the next entry!
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Super Moon Musings
The moon is supposed to drive us to madness... I guess it's too late for the likes of me. As usual I'm crazy with all the work I have to do by Wednesday alone... I'm so tired already but there's yet work to be done... I've got to call it a night as soon as this caffeine wears off.
Right now I am just wondering if everyone has a someone... I mean what if that someone isn't there for you? Or what if you can't find them? I mean, in that silly movie Ever After you supposedly always find your someone but so many people have been in loveless marriages... luckless lives... many people have lived their whole lives lonely. Some people choose to withdraw from the world, is their hermitage really inflicting a heartache on someone else in the world? And what if two people think one person is their someone? Is one of them wrong? Can they both be right? But only one gets the prize? I guess there are other types of fulfillment in the world than relationships... but I think a relationship would make me happy too. Not that I can't be happy without one... and after all the supposed success to attracting a healthy relationship is to be a healthy person... but so many people come together out of need anyway. I mean and don't we love the people most who stick out the worst for us? Wasn't it Marilyn Monroe who said if you can't stand me at my worst you don't deserve me at my best? She didn't exactly end well though did she?
Endless questions. I guess I'm supposed to be giving my point of view, but I'm no one to give advice. I'm a fool in this game. I've made all the classic mistakes, and some creative ones too. I could tell you it's not a good idea to go from one intense, long term relationship to another when you're in the middle of a life changing experience. I would definitely advise just taking it easy with relationships altogether when you're going through life-changing events... but then again... it's been quite tumultuous from age fifteen to age twenty-one I would personally not recommend anyone between those ages getting involved with anyone seriously for the whole of that time. Not exactly reasonable, is it? And that's just general advice if I was twenty-one year old Me talking to fifteen year old Me.
For the guys on the other hand I have so many don'ts. Don't lie to the girl you want to keep. Don't cheat on a girl you expressly want to be exclusive with you. Don't propose to a girl about to graduate or embark on anything that has a lot to do with her future unless you have a good alternative plan. Don't get too attached too soon. Don't assume girls can read your mind just because we over analyze everything. In fact according to our calculations you are thinking about so many things at once your brain ought to explode if scientific measurements of brain activity are accurate.
So as for the future? I have no idea in the romance department. I know with about 89% certainty my future geographical location and occupation. That might be slightly more than most people are sure about in their lives, but that is about it.
Right now I am just wondering if everyone has a someone... I mean what if that someone isn't there for you? Or what if you can't find them? I mean, in that silly movie Ever After you supposedly always find your someone but so many people have been in loveless marriages... luckless lives... many people have lived their whole lives lonely. Some people choose to withdraw from the world, is their hermitage really inflicting a heartache on someone else in the world? And what if two people think one person is their someone? Is one of them wrong? Can they both be right? But only one gets the prize? I guess there are other types of fulfillment in the world than relationships... but I think a relationship would make me happy too. Not that I can't be happy without one... and after all the supposed success to attracting a healthy relationship is to be a healthy person... but so many people come together out of need anyway. I mean and don't we love the people most who stick out the worst for us? Wasn't it Marilyn Monroe who said if you can't stand me at my worst you don't deserve me at my best? She didn't exactly end well though did she?
Endless questions. I guess I'm supposed to be giving my point of view, but I'm no one to give advice. I'm a fool in this game. I've made all the classic mistakes, and some creative ones too. I could tell you it's not a good idea to go from one intense, long term relationship to another when you're in the middle of a life changing experience. I would definitely advise just taking it easy with relationships altogether when you're going through life-changing events... but then again... it's been quite tumultuous from age fifteen to age twenty-one I would personally not recommend anyone between those ages getting involved with anyone seriously for the whole of that time. Not exactly reasonable, is it? And that's just general advice if I was twenty-one year old Me talking to fifteen year old Me.
For the guys on the other hand I have so many don'ts. Don't lie to the girl you want to keep. Don't cheat on a girl you expressly want to be exclusive with you. Don't propose to a girl about to graduate or embark on anything that has a lot to do with her future unless you have a good alternative plan. Don't get too attached too soon. Don't assume girls can read your mind just because we over analyze everything. In fact according to our calculations you are thinking about so many things at once your brain ought to explode if scientific measurements of brain activity are accurate.
So as for the future? I have no idea in the romance department. I know with about 89% certainty my future geographical location and occupation. That might be slightly more than most people are sure about in their lives, but that is about it.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Pause to Reflect
I have to admit part of this sentence was inspired by a quote on a government support website, but it stuck in my head and I've transformed it to become this:
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
The System Works for You
The system rewards strange behavior. And I don't think this particular system was built well.
The Cadet Observation Report (COR) at our fine institution is an electronic method to inform the offending party's supervisor that they have screwed up one way or another. However, this digital COR also goes to the 'head honcho' of our company and it's not a very "office-friendly" policy to report a lowly peon for small stuff. It also sounds 1984-esque where neighbor turns neighbor in.
Now the argument placed before me by this system's proponents is that the purpose is to alert the offender's supervisor and chain of command so that they can take appropriate action, and that to avoid using the system is to invalidate it.
Granted offenses shouldn't be hidden by supervisors to avoid trouble from higher echelons, but giving proper ownership of subordinates to their supervisors instead of writing a COR that goes into the system and is permanently attached to a cadet's record without at least going through a polite process of informing that cadet's chain of command and giving them first rights to deal with the situation. If these people who write CORs at least informed leadership of their intention, they would do wonders for their appearance.
Additionally, the COR only reinforces to the bitter cadet that the system is working against them because these things are often written one-sidedly and - as we learned yesterday - writing a retaliatory COR is a terrible idea. But since this cadet wrote that emotional "counter" COR the original writer of the electronic disciplinary method ended up being slightly criticized. Now the original writer is defending their actions, and acting as though many of us in this company don't want justice or support the system. Au contraire... it's only a more effective system when we work together to develop a trouble-making cadet as opposed to shooting what is essentially an electronic slap on the wrist at least without confronting the cadet in a more calm setting, because now this offending cadet will probably be even less inclined to comply with future orders as opposed to if he had been approached in the evening by his supervisor or with his chain of command.
We can only move forward from this event, but maybe the electronic Cadet Observation Report should be gotten rid of altogether, or the actions that can be recorded in a COR - since it stays on your record all four years here - should be limited in nature. Or the COR record should be wiped clean every year at the discretion of the leadership. I will never like this method of leadership at any rate. It seems indirect and less effective in many ways.
The Cadet Observation Report (COR) at our fine institution is an electronic method to inform the offending party's supervisor that they have screwed up one way or another. However, this digital COR also goes to the 'head honcho' of our company and it's not a very "office-friendly" policy to report a lowly peon for small stuff. It also sounds 1984-esque where neighbor turns neighbor in.
Now the argument placed before me by this system's proponents is that the purpose is to alert the offender's supervisor and chain of command so that they can take appropriate action, and that to avoid using the system is to invalidate it.
Granted offenses shouldn't be hidden by supervisors to avoid trouble from higher echelons, but giving proper ownership of subordinates to their supervisors instead of writing a COR that goes into the system and is permanently attached to a cadet's record without at least going through a polite process of informing that cadet's chain of command and giving them first rights to deal with the situation. If these people who write CORs at least informed leadership of their intention, they would do wonders for their appearance.
Additionally, the COR only reinforces to the bitter cadet that the system is working against them because these things are often written one-sidedly and - as we learned yesterday - writing a retaliatory COR is a terrible idea. But since this cadet wrote that emotional "counter" COR the original writer of the electronic disciplinary method ended up being slightly criticized. Now the original writer is defending their actions, and acting as though many of us in this company don't want justice or support the system. Au contraire... it's only a more effective system when we work together to develop a trouble-making cadet as opposed to shooting what is essentially an electronic slap on the wrist at least without confronting the cadet in a more calm setting, because now this offending cadet will probably be even less inclined to comply with future orders as opposed to if he had been approached in the evening by his supervisor or with his chain of command.
We can only move forward from this event, but maybe the electronic Cadet Observation Report should be gotten rid of altogether, or the actions that can be recorded in a COR - since it stays on your record all four years here - should be limited in nature. Or the COR record should be wiped clean every year at the discretion of the leadership. I will never like this method of leadership at any rate. It seems indirect and less effective in many ways.
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