Weather Forecast: Sudden Bursts of Irrational Behavior

I don't understand how I have been so incredibly happy these last two weeks and now all of a sudden I am having this 180 internal crisis.  I am transformed into this delicate, easily tripped, emotional reaction-bomb.

Starting yesterday night I was feeling pangs and aches in my (metaphorical) heart for no reason whatsoever... I started reliving all the bad moments in my life during times of high change and stress and how I wish I had closure or that I'd reacted differently.  I started speculating whether if I had not driven away some people in my life I might be even happier.  I started thinking maybe the happiness I had now was just a farce... because I'm just pretending to be happy through the sadness of people I'm missing.  That maybe I'm hiding a sadness under the surface of my happiness and excitement to be somewhere new??  It's crazy talk, and I know this.

So, the analytic side of me is wondering what should I do to banish these feelings?  Maybe work out, but the gym is closed, it's 34 degrees Fahrenheit outside, and it's 11:40 p.m. I feel a quick push up and flutter kick work out will not make this emotional sea any calmer.

The real problem is I don't really want to do any of the things that would make me feel better.  It's not that I want to sit here moping over nothing... I just know I don't feel like drawing, or editing photographs, or working out, or chatting.  Even though I was chatting just an hour ago.  While I used some poor excuse of a conversation to launch into a more obvious show of my feelings, it's deeper than that.  My unhappiness stems from an unknown source, and hours like this only leave me wondering when the feeling will pass since I apparently have no control over it.

But I know after a little bit of rest my high spirit will return... just an occasional low in my high-speed speed.  Plus I have a guest to look forward to tomorrow!  Everything else is just growing pains:  I am literally outgrowing the pains of the past.  Unfortunately I cannot be as emotionless as Sheldon from the Big Bang Theory, I am - sometimes unfortunately - afflicted with the strong and high emotions of a very high energy human being.

Colder than I've Ever Been in Virginia & Master Resiliency Training

The chill has returned now that it's January, and it feels worse than it ever did in December.  Maybe in the previous month it was more tolerable because the holidays were a distraction.  While it's not the same as a Gray period at West Point, since there is still so much green and no snow on the ground, it's still a down period.  If I was to apply anything I learned yesterday it would be to identify the Action/Event that triggered this mood.

Yet, looking at my emotional patterns and the things I've written from this blog to my journals:  I am more sad, less grateful, and less personable than a lot of people.  I want to improve some of this, but some of it I want to embrace.  That I don't have a sing-song lilt to my voice when I address people has never bothered me before, but now I hear myself trying to emulate this to sound more friendly.  It's false on my lips.

Some things I enjoy because they drive me, I have been leaving on the side.  I haven't been able to get through the first story/chapter of Band of Sisters.  I haven't been studying languages for the last 12 weeks.  Yesterday I managed to get halfway through a German lesson before heading to bed for the urinalysis that began at 0400 this morning.  I managed 30 mL by 0600, I am a shy pisser.  I haven't been in touch with my good friend "Sunny" who always saw the best side of me.  I wasn't able to find out why one of my friends went to the foreign country she is now in, and I don't know for how long.

I'm supposed to make my "positive" list from yesterday and it goes like this:

1. One of the women in my class who I enjoy the company of gave me a piece of Dove chocolate and a sip of her Cappuccino yesterday; it was a great pick-me-up.
2. A friend and I compared our 24-Strength List and read it in reverse as a 'weakness' list.  It was very funny.  I enjoy laughing.
3. I read about the Army World Class Athlete Program in the Army Times about the Army wrestlers who qualified for the Olympic Trials.  One woman, Iris Smith, won the 158.5lb weight class.  I haven't been keeping up with Women's Wrestling and the Summer Olympics are coming up!

And I'm supposed to theorize how to make the things that made me happy continue.  I know I need to start keeping up with women's wrestling again, that's easy enough.  I can continue to seek the company of those two friends because it wasn't a specific event that made me happy.  I need to avoid a source of distress and anxiety for me right now.  I'm stuck with it anyway for a good amount of time and distance.  Then I can focus on these things I've let slide on the side and, well, doing my job.

I've got to remember who I am also.  I'm not a sweetheart from a large family who is a good "people" person.  I'm the youngest, I tend to be self-centered, and I like individual events even though I like socializing.  My close friends are generally more somber and serious individuals (who when we go out, still know how to have fun of course!).  They might be more subdued and less exuberantly buoyant... but they mean a lot to me, and their affection means more to me than from someone who is as extrovertedly kind to everyone.  Those people are great, don't get me wrong, I am learning to appreciate and admire the excellent way I see them appeal to everyone's taste.  They are wonderful for certain tasks, but there are many ways to contribute to the world and mine is not that way.