I Really Can't Believe...

...that I'm in another foreign country.  I really can't believe I'm meeting so many interesting people once again in an amazing setting and learning so many different points of view.  So far in San Remo, Italy I have been learning to enjoy the food, the view of the sea, and the amazing opportunity that this trip truly is and that I never saw myself enjoying when I saw my selection as an alternate what feels like so long ago.

As far as food I was never a big Italian fan in the states, but here I've been loving it.  I've had pesto that tasted strangely delicious (my first pesto experience was in the mess halls of West Point, which I do not recommend) and the first piece of lasagna I ate with enthusiasm.  The food is great without a doubt, the rumors are true!

The view is beautiful.  The weather has been spotty, but honestly in the 50s is pleasant.  San Remo is sort of on a hill so when the weather is clear the view of the sea from the window through the palm trees is startlingly beautiful.  It was raining and cloudy when we arrived so I was thoroughly shocked when I noticed it a couple days later.

Obviously the time has flown by and I cannot believe the last day of the competition is tomorrow and the 'formal' jacket and tie evening and recognition ceremonies.  The competition is over International Humanitarian Law, particularly the Law of Armed Conflict.  We participate in teams of three, role playing as legal advisors from fictional countries who have agreed to come together as a coalition.  We're essentially in a "situation room" with several scenarios given to us that explore the various aspects of international law.  Some scenarios we have more time than others to prepare for.  It's more fun when you engage the whole thing, and I've gotten lucky with a great group!  More on that and the end of the competition in the next entry!

Super Moon Musings

The moon is supposed to drive us to madness... I guess it's too late for the likes of me.  As usual I'm crazy with all the work I have to do by Wednesday alone... I'm so tired already but there's yet work to be done... I've got to call it a night as soon as this caffeine wears off.

Right now I am just wondering if everyone has a someone... I mean what if that someone isn't there for you?  Or what if you can't find them?  I mean, in that silly movie Ever After you supposedly always find your someone but so many people have been in loveless marriages... luckless lives... many people have lived their whole lives lonely.  Some people choose to withdraw from the world, is their hermitage really inflicting a heartache on someone else in the world?  And what if two people think one person is their someone?  Is one of them wrong?  Can they both be right?  But only one gets the prize?  I guess there are other types of fulfillment in the world than relationships... but I think a relationship would make me happy too.  Not that I can't be happy without one... and after all the supposed success to attracting a healthy relationship is to be a healthy person... but so many people come together out of need anyway.  I mean and don't we love the people most who stick out the worst for us?  Wasn't it Marilyn Monroe who said if you can't stand me at my worst you don't deserve me at my best?  She didn't exactly end well though did she?

Endless questions.  I guess I'm supposed to be giving my point of view, but I'm no one to give advice.  I'm a fool in this game.  I've made all the classic mistakes, and some creative ones too.  I could tell you it's not a good idea to go from one intense, long term relationship to another when you're in the middle of a life changing experience.  I would definitely advise just taking it easy with relationships altogether when you're going through life-changing events... but then again... it's been quite tumultuous from age fifteen to age twenty-one I would personally not recommend anyone between those ages getting involved with anyone seriously for the whole of that time.  Not exactly reasonable, is it?  And that's just general advice if I was twenty-one year old Me talking to fifteen year old Me.

For the guys on the other hand I have so many don'ts.  Don't lie to the girl you want to keep.  Don't cheat on a girl you expressly want to be exclusive with you.  Don't propose to a girl about to graduate or embark on anything that has a lot to do with her future unless you have a good alternative plan.  Don't get too attached too soon.  Don't assume girls can read your mind just because we over analyze everything.  In fact according to our calculations you are thinking about so many things at once your brain ought to explode if scientific measurements of brain activity are accurate.

So as for the future?  I have no idea in the romance department.  I know with about 89% certainty my future geographical location and occupation.  That might be slightly more than most people are sure about in their lives, but that is about it.

Pause to Reflect

I have to admit part of this sentence was inspired by a quote on a government support website, but it stuck in my head and I've transformed it to become this:

Life sometimes hits us with a suckerpunch that knocks us flat on our ass. In reality, everyone faces a host of physical challenges as inevitable as life itself, and only by shouldering these challenges and pressing on can we actually live.

I'm not talking about day-to-day stuff, but the things that plague us for our lives whether internal or external, whether it is something obvious, a scarlet letter emblazoned on our public lives forcing us to deal with our fellow man's judgment; or a hidden secret that unseen forever directs the course of our interactions from the general populace to our intimate comrades and family.  Sometimes as a society we lack compassion for the misfortune of others.  We make judgments on others for their misfortunes or we lay the blame with the victim.  Sometimes we do this internally, or in the back of our minds is the whispering voice that says they really deserved it.  And while it's true that some of our actions bring misfortune upon us, sometimes it is inevitable.  And this silent heartlessness, this sense of superiority, has the potential to come full circle.  If we judge others based on their state as opposed to their actions than we are drawing false conclusions and could wind up victim to those same conclusions.

I'm not saying no to tough love, I mean sometimes I think I could use someone just putting their foot down and giving me a good ass-kicking or ass-chewing and that might work better than their patience has... but their patience always drives me to work harder and feel more indebted to them for being at the very least human with their expectations.

The System Works for You

The system rewards strange behavior.  And I don't think this particular system was built well.

The Cadet Observation Report (COR) at our fine institution is an electronic method to inform the offending party's supervisor that they have screwed up one way or another.  However, this digital COR also goes to the 'head honcho' of our company and it's not a very "office-friendly" policy to report a lowly peon for small stuff.  It also sounds 1984-esque where neighbor turns neighbor in.

Now the argument placed before me by this system's proponents is that the purpose is to alert the offender's supervisor and chain of command so that they can take appropriate action, and that to avoid using the system is to invalidate it.

Granted offenses shouldn't be hidden by supervisors to avoid trouble from higher echelons, but giving proper ownership of subordinates to their supervisors instead of writing a COR that goes into the system and is permanently attached to a cadet's record without at least going through a polite process of informing that cadet's chain of command and giving them first rights to deal with the situation.  If these people who write CORs at least informed leadership of their intention, they would do wonders for their appearance. 

Additionally, the COR only reinforces to the bitter cadet that the system is working against them because these things are often written one-sidedly and - as we learned yesterday - writing a retaliatory COR is a terrible idea.  But since this cadet wrote that emotional "counter" COR the original writer of the electronic disciplinary method ended up being slightly criticized.  Now the original writer is defending their actions, and acting as though many of us in this company don't want justice or support the system.  Au contraire... it's only a more effective system when we work together to develop a trouble-making cadet as opposed to shooting what is essentially an electronic slap on the wrist at least without confronting the cadet in a more calm setting, because now this offending cadet will probably be even less inclined to comply with future orders as opposed to if he had been approached in the evening by his supervisor or with his chain of command.

We can only move forward from this event, but maybe the electronic Cadet Observation Report should be gotten rid of altogether, or the actions that can be recorded in a COR - since it stays on your record all four years here - should be limited in nature.  Or the COR record should be wiped clean every year at the discretion of the leadership.  I will never like this method of leadership at any rate.  It seems indirect and less effective in many ways.

Sec Def Brief

It's so nice to get a chance to take a breath and write without worrying about all the things I really should be doing.  Finally a Friday where I'm not running out the door.  Finally I'm relieved to be sitting here, well-rested, with a pretty motivated feeling running through my frame and through my fingers tapping away for you, Reader.

The Secretary of Defense briefed us today and I cannot really relay his speech very well because I was more than a little distracted by a thesis meeting I had today with my advisor.  I was one page short of what she expected from me two weeks ago, and I'm late emailing two professors who offered to look it over which is really very kind of them and I should follow up as soon as possible.  There are so many people I should call or interview, but I need this research portion to be a polished thing.  This is the first time I really want to take pride in my work... which sounds funny but I mean before this project all I've ever wanted is to churn out good work without really caring what anyone read into it.  Now I cannot let my paper be misunderstood... I cannot let the message be drowned out.  I have to strike the right chord between challenging, edgy, and measured.

Sorry for the short post, but had to get dinner and nothing to add until the 100th night dinner.

(posted late, but written Friday)

Had it to Here

I realized today that guys can be crummy (or wonderful) whether they like you or not.  And sometimes in a place like the one I'm in you try to overlook how bad a guy can make you feel and that's not the right answer.  Just because he is the majority and you don't want to rock the boat doesn't justify his actions towards you.  And so many guys harbor this unsettling and low on the radar hostility for women because there seems to be the unspoken fear that women have the upper hand here.  And that doesn't make this place unique, there are all sorts of male-dominated fields where being a woman can subject you to "tokenism" meaning that, due to the low representation you have in field, how you perform goes under the knife and everyone dissects it peeling back layers and over analyzing the consequences of your actions.  It's enough to make any woman a little stressful.  It's enough to make a woman want to mitigate the magnification of her mistakes.

I don't mean to sound bitter or disgruntled.  But even when one tries to make me see the bright side, don't tell me I should be quietly and overwhelmingly “grateful” for a country that historically grudgingly paid for the education of my kind -- women -- at the best institution in the world (because originally it was argued that women shouldn’t be allowed into west point because a majority of west point graduates went combat arms and that wasn’t for women anyway so it wasn’t “necessary” for women to be at west point).  They will let me die for my country but will dictate to me how I should go about training up to avoid such death since after all it was MacArthur who said, "You don't win wars by dying for your country you win wars by making the other son of a bitch die for his"  The Army with it's brass ceiling… and if I ever reach high ranks you think people won't malign my name?

America is highly advanced… but ignoring her flaws out of patriotism isn't the right thing to do.

But all this annoyed talk isn't the vent of a jaded young woman, rather this is the talk of a revolutionary.  I am open and ready for rejection.  I carry on.  Our story, the story of women in the military wouldn't be as interesting if we were given every advantage in the field.  In fact sometimes I am exhilarated by the fact that every compliment and acknowledgment I get in this job is hard-earned against the odds in many ways.  If there ever was a challenging situation to tackle, this would be it.  And I love challenges, hell all the women who stay in these tough and difficult situations must be gluttons for punishment!  Women are the unsung heroes of the world, and the unwept for casualties.  I recently read about misandry... the opposite of misogyny... history, the present-day, and the numbers easily reveal that the idea of man-hating while it surely exists isn't the norm.  It's just a shame when a woman hems in her fellow-woman to protect her male counterpart.  If you are free to be a housewife without limitation, and I bar you no ill will, than let me pursue my goals as a full citizen of this Nation.

People

I wrote this as a response to a very pessimistic statement I read online and I still stand by it:

People is a broad category, and while it's okay to be frustrated with people it shouldn't make you categorize everybody one way or another. Because you're "people" too. So not everyone sees things black and white and that they are on the ...right side fighting against an undefined evil. A lot of people question themselves, or their country if they are serving their nation in a government job for example. In spite of the many far-leaning folks on either side, there are many moderates who in spite of biased news, a bad economy, and a costly war, make decisions with the best logic they can which is in the end fallible because we're all human. We're all "people".

 

That's all I have tonight, more posts in the near future.